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#160372 - 06/07/07 08:51 AM I killed him today ***Trigger Warning***
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
I killed him today...the root of my name here.

Well I am having the worst day today. I havent told many people about this but I guess I need to start healing on something that is harder for me to accept and deal with than my abuse. As if that were possible. This wasnt even in my survivor story because it was too hard to write. I am numbed out (drugs) today and bawling so I can write it now.

14 years ago today I killed my one and only source of hope and light in my life as a child. Benji was my best friend, we met in 2nd grade. He moved in a block down the road and we started to hang out. Even at that young age we had an amazing connection. We told each other our darkest secrets including my abuse.

We spent the nights at each others houses, we were like brothers only we did fool around sexually. He was the only outlet I had as a kid and he was always there for me. After I was raped or abused I would run to his house...spend all night crying in his arms. He would help me clean up...get myself back together. My mom always knew I would stay at his house so it was not uncommon. We would kiss...He helped me and saved me from committing suicide a number of times.

As the years grew on we realized it was more than a friendship...it was love. We finally admitted that at 15. BUt because we lived in a small town no one would understand it, so we kept up the play of being friends. His family and I got along great, I had been adopted by them really. It was great to see what a "normal" family was like. I loved him so much...so much I owuld have died for him but what hapenned was worse...I killed him.

I had just turned 16 and got my drivers liscence...we were out partying on a Friday night. I had a couple of drinks. what happenned neextt waslkiinda of a blurr. I was driving home and I had to pass car car ont the rood but like fool i passe don the right because he was turning left. We hit the gravel, my car started to spin...we rolled...once the car stopped it was on the roof. I looked in the passengers seat and Benji wasnt there. I got out of the car and saw...something i will neevevru forget he wasthroin from the car and it rolleeed over him. I ran to him...he wassss still l alive he lookeeed at mmmee gaspionng and said I loovve iyu. Hiiis eyes went blank he was dead.

Oh I cant do this right now....I willltryy to ocntinue later..



Edited by ModTeam (06/07/07 09:49 AM)
_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#160374 - 06/07/07 09:00 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: pain4ever]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Brian -
Don't know what to say really other than I'm sorry you're hurting over this. It was a terrible accident. I don't have any good advice for you and I'm not sure you're even looking for advice. Just stick around here today... don't be alone in this. The day will end and you'll feel better about it tomorrow.

You need to find a way to realize that even though this happened, even though you were driving, it was an accident. I know you feel horrible about it but it's not like you did this on purpose. It wasn't intentional.

Jay


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#160389 - 06/07/07 10:19 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: Jaysen]
healingpartner Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/04/07
Posts: 407
Brian....

words fail me. My heart aches for you, for your pain. I am here for you...

(((((((((((((((((Brian)))))))))))))))))))))))


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#160391 - 06/07/07 10:31 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: Jaysen]
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
What a sad story Brian, a dreadful thing to have happened. I don't suppose there's much I can say to comfort you right now, but I'm still going put my thoughts here just in case they help at all.

I agree with Jay completely. It wasn't your fault. Sure, you'd been drinking and stuff, but you both had. It could just as easily have been Benji who was driving. An unfortunate series of events led to a tragic accident ....... because that's what it was - an accident. Not murder. You didn't kill him, circumstances did.

I know it's easier said than done, but please try to forgive yourself. I'm sure that Benji wouldn't want you to spend your life in grief and guilt; he'd want you to find some peace in your life.

My thoughts are with you.

SB x

_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

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#160394 - 06/07/07 11:00 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: soapy bubbles]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
okay..I ve calmed down a bit

needless to say i was completely destroyed. My only hope in life...I had ikilled him, I nknow ith was ancident but the fact was that if it werent for that he would still he here today.

He had an open casket funeral because the car only caught him from the chest down. I tried to go, I went to the visitation but I couldnt go in the funeral..I tried but everyone knew I had survived and he hadnt. I went into the deepest depression ever......I swore id never love another man. I never saw his family again.

so fast forword to November of last year....I met my current partner. I truely fell in love with him but felt guilty. SO i decided I needed to deal with this. I went to his grave (in a country cemetary)..i cried in the dark. My tears glistened in the moonlight on his tombstone, i dont know why but i remember that. I talked allnight I cried and begged for forgiveness. I fell asleep laying on his grave. Morning came and I was woken by a familiar face...his mother. She took me home..I was shaking..it was winter, I had slept on the ground with nothing but a coat. We talked for a while...we were sitting at the dinner table in their house that I had sat at for so many dinners.

His mom looked at me...said one thing "Thank you". I started to bawl, I said "why I KILLED your son" She said "no you didnt it was an accident and you showed him one thing that a mom really longs for her kids...True love." another fit of bawling...for a long time..she explained about a week before the accident he came her and explained everything...he loved me...really loved me. Then she held out her hand and said "here this is for you...the paramedics found it in his pocket and he told me he was going to get you something" When it fell in my hand I knew what it was...ity was a ring. Icried for what seemed like hours she and I talked...she gave me his diary. I read it. It was amazing he felt about me like felt about him. I slept on their couch that night...just like Benji and I used to so long ago. It was what I needed.

