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#161018 - 06/10/07 06:29 PM Victims No Longer Review
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I just finished the first third of the book or so. The last chapter that I read was about "Feeling Emotions" and "learning to feel emotions" etc. In the entire chapter he seems almost smug in his confidence that I, as a survivor who has yet to "feel emotions" will eventually tremble, cry, get angry, etc.

I don't see this happening ever. I don't see HOW I'm ever going to "cry" about my abuse and it's effects or whatever.

I am honor-bound to read the book since I'm attending one of his (Mike Lew) conference/retreats. But I'm afraid that this book isn't going to help me much. But I'll try it. (What if it doesn't help? sigh)

I just don't think I fit in with the rest, is what I'm saying I guess.


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#161030 - 06/10/07 07:21 PM Re: Victims No Longer Review [Re: Hauser]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Hauser,

I don't fit in either but so what. I started reading the book back in February and read about up to where you are. I put it down for a while and I'll begin again at some point. As far as feeling emotions I've been emotionally detached for 22 years and this year has been the worst year for that until recent.

For me to reconnect with my emotions I had to go through a very dark period. (I'm still in that dark place actually) In that darkness I gave up on my detached feelings and they came back with a vengence.

I think fitting in is a state of mind that comes from a perspective of confidence. if you have confidence in yourself then others will see that and then it doesn't really matter what you have in common with others.

I am crying a lot these days, but that's good. There's a lot of pain, but it's okay. Pain is part of life. However, I now feel like I have enough confidence in myself to cope in much healthier ways. Remember that you have to learn how to feel again because you have conditioned yourself not to feel. That's tough to do, but you will do it.

You know it's real easy to tell others that but I do know it is hard. The good news is that you recognize that there is an issue with your emotions and feelings. I was walking around in a state of denial for years pretending there was no problem. You're further along than you think. I was sitting my therapist's office on Thursday (I arrived early) and I was really upset over some things. I started to cry so I got up and walked out side to smoke. Now the old me could shake that feeling welling up inside and stop the emotion dead in its tracks. I couldn't do it this time.

So I walked back in and just down and cried for about ten minutes. I grieved over how I felt and kept saying to myself "this is a release".

Well, I don't know if this is helpful or useful, but don't put pressure on yourself. You're okay.

I'll be thinking about you.

Lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#161032 - 06/10/07 07:36 PM Re: Victims No Longer Review [Re: lostandfound]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Thank you lost.

I.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

When I speak of not fitting in, I am referring to the effects of the abuse, and the choices that I've made since then. I................shit.


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#161034 - 06/10/07 07:53 PM Re: Victims No Longer Review [Re: Hauser]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
I just got the book a couple of weeks ago. I'd read the first edition years ago, but don't remembember much. I've been reading little pieces of it that look like they have to do with my life, and stopping when it gets too triggering. Not a book to plow through! I've been reading about detachment, and yes, he does talk a lot about what we "must" do, and I don't like to be told what I "must" do (like feel those damn feelings!), but it's still a great overview of a lot of stuff that's true for many people.


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#161041 - 06/10/07 08:39 PM Re: Victims No Longer Review [Re: MemoryVault]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
It was very helpful for me to let my guard down and go with the flow. I found that I did experience much of the emotional drama that Lew talks about, but not all of it. I think different people are wired differently. You may not go through much of the stuff he describes, and that's o.k. But just make sure it's not because you deliberately detach yourself or shut yourself off from those emotions. They're powerful, and it's frightening, but it's the release that has allowed me to be free and begin rewriting my life.

Joe

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#161077 - 06/11/07 03:27 AM Re: Victims No Longer Review [Re: Chain Breaker]
Joseph25 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/06
Posts: 76
Loc: Canada
Hauser, Usually I’m a book addict that reads 600pg books in 1 month. So, 2 weeks ago I finished reading pg 400 - "final word" and final page of Victims No Longer. Except, this book took well over 2 years for me to finish. So in my mind you are doing pretty awesome. The only emotion I could ever express since I turned 13 was rage… and even that could take years to get to. I had always been so numb and emotions were a foreign language I did not understand. I remember reading the same section and saying “What the F*#k”. Then months later I had to stop reading once again, but this time it was because the tears in my eyes prevented me from being able to see. Since then I’ve managed to tremble, cry, get angry (different than rage), and feel a bunch of those emotions I removed from myself when I was a child.

We all have our different paces … The idea of “feelings” may seem alien right now, but even though its frustrating, just give it time and go at a pace that works for you. It is no small amount that Mike Lewis goes through in any one of his chapters.

You “fit in” because you are talking about it. You fit in because you describe what many here are going through right now. And your a fellow brother here… so even if you weren’t talking you would still fit in.

Joseph


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#161130 - 06/11/07 02:43 PM Re: Victims No Longer Review [Re: Joseph25]
emptydreamer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/07
Posts: 276
Loc: Midwest USA
I can relate so much with what you said. That is my biggest issue.
Not feeling. My wife wants to know why I can't just open up and talk to her about how I feel. I don't know how to tell her the reason I can't, is because I don't!! Feel that is. Since disclosing my abuse, she and I have talked ever so briefly about each of our pasts. We barely start talking about it before both of us are crying. This is the only time I feel anything, once the crying passes, it is right back to the no emotion me that I have been all my life. I will not stop trying and I urge you to keep trying as well, although, you are the one to make that decision. I send you my warmest regards, and best wishes. Scott

_________________________
I'm here for a reason. Failure is not an option.

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#161171 - 06/11/07 06:16 PM Re: Victims No Longer Review [Re: emptydreamer]
buzz_key Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
Hauser,

I understand completely what you are saying. I was where you are about 2 months ago...I didn't HAVE feelings that needed visiting OR releasing!
Yeah...right. I have found in the last two months that I DO have all of that and more, I'm afraid.
I'm not saying it is the same for you...just wanted you to not count out the possibility.

I can't wait to get to the retreat!


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#161201 - 06/11/07 09:59 PM Re: Victims No Longer Review [Re: buzz_key]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Alan,

I think Mike would want you to read his book not as a template but as a general guide about what to expect as you deal with things. After all, we are all different people with different personalities and we will handle challenges based on those unique traits. I, for example, never expressed anger in the way Mike describes, but I still feel I worked on a lot of anger issues.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#161236 - 06/12/07 05:43 AM Re: Victims No Longer Review [Re: roadrunner]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Hauser,

I read the whole book and reread several chapters a year later. I could relate to lots of what was said in VNL. Moreover, I was reading this book as a literary source full of different stories and examples, which was of much interest and inspiration.

I also know people who didn't like the book very much because they hadn't related to it. It is a question of books rather than the author, I think.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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