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#161450 - 06/13/07 09:24 AM He wishes he deserved better...
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
The monster stumbles in late at half past all obscurity and calls out to his son. His son turns his head and wonders “what did I do wrong now?”

He waits, balancing on a tight rope hanging over needles and thin ice and egg shells.

The monster bursts in and he reaches out with thick and hairy hurtful hands and his son grasps his hand to hold the talons away. His head still heavy with alcohol, his eyes burn a seething gaping hole into the boys’ soul.

200 pounds and over six feet, right arm pulled back ready to deliver the first full furious swing, he slams his fist into the flesh and bones. He wraps a fat searing arm around his boys neck and pushes his liquored tongue entirely into his reluctant young mouth, reaching below for a high-schoolish grope.

His son struggles for release and the monsters knuckles crash back and forth against his head.

Did you admire the speed and deftness? Was it pride you felt as you landed your vicious hateful punches? You were so pleased, it seemed, when he began to scream.

An animal in the beginning blows of slaughter.

His son forgets which arms belong to him as he struggles against the snakes which have crawled inside his shirt and he forces him out of his mouth to hold onto some essence of integrity.

He clears his mind of the insults, for they are ordinary, and he already believes them so they can't hurt him anymore;

The monster curses and accuses him of being insubordinate, throws in a few more punches for good measure. Diving his knee into his side, embedding his hard nails deeply into the boys arms, taking away his pride, slamming him into the ground and kicking with giant boots made out of cement.

His son crawls into the corner and closes his eyes, knowing he deserves this.

Did you feel any resistance in him? Did you feel him dissolve into fear? Did I sense some enjoyment as you watched my small pathetic hands beg for it to be over?

And while I was pleading for the freedom of unconsciousness, I doubt that you cared that I was fighting to escape from the hurt and especially from this shame.

And when the buzzing in my head became unbearable I was thankful for his pain. Enough pain to push back the horror of knowing that you had used your fists to reduce him to less than nothing again.

He wishes that he deserved better.


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#161479 - 06/13/07 02:19 PM Re: He wishes he deserved better... [Re: Jaysen]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
jaysen. somebody knows ,your not alone. adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#161867 - 06/16/07 01:25 PM Re: He wishes he deserved better... [Re: shadowkid]
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
One of the saddest parts of this whole thing.....the thing that I think preys on my mind more than anything, is that these unbelievably bright and loving and open and caring little boys are victims of these horrible creatures and have no way of knowning that this is not the way life should be, that pain and shame should not be their lot in life. When they should be loved and treasured, they are torn and battered and made to be ashamed of even being alive.....and I can't get to them to save them and to tell them that that's not how life is really and that children are not supposed to be treated that way and that it is the adult who is damaged and who should carry the shame.

And in the same thought is the wonder that many of these same children in spite of everything they have been through, grow up to be incredible human beings, with incredible talents and full of love and compassion. One wonders how this is possible. I consider it a miracle and a tribute to the amazing strength of the human soul that so often will not allow itself to submit to evil no matter how strong.

Your poetry brings that home to me, Jay. All of the pain, both mentally and physically, you were forced to endure, and yet, here you are with this incredible gift you to have to express it and to help others to understand.

Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#161921 - 06/16/07 08:12 PM Re: He wishes he deserved better... [Re: Bobby]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jay,

I hear you. I'm listening. Little Jay deserved so much better. You deserve so much better. Hang in there.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#161927 - 06/16/07 08:49 PM Re: He wishes he deserved better... [Re: roadrunner]
healingpartner Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/04/07
Posts: 407
You did deserve better and you still do.


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