I went back to his grave the next day, cried more and left him my own present and the ring he bought me. When I returned the next day the one I got him was gone and the one he got me wasnt.

I took my ring to the lake we used to swim in all the time...I threw it in and said goodbye to him and told him one last time that I loved him.

Our song...well declared by me is I'm Broken by Seether and EVnaescence.

I wanted you to know
I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph;
I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away
You don't feel me here, anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn,
and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

‘Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away
You don't feel me here, anymore


_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#160395 - 06/07/07 11:08 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: pain4ever]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Glad you've calmed down some.

You don't know for a fact that he'd still be here... when your time is up your time is up. Just my opinion.

J


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#160408 - 06/07/07 12:08 PM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: Jaysen]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
I can still hear his voice in my head sometimes...in my dreams and last night in my nightmares.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#160493 - 06/07/07 07:54 PM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: pain4ever]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
very touching ....brings tears to my eyes....i am so sorry..at least you experanced true love...rather than none at all....i recall this from years back......better to have loved and lost than never loved at all......put me in the never loved at all spot


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#160499 - 06/07/07 08:17 PM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: sabata]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brian,

I am so sorry to hear all this. It's a heartbreaking story and I am so glad you mentioned it here. Talking about things is always a good way to lighten the load we bear.

Benji was your friend and first lover. That's wonderful, and I hope that with time you will be able to appreciate the good memories you have of him. From what you have said here, I am sure this is what he would want you to do. He would want you to remember the loving and wonderful moments always, but let the rest go.

Benji's death was so sad and tragic, but it was an accident, as Jay and others have stressed already. Benji's mother has such a healing and healthy attitude towards it all, and perhaps you could talk to her more.

Look at it this way, perhaps. What can you do now to honor his memory? I would suggest this: Dedicate your life to being as good a friend and as loving a partner to others as he was to you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#160504 - 06/07/07 08:35 PM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: roadrunner]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
you need to go and take him some flowers

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#160522 - 06/07/07 10:02 PM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: OKIE MIKE]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Brian,

Man, my heart ached for you as I read this. I can't imagine what it has been like for you carrying this memory around in your soul all these years. As the others have said, this was an accident, a terrible accident. You didn't plan it, and certainly didn't mean for it to happen. I think Benji wouldn't want to see you in such pain over it either. I hope you can come to some kind of peace with this, I really do.

_________________________
Eddie

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#160575 - 06/08/07 02:28 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: EGL]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
((((((((Brian)))))))))

I'm so sorry, man! I feel your pain. Just read what Eddie said. I think his response was right on the money.

Take good care of yourself.

Much love,
Joe

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#160589 - 06/08/07 07:42 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: Chain Breaker]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Okay...Last night was rough.I took my partner...some flowers and sat down at his grave for a while...I talked..my partner talked. I was amazed, I thought there would be a jealousy factor and there wasn't. He told me I need to quit torchuring myself over this, it was an accident, just like all of you said. He also said he does not want me to stop loving him...he said you can...Benji helped you through alot and your not betraying him for loving me...you betray Benji if you stop have some sort of love for him. He said, just like Benji's mom, that Benji wouldnt like me not moving on either or beating myself up over this. He thanked me for taking him there and bringing him into "Benji and I's" life. It was kinda wierd it was like I was "introducing" them. It was a rough night but this makes me realize that I have the best partner in the world.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#160591 - 06/08/07 07:52 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: pain4ever]
healingpartner Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/04/07
Posts: 407
Brian

I am so happy for you. You do have a great partner. He wants to share your life...not be kept at a 'safe distance.'

My guess is you will be closer to him now than you ever have been. And I am guessing he loves Benji too...he knows what he saved you from and will be indebted forever to Benji.

Rob had some dear friends who saw him through those times, and they are gone now. I only wish I could have thanked them. And I owe them so much. I love them.

Have a great day and enjoy life. You deserve it.


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#160683 - 06/08/07 02:05 PM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: healingpartner]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Thanks Lorie...You have been a great help. Yes, i working on the distance thing!!!

