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#160802 - 06/09/07 01:36 AM Re: Beating Kids (*****triggers*****) [Re: OKIE MIKE]
Joseph25 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/06
Posts: 76
Loc: Canada
Stefan, i can relate to what you and most others here have said.


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#160821 - 06/09/07 06:35 AM Re: Beating Kids (*****triggers*****) [Re: OKIE MIKE]
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
The s.abuse would usually be combined whit also physical abuse... thankfully mostly 'just' bruises wich would fade away and almost no permanent scars. There were some broken bones though.. And once boiling hot water, you can still see that.

Alexander

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

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#160843 - 06/09/07 11:11 AM Re: Beating Kids (*****triggers*****) [Re: Alexander]
MB57 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/24/05
Posts: 15
Loc: IA, USA
I remember as 5-6 yr old we were scered of father, go to sleep/pretend sleep when he is home. Shit scared to face him. The beatings were terrible. Watching him abusive on elder brothers and mom and other employees was very traumatising. The beating with the belt is so terrorizing, traumatic. It is so cruel. Then after about 9-10 My elder brother about 8 yr old started physically abusing in the same fashion that was more humiliating. My mom was help less. he was mean and agressive.It was terrifying experience, the helpless ness, hope less ness and the power less ness was overwhelming. All we got from help less mom is that it was KARMA. I guess that was kind emotional abuse.

I do not know if the physical abuse is better than the psycological/verbal abuse. My mom had 4 sibbling dead/partial births after me. I still vaguely remember 5 yr old being blamed for it by father/mother/brothers as i was bad luck/evil my horoscope/stars are bad. This thing continued all my child hood. My bad luck was blamed for any finacial problem in the family. I still remember an incidence when my mom was sick i was sitting in the corner whike whole family was sitting by mom, i was crying and self loathing, afraid of mom may die because of my bad luck/karma. Imagine a kid growing up always blaming him self and afraid of some thing bad going to happen. I am crying now.

Ofcourse i gotten into CSA for over a decade or more. May be as result of emotion/physical/verbal abuse. Now I donot no which one caused me more damage. After 35 yrs after never existed child hood, I always blamed my luck horoscope , kept on screwing up my life by going in circles , pretty well defined self sobotaging pattern. I do not know which was the casuse is it emotion- physical or CSA. I am sick of anxiety, depression and hopelesness.

I wished god/ family should have killed me when i was a child, instead of putting me through life of hell.
I was some how attracted to sprituality,god,relegion at a very young age like 10. Now i wonder that was my minds trick to handle all the crap. Because of my spirituality i can not give up my self keep trying. After a self assesment i feel empty and my belief in god has become questionable. I do not know what to thing any more.

Sorry for boring you guys.


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#160845 - 06/09/07 11:19 AM Re: Beating Kids (*****triggers*****) [Re: MB57]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
MB

Please don't think you are boring us. You have a story to tell and it is something you need to tell. The telling and the tears can be very healing. I am so sorry those things happened in your life, in all our lives. We didn't deserve that as little guys. It was criminal.

I wish you the very best. You deserve it!

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#160848 - 06/09/07 11:36 AM Re: Beating Kids (*****triggers*****) [Re: WalkingSouth]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
MB57,

I am so sorry to hear about all the things that happened to you. As John said, it's just criminal - no two ways about it.

But you know what? Take your post and put someone else's name in there and see what you think. Would you blame him? I bet you wouldn't. You would be trying to reassure him of his innocence, just as we are trying to reassure you.

It's damn hard to let go of these bad feelings about ourselves and it doesn't happen in a day, that's for sure. We have been programmed too long to recognize easily how false all those feelings are. But hang in there. You were as defenseless and innocent as all the other boys whose ives were wrecked by someone else's cruel or indifference.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#160875 - 06/09/07 04:49 PM Re: Beating Kids (*****triggers*****) [Re: roadrunner]
MB57 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/24/05
Posts: 15
Loc: IA, USA
Larry & John
Thanks for your support. The Topic Just opened the emotional flood gates. I will try to gather myself. My case is freaking complicated with all abuses and superstetious believes ( social abuse), I am afraid the T's will get confused. I am working out of this mess for over couple years now. This site is very helpfull.

