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#151413 - 04/18/07 05:11 AM Help me help
recover Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/08/07
Posts: 17
Can I ask another question concerning helping survivors.

If we are in a trusting friendship but not a marriage, how does one support and be there. I have asked questions and made it clear they can ask me questions. I have given them reminders they can call me and I will be there. I have written things and given them things to help.

I really care for them and they know it. I say it but want to make sure I am doing the right things for them. I enjoy being close to them and them telling me what has happened but dont want to push it and if I know a hard time is coming up I back off and they also back off.

Please help - I am supporting a sexual assault survivor and need anonymous help. You have given me some reading resources. I will check these out in time

Thanks


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#151522 - 04/18/07 04:44 PM Re: Help me help [Re: recover]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Recover,

Here are some things that a survivor desperately needs to hear:

1. I believe you.

2. It wasn't your fault. It can NEVER be the boy's fault.

3. I am your friend. What happened to you doesn't lessen my feelings for you.

4. You are not alone.



Things a survivor does NOT need to hear:

1. So are you gay now?

2. Why didn't you tell?

3. Why didn't you make him stop?

4. Are you afraid of becoming a child abuser yourself now?

5. You should just get over it; it was a long time ago.

6. I know how you feel.



Those are all pretty brief, but you get the idea I'm sure.

If you are interested in things to read, we have a selection of books in our bookstore; you can access it at http://www.malesurvivor.org/bookstore.html and click on "Family and Friends".

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#151603 - 04/18/07 09:18 PM Re: Help me help [Re: roadrunner]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
recover,

I'f you've made it clear that you have an available, supportive, listening ear, I think that's all you can do till the individual in question begins to talk. When that occurs you can then work on the messages Larry lined out above, all of them good.

Till that time just be a good friend. I think with some of us survivors, there's a fine line between telling one of us you're available when we need to and pushing us. If we feel pushed we're not too likely to talk. Getting us to talk at all could be a chore even if we feel like we might want to.

Not trying to be discouraging here. I believe you're probably doing the right thing by letting him know you're available to listen.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#152302 - 04/22/07 10:14 PM Re: Help me help [Re: WalkingSouth]
skingraph Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 39
That #5 bothers me the most. You should just get over it; it was a long time ago. My dad said something like that to me while back,quote was"why dont you just bury it" I said i cant cause i come home everyday to nothing,unless you want to call material possesions something.Pretty much absolutely no relationships with anybody,soo you know its hard to forget...............


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#152491 - 04/23/07 09:39 PM Re: Help me help [Re: recover]
Daniel Peter Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/20/07
Posts: 40
Loc: Canada
I'm not sure if you have a professional relationship, or a personal relationship--it makes all the difference in the world from my perspective.

If professional, are you sure its a two-way "trusting" relationship? I've been in therapy a LONG time, and NEVER trusted any "T", shrink, or doc. Heck, I don't even let them close the door, get within 3' of me, or so much as shake my hand (...but then again, I think I'm like that with everyone?) I go to my doc to look for ways to deal with social issues and problems. My social skills are VERY weak, so I go to him, explain my scenario, and he recommends a book, a theory, or a strategy. I NEVER EVER EVER EVER (I can't emphasis this enough) EVER go to my doc to describe what happened...after years of therapy, I've learned, it can get dangerous.

If it's either personal OR professional, as far as "talking about it," well...be careful what you ask for. There might be more tied up in it than you think--ever played that game with the marbles, the tower, and the tooth-picks?

As well, I think it's wisest to ask IF they are willing to discuss it, before asking questions about it. Otherwise, the wall might go up immediately.

Sometimes when I talk to my docs, or with my wife, it's just that I need to vent, to talk, to have someone just lend an ear; not for solutions or active intervention. Sometimes "being there" means just that--"being there," and nothing more.

Those things I've just mentioned...take them with a grain of salt. After all--I AM a little duck fupped.

I'm a little disturbed by that one thing you said. Did you say you "enjoy them...telling [you] what happened?" That's a little unusual. Would you please explain?

Daniel Peter

_________________________
He who dies with the most toys...loses them all when he dies.

He who dies having fed and cared for his brother, wins in the eyes of God...and the hearts of his brothers.

He who dies but didn't ride...well...he didn't really live anyway!

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#161128 - 06/11/07 02:17 PM Re: Help me help [Re: Daniel Peter]
recover Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/08/07
Posts: 17
I have just come back to the site after some time away.

In regards to enjoying them telling me, I feel it is helping them to tell another - and also that we are getting closer when this happens. I enjoy the closeness and also being a survivor myself, I enjoy telling them what happened for me as well, because it is rare I trust someone so much to do this and that they are willing to listen and offer opinions.

This is a very trusting friendship.

Thanks


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