And thank you everyone for your kind words....year 14 over...we will see what happens next year.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#160756 - 06/08/07 08:47 PM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: OKIE MIKE]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
i, too, lost a true love in a horrible accident - but not as bad as yours, that is, i didn't see him die. unfortunately he was revived at the scene w/cpr but then he had irreversible brain injury which left him in a coma for years before he finally died.

the thing is, just before the accident i had sent him a letter saying i didn't think things would work out between us ever - in effect, calling it off - when i didn't hear from him i called at work and a friend told me what had happened (i lived out of state at the time, going to college) -

for years i blamed myself, thinking maybe he had tried to kill himself because it was a motorcycle accident and he had hit the one concrete pole in a long stretch of just open fields, it was very suspicious.

virtually every relationship afterwards i always brought him up saying he was my only real love - and the tears i cried!!

over time, i always felt his presence, guiding me, watching over me, similar to my dead mother

Brian, we never ever really get over someone's death who meant a lot to us - we just have to progress to a place where we can accept their love inside of us, give it a permanent place, and remember what we cared and loved together.

no matter what responsibility you had that night - and clearly you owe up to the fact you did have a role to play - what's done is done and you have certainly suffered enough punishment already. even his mother forgives you - no small feat i might add.

grieve as you must but there's a time for grieving to end, to live on, as life IS truly for the living.

i agree that you must honor his life and the love you both shared -

btw, it wasn't until i met my current bf, the survivor, that i finally realized love does come around a second time, and that perhaps is why i've taken extra care for this one.

live your life with honor and courage, for you have truly loved, some folks live a life never knowing what you have known. it is special, feel it and know it every day of your life.

all the best,
indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#161260 - 06/12/07 08:11 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: indygal]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Indy,

I am sos sorry...no one should have to deal witht hat weight...ya know. Like I said before...this has been harder to get over than my abuse. I think its simply because until last year I had not dealt with it in any way.

I understand about the second love...I never thought it would happen but when I realized my feeling for my current partner were starting to surpass Benji is when I really started to have problems. However...I have to agree...it was puppy love...so young and what I have now is real and true love. I am not saying Benji and I didnt have true love but we never got to find that out or explore it. I think thats what bugs me the most.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#161354 - 06/12/07 03:43 PM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. *DELETED* [Re: OKIE MIKE]
krayoss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 112
Loc: west
Post deleted by krayoss


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#161672 - 06/15/07 12:44 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: krayoss]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Brian? I hope you believe that he has forgiven you for your mistake and that he loves you more now than he did in this life. He was a statistic Brian. Car accidents happen. I'm just sorry that it HAPPENED TO YOU because he was someone that could have helped you heal sooner in your life.

When I was 16, I was late while returning my Dad's car, I almost killed myself and 3 other passengers (we were all 15/16 at the time). I was speeding (70 in a 55) and there were some icy patches in the road. A car pulled out in front of me going the same direction. I had no choice, either rear-end the dumbass that pulled out in front of me at high speed or force the car in the oncoming lane off the road, I took a split-second gamble and chose the latter. The oncoming car, my car, and the car I passed, ALL THREE OF US intersected at the same time on that same spot on the road, with nary inches of space in between us as we closed in at a relative speed of 130mph or so.

The point is, I deserved to lose my friends and myself every bit as much as what happened to Benji. We were both inexperienced drivers at the time. Sometimes I wonder why God let us live.

I can only imagine how maturing (for lack of a better word) it must have been to have experienced the death of a truly loved friend at that age. But you're alive and Benji wants you to LIVE ok?


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#161695 - 06/15/07 08:15 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: Hauser]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
brian ,i just saw this just wanted you to know that sombody here knows how you feel; i killed my brother when he was 14 yeah they called it an accident ,but that dont help does it? sorry you have to know this pain too adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#161696 - 06/15/07 08:30 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: shadowkid]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Adam,

No matter how many times you hear it, it never sinks in.

Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#161697 - 06/15/07 08:35 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: pain4ever]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
the only thing that sinks in is im still here and hes not. i was 8 and he was my only hope at the time . i think my abuse was punishment for what happened ,well i dont think it i know it. adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#161698 - 06/15/07 08:41 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: shadowkid]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Right on...I lost him..my only hope...and people say get over it. Fuck that...he was the only hope I had...come on its not that easy. I looked at hima s my reward for abuse though...losing him was my punishment.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#161699 - 06/15/07 08:49 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: pain4ever]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
after it happend my family just fell apart,my dad still blames me and it took tenyears but it killed my mom in the end

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#161700 - 06/15/07 08:50 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: shadowkid]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
No it didnt kill your mom. Dont try and pput that on yourself. Its not your fault about the family either!

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#161701 - 06/15/07 08:51 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: pain4ever]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
SK...you waana talk...PM me..I think we have lots we can discuss.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#161702 - 06/15/07 08:52 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: pain4ever]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
shit i have to leave but i'll look for you later k adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#161703 - 06/15/07 08:53 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: shadowkid]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Okay! Take it easy.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#161708 - 06/15/07 10:10 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: OKIE MIKE]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6448
Loc: Right Here!
OK..I finally read it.

Bawling

_________________________
Straight to DVD - again

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#161709 - 06/15/07 10:14 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: Still]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Im sorry Rob...I know it hits real close to home. That took alot of strength...thank you.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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