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#160372 - 06/07/07 08:51 AM I killed him today ***Trigger Warning***
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
I killed him today...the root of my name here.

Well I am having the worst day today. I havent told many people about this but I guess I need to start healing on something that is harder for me to accept and deal with than my abuse. As if that were possible. This wasnt even in my survivor story because it was too hard to write. I am numbed out (drugs) today and bawling so I can write it now.

14 years ago today I killed my one and only source of hope and light in my life as a child. Benji was my best friend, we met in 2nd grade. He moved in a block down the road and we started to hang out. Even at that young age we had an amazing connection. We told each other our darkest secrets including my abuse.

We spent the nights at each others houses, we were like brothers only we did fool around sexually. He was the only outlet I had as a kid and he was always there for me. After I was raped or abused I would run to his house...spend all night crying in his arms. He would help me clean up...get myself back together. My mom always knew I would stay at his house so it was not uncommon. We would kiss...He helped me and saved me from committing suicide a number of times.

As the years grew on we realized it was more than a friendship...it was love. We finally admitted that at 15. BUt because we lived in a small town no one would understand it, so we kept up the play of being friends. His family and I got along great, I had been adopted by them really. It was great to see what a "normal" family was like. I loved him so much...so much I owuld have died for him but what hapenned was worse...I killed him.

I had just turned 16 and got my drivers liscence...we were out partying on a Friday night. I had a couple of drinks. what happenned neextt waslkiinda of a blurr. I was driving home and I had to pass car car ont the rood but like fool i passe don the right because he was turning left. We hit the gravel, my car started to spin...we rolled...once the car stopped it was on the roof. I looked in the passengers seat and Benji wasnt there. I got out of the car and saw...something i will neevevru forget he wasthroin from the car and it rolleeed over him. I ran to him...he wassss still l alive he lookeeed at mmmee gaspionng and said I loovve iyu. Hiiis eyes went blank he was dead.

Oh I cant do this right now....I willltryy to ocntinue later..



Edited by ModTeam (06/07/07 09:49 AM)
_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#160374 - 06/07/07 09:00 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: pain4ever]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Brian -
Don't know what to say really other than I'm sorry you're hurting over this. It was a terrible accident. I don't have any good advice for you and I'm not sure you're even looking for advice. Just stick around here today... don't be alone in this. The day will end and you'll feel better about it tomorrow.

You need to find a way to realize that even though this happened, even though you were driving, it was an accident. I know you feel horrible about it but it's not like you did this on purpose. It wasn't intentional.

Jay


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#160389 - 06/07/07 10:19 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: Jaysen]
healingpartner Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/04/07
Posts: 407
Brian....

words fail me. My heart aches for you, for your pain. I am here for you...

(((((((((((((((((Brian)))))))))))))))))))))))


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#160391 - 06/07/07 10:31 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: Jaysen]
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
What a sad story Brian, a dreadful thing to have happened. I don't suppose there's much I can say to comfort you right now, but I'm still going put my thoughts here just in case they help at all.

I agree with Jay completely. It wasn't your fault. Sure, you'd been drinking and stuff, but you both had. It could just as easily have been Benji who was driving. An unfortunate series of events led to a tragic accident ....... because that's what it was - an accident. Not murder. You didn't kill him, circumstances did.

I know it's easier said than done, but please try to forgive yourself. I'm sure that Benji wouldn't want you to spend your life in grief and guilt; he'd want you to find some peace in your life.

My thoughts are with you.

SB x

_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

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#160394 - 06/07/07 11:00 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: soapy bubbles]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
okay..I ve calmed down a bit

needless to say i was completely destroyed. My only hope in life...I had ikilled him, I nknow ith was ancident but the fact was that if it werent for that he would still he here today.

He had an open casket funeral because the car only caught him from the chest down. I tried to go, I went to the visitation but I couldnt go in the funeral..I tried but everyone knew I had survived and he hadnt. I went into the deepest depression ever......I swore id never love another man. I never saw his family again.

so fast forword to November of last year....I met my current partner. I truely fell in love with him but felt guilty. SO i decided I needed to deal with this. I went to his grave (in a country cemetary)..i cried in the dark. My tears glistened in the moonlight on his tombstone, i dont know why but i remember that. I talked allnight I cried and begged for forgiveness. I fell asleep laying on his grave. Morning came and I was woken by a familiar face...his mother. She took me home..I was shaking..it was winter, I had slept on the ground with nothing but a coat. We talked for a while...we were sitting at the dinner table in their house that I had sat at for so many dinners.

His mom looked at me...said one thing "Thank you". I started to bawl, I said "why I KILLED your son" She said "no you didnt it was an accident and you showed him one thing that a mom really longs for her kids...True love." another fit of bawling...for a long time..she explained about a week before the accident he came her and explained everything...he loved me...really loved me. Then she held out her hand and said "here this is for you...the paramedics found it in his pocket and he told me he was going to get you something" When it fell in my hand I knew what it was...ity was a ring. Icried for what seemed like hours she and I talked...she gave me his diary. I read it. It was amazing he felt about me like felt about him. I slept on their couch that night...just like Benji and I used to so long ago. It was what I needed.

I went back to his grave the next day, cried more and left him my own present and the ring he bought me. When I returned the next day the one I got him was gone and the one he got me wasnt.

I took my ring to the lake we used to swim in all the time...I threw it in and said goodbye to him and told him one last time that I loved him.

Our song...well declared by me is I'm Broken by Seether and EVnaescence.

I wanted you to know
I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph;
I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away
You don't feel me here, anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn,
and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

‘Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away
You don't feel me here, anymore


_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#160395 - 06/07/07 11:08 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: pain4ever]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Glad you've calmed down some.

You don't know for a fact that he'd still be here... when your time is up your time is up. Just my opinion.

J


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#160408 - 06/07/07 12:08 PM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: Jaysen]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
I can still hear his voice in my head sometimes...in my dreams and last night in my nightmares.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#160493 - 06/07/07 07:54 PM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: pain4ever]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
very touching ....brings tears to my eyes....i am so sorry..at least you experanced true love...rather than none at all....i recall this from years back......better to have loved and lost than never loved at all......put me in the never loved at all spot


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#160499 - 06/07/07 08:17 PM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: sabata]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brian,

I am so sorry to hear all this. It's a heartbreaking story and I am so glad you mentioned it here. Talking about things is always a good way to lighten the load we bear.

Benji was your friend and first lover. That's wonderful, and I hope that with time you will be able to appreciate the good memories you have of him. From what you have said here, I am sure this is what he would want you to do. He would want you to remember the loving and wonderful moments always, but let the rest go.

Benji's death was so sad and tragic, but it was an accident, as Jay and others have stressed already. Benji's mother has such a healing and healthy attitude towards it all, and perhaps you could talk to her more.

Look at it this way, perhaps. What can you do now to honor his memory? I would suggest this: Dedicate your life to being as good a friend and as loving a partner to others as he was to you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#160504 - 06/07/07 08:35 PM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: roadrunner]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 979
Loc: HULBERT OK
you need to go and take him some flowers

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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