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#160286 - 06/06/07 06:15 PM Life is what you make it......
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Life is what you make it! So I keep trying to make mine better.

This is a much longer post than I've seen on this site before. I'm going to start with an overview, so those who wish, can decide if they want to read on.

Raped at 13, and denied it and blamed myself.
Self destruction and suicide attempts.
Promiscuity, and attempts to prove I wasn't gay.
Marriage and divorce.
Major life choice, run from my problems.
Left town and entered college.
Graduation, moved to a new city.
Apartment fire, lost everything, hitch-hiked to a new city.
Arrived penniless, moved into a homeless shelter.
Given what I thought was a death sentence.
Found a job, moved into an apartment, money issues drove me away.
New city, new apartment, to expensive, left again.
Back to hometown, opened and sold one business, opened another company.
Currently trying to make my mark in this world, by trying to help others.

Well, where to begin.....I'll just start with the basics. I'm a GWM 43, single and a bit lonely.

I have a BA in English from a college that has gone defunct...so my one and only copy of my tran>
_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#160299 - 06/06/07 08:06 PM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: Scoutvictim]
Patrick63 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 26
Loc: Knoxville, Tennessee
Wow,

Carl! Loved your story. We are about the same age! I turn 44 in a month. I am trying to come to grips with what happened to me because I have really never dealt with it. It is biting me in the rear end because my sex drive keeps getting lower and lower and sex with my partner is causing me anxiety. I think it is because I feel ugly and dirty during sex, so I want to deal with it to be fair to my partner. We have been together almost 11 years now. He is a real sweetie pie.

Whereas you ran in a different way from me, I ran to a cult to help me become ex-gay. I spent 10 years trying to work to free myself from my sexual addictions, but it was to no avail. They threw me out for being a reprobate because I masturbated with a guy I met. They knew something was wrong because I grew pretty despondent. I eventually had to confess the whole sordid thing to my "counsellor" and they decided that I had not changed a bit so they threw me out. This cult was in Pennsylvania (about 600 miles from home). I came back home and got to spend a couple of really good years with my dad before he passed away of a heart attack. (They had forbidden contact with my family) In the 13 years I have been back home, I went back to school and got my BS and then my masters in Business. I work for a major transportation company now and do pretty well. The people in the cult said that I would never be able to go to school and if I did, I would fail because I was not diligent or smart enough to make the grade. I graduated with a 3.5 (isn't that an A?) on my BS and a 3.1 on my Masters.
Not trying to steal your thunder or anything..but your story encouraged me.
Peace
Patrick

_________________________
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandmother. Not screaming in terror like her passengers

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#160305 - 06/06/07 08:39 PM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: Patrick63]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Patrick,

Thank you, I was affraid no one would read such a long post.

I have to say, you have given me hope, as I said I've HAD 3 LTR. I'm so glad you found your life partner. I know somewhere out there is mine, I just have to keep looking.

I have thought about going back and getting my Masters, but life keeps getting in the way. Congradulations on getting your MBA.

If your interested, I may be asking you to join the board of directors for "A Place in our Hearts", my shelter.

Hope to hear from you again.

Luv ya,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#160434 - 06/07/07 02:42 PM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: Scoutvictim]
Patrick63 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 26
Loc: Knoxville, Tennessee
Sure...tell me more about it

_________________________
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandmother. Not screaming in terror like her passengers

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#160754 - 06/08/07 08:43 PM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: Patrick63]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Carl,

I'm glad you told your story. You've been through a lot and it's inspiring to see how you have managed to rise to each new challenge. Good luck with your outreach work to youth with sexual identity issues. It's so important, and many people fail to realize what the consequences can be for a kid on the run who doesn't get the support and understanding he needs.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#161058 - 06/10/07 10:51 PM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: Scoutvictim]
WesQ Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/10/07
Posts: 31
Loc: Norcross, Georgia, USA
What a life story...parts of it made cry.. but I am glad to see you have succeded this far.

Hugs ya close
Wes

_________________________
" You gotta make your own kind of music
Sing your own special song
Make your own kind music
Even if nobody else sings along"

From "Make Your Own Kind of Music" by Mama Cass Elliott of the Mamas and Papas

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#161061 - 06/10/07 11:39 PM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: WesQ]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
Carl,

I'm impressed with your courage to share this difficult story. It sounds like you've already been processing a lot. Being here will probably help move that process along. Congratulations on your honesty.

I always feel terrible when I hear about scout leaders having abused their authority to violate a boy in their care. It is simply unconscionable. I was a scout, too, and my experience was not like yours. I had good leaders who treated me and the other boys with great care and kindness, and who never would have thought of violating any of us. They even helped get me special arrangements to get my Eagle Scout award in a shorter time than normal, as I had lived in a place with no scouting program for a long time. I still hold out hope for scouting, but I recognize the difficulties of keeping boys safe in such a program. I am straight but find it offensive and misguided that they seek to solve the problem by keeping gay men out of the leadership. What they should do is keep child abusers out, but it's harder to screen for because abusers will lie when asked if they are abusers, but gay men usually will admit they are gay. So the BSA assumes that it's about homosexuality because these crimes involve male on male sex. If only they understood that sexual child abuse is mostly about power, they might come up with a better solution.

I digress. In any event, welcome to the site. Post often as you feel comfortable doing so. Always nice to meet a new friend who understands the pain and is working to heal.

Much love,
Joe

On an unrelated note, you said,

Originally Posted By: Scoutvictim
Friends say I can talk until the cows come home(whenever that is).