Thanks and with the help of you guys and God i will be OK


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#160897 - 06/09/07 06:53 PM Re: Beating Kids (*****triggers*****) [Re: MB57]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Hold on tight, MB and don't be afraid to tell the T what you need to tell him/her. It's what you're paying them for. It will also help them know better how to help you. And of course you always have the guys here. We'll believe in you when you find it difficult to believe in yourself. I know the guys here have done that for me on occasion.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#160903 - 06/09/07 07:46 PM Re: Beating Kids (*****triggers*****) [Re: WalkingSouth]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
It's a few weeks since I've been here & I presume that means I'm making progress & don't need the support so much. To some extent I feel selfish going out and doing the things that I need to do now!

When I first came here, I remember making a post, where I said I didn't know which was worse, being groomed and abused, or attacked and physically beaten into being abused. I concluded that there wasn't a better way to be abused because it's all wrong!

I was never abused within the family, either physically or sexually & can't imagine what that must feel like - being let down by those who should protect you more than anyone.

I remember being caned once at school (7 years old) - it was one strike on the hand ( which bruised 3 fingers)! Reason - you weren't allowed to be in the school buildings at break times. I went in to wash my hands because I had been working in the school gardens & wanted my hands clean before I ate. This was the first time I didn't understand 'adults / rules'.

I don't ever remember being hit by either of my parents - if we did something wrong, usually the tone of voice was enough. When I was 8, we moved town & my brother and myself stole some of my parents money to buy things to impress the other kids. My mother worked out what was happening & I just remember that mortified expression on her face! It was the same expression I saw again when I told her that nobody loved me - this was just after the abuse stopped, and I had realised what had actually happened (I'd been conned big style). She didn't know why I said what I did!

Where am i going with this! Well I remember one day I was looking after my niece who was about 4 at the time. She went towards the gas fire, and tried to grab the flames. I had to move quickly to stop her, and gave her a mild tap at the time because I was shocked at what could have happened and didn't want her going near the flames again, She was mortified and ran home (9 doors away screaming that I had hit her - there were no marks, she was just as shocked as I was). I wish I could have just grabbed her away from danger without resorting to smacking her as well. I've never smacked another child/person since & that was 21 years ago - she can't even remember it!

I feel guilty because I did it once & yet some of you suffered every day of your young lives.

MB57 - you don't have to believe in anything else, just believe in yourself!

Best wishes ...RIk

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#160915 - 06/09/07 09:26 PM Re: Beating Kids (*****triggers*****) [Re: RICK57]
demonboi Offline
Member

Registered: 05/14/05
Posts: 228
Loc: East Coast
When I read the poem it made me really sad.

I got hit when I was little, with switcheds (thin branches pulled from trees and you have to take the leaves and things off them so they're just thin) sometimes a belt. It was just a part of life. All my friends got switched too, it was just apart of our lives.

I never really considered it getting beat or anything like that. My dad was the one who mostly switched us, sometimes my mom did but not very often. I still love my dad tons and I've never really hated him for it. Guess my enviroment de-sensitized (sp?) me to getting beat...or something.

Sorry. I'm not making much sense.

_________________________
Every corner, every city
There's a place where life's a little easy
Little Hennessy, laid back and cool
Every hour, cause it's all good
Leave all the stress from the world outside
Every wrong done will be alright
Nothin but peace, love
And street passion, every ghetto needs a thug mansion

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#160916 - 06/09/07 09:49 PM Re: Beating Kids (*****triggers*****) [Re: demonboi]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Nyjah,

You make all the sense in the world. A lot of kids think it's normal and okay to get hit like this, but as you say, all your friends thought the same thing. You didn't have anything to compare with.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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