In my experience, that's usually right around 4:30 or 5:00 p.m. That's milking time, and milking can be a big relief.





Edited by Chain Breaker (06/10/07 11:43 PM)
_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#161132 - 06/11/07 02:53 PM Re: Life is what you make it...... *DELETED* [Re: Scoutvictim]
krayoss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 112
Loc: west
Post deleted by krayoss


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#161175 - 06/11/07 06:38 PM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: krayoss]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Carl,

I was abused by a scout leader as well - it continued for 5 years until I was 14. The bastard was also a church leader, so a double-whammy!

You might be interested to know that I wrote to National to relate my experiences and urge vigilance, and they sent back a very nice reply. They explained steps they were taking to deal with past abuses and security lapses and told me they would be happy to hear from me if I had further suggestions.

Scouting really has changed a lot since we were in it. Prospective leaders are vetted and trained, and there are strict rules about the relationships and contacts between leaders and boys. The Scout Handbook also comes with a CDRom on staying safe, and they have a film they show boys about what to do if they are approached in inappropriate ways, not just by Scout leaders, but more generally too.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#161539 - 06/14/07 01:45 AM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: roadrunner]
David1010 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 46
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
I admit I didn't read the whole story, but read almost all of it. I'm glad you posted it, and I'm glad I read it. I applaud your courage and honesty.


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#166437 - 07/13/07 02:27 AM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: Scoutvictim]
Cidnie Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/09/07
Posts: 113
Loc: SFC, CA
Not much that can be said that hasn't already been said. It's good to see people on here who have been down the road I'm trying to force myself down...it's almost like recovery for a disease where there is no cure, no treatment, where your only salvation is those who support you and your own dogged determination.
Thanks for making it for the rest of us, we'll see you when we get there.

_________________________
There is nothing natural about maturity in the physically immature. Maturity comes with wisdom, and wisdom comes with pain. Those of us with the greatest minds have endured the greatest torments.

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#166448 - 07/13/07 04:28 AM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: Cidnie]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
Cidnie

There is no cure i will go along with that, our histories will always be part of us we can never escape them. But there is treatment. Letting your voice be heard standing up and doing what is right for you. Being strong and allowing your self to trust others and be vulnerable (to the right people) is the treatment, We all can make it out of this i strongly believe that Cidnie.
But we can only do this with as you put it Dogged determination.

,Chris


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#166621 - 07/14/07 03:55 AM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: David1010]
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
hey fellow missouri man!

_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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#166683 - 07/14/07 01:55 PM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: Nate]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Hey nate.....

So, what did you think of my life?

Just wondering...

I'm in the Lou, what about you?

Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#170997 - 08/04/07 06:42 PM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: David1010]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Carl,
What a great writer you are. I can appreciate the cathartic value which is in part why I journal daily. It is a great way to reflect, unload and reassess.

I applaud your desire to create a safe place for youth. I am in graduate school for socialwork at age 50. Life calls when we least expect it to happen,if you know what I mean. You sound like you are healing everytime you share... and do what works for you.I enjoyed your story. EVERY WORD.
Be well, be safe.
Peace, Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#171000 - 08/04/07 07:13 PM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: Danbuff]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Dan,

Thank you for the kind words. I would like to welcome you to MS, and hope it helps. I have been kind of quiet the last two weeks, but I do still read and keep up with a few posts. It has been a rough two weeks, and I have found myself reluctant to get back involved.

I noticed your arrival and have been reading your posts. The "confusion" post was a touchy subject, but I do know what you mean. I did not reply because I really had no insight to add. The subject has been a battle for me in the past, but I have used "will power" to fight through it. If you wish PM me and we can talk more.

TTYL,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#229512 - 06/07/08 01:24 PM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: Scoutvictim]
terpprm Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/15/07
Posts: 312
Loc: Elyria, Ohio
i wouldn't wish this life on my worst enemies....which is kind of funny, because my worst enemies would be those that put me in this life.

_________________________
My Story

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#229515 - 06/07/08 01:36 PM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: terpprm]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Philip,

Sometimes life can be rough, but honestly, I am glad I have gone through all of it. It has made me the person that I am today.

I am a strong, caring and compassionate man who really wants to help others. My past has given me many lessons to share. I hope my past can help others, and I know it has given me the knowledge to make it through.

Luv ya,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

Top
#229518 - 06/07/08 01:50 PM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: Scoutvictim]
terpprm Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/15/07
Posts: 312
Loc: Elyria, Ohio
that's what i tell everyone. no i wouldn't change it, as it has made me a strong person. i am not gonna go into my life as of now, like what i do, as you already know. but the foundation that i have due to the CSA has given me the strength and be me.

_________________________
My Story

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#229720 - 06/08/08 03:40 PM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: terpprm]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
Carl,

I just read your post and I have to say "WOW". If my arms could reach St.Louis I'd give you a huge HUG!!!

Thank you!!!

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#229726 - 06/08/08 04:05 PM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: TNuss]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
awwwwwwwww....



and a big ((((((((((Troy)))))))))) back at cha'

Thanks for the kind words.

Luv ya,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#230328 - 06/11/08 12:25 PM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: Patrick63]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
That's some story! Good work scout! I feel like I know you better now. \:\)

_________________________
My Story
My Art

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#230337 - 06/11/08 02:04 PM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: blueshift]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
And his a hell of a person to know!!!

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#241182 - 07/29/08 09:39 PM Re: Life is what you make it...... [Re: TNuss]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
I have been trying to find some sense of belonging since I started here and reading this story has moved me. I admire your strength.

_________________________
I am the warrior.

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