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#160179 - 06/06/07 08:43 AM Problem with my partner...Porn..triggers maybe??
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Okay guys,

I am struggling with something and maybe I am just too sensitive about this. I just want some feedback to see if I am being utterly rediculous.

Okay my partner has a much higher sex drive then I do but he would never cheat but he loves porn. So we work on different schedules...he has days off during the week and I have the weekend off. Not only that but because I drive 5 hours a day, on the days he works and I work, I get home 3 or 4 hours later than he does. So anyway..

The other day I get home...we had talked about "playing" when I got home on the phone, well the previous night I had dropped the DVD remote and the batteries popped out. I get home and the remote is back together. I looked at him and said...ummm....watching porn...he says yes. This pissed me RIGHT THE F&*( OFF!!! I would have been home in an hour and a half and he couldnt wait!!! What the hell!!! Now he is a bottom so he said this....he said he wanted to get that out of the way so he didnt get too excited while we were playing and want me to stop and get him off...so he took care of it. I told him before I didnt care if he was overly excited and he wanted to stop. Im good with that...I am all about pleasing him.

Anyways, I guess I just feel like I am inferior and I cant please him even if I get him off in the morning and at night he still watches porn.

I dont know what to do. I am guess even though I am SURE he would never cheat, if he didnt have the porn, that because I have been cheated on before, I am afraid that he will cheat.

We just are at a stand still about the subject....I really dont like the porn but I would feel like an ass for saying..."No you cant watch porn!" He said he does it out of bordom...but I think thats BS..he has a high sex drive and I am not there to fulfill it. I guess I am glad its porn and not him finding sex elsewhere.

I am just so frustrated. Why do I have this adversion to porn. Most guys love it but I love him and he is all i need I dont need porn and honestly his porn thing hurts me. I dont feel good enough for him.





_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#160265 - 06/06/07 03:21 PM Re: Problem with my partner...Porn..triggers maybe?? [Re: pain4ever]
Patrick63 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 26
Loc: Knoxville, Tennessee
I don't think you are being ridiculous, but perhaps he has a porn addiction and he can't give it up. My partner wanted us both to quit watching porn because he said that porn makes him feel inferior. I watched porn because it was easier for me than having sex with him (but I never told him that) so I have tried to give it up for his sake. I still slip up from time to time because dog gone it, I just love to watch men going at it! It doesn't mean that I love my partner any less and I do not compare him with the people I see on the screen.

_________________________
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandmother. Not screaming in terror like her passengers

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#160309 - 06/06/07 09:02 PM Re: Problem with my partner...Porn..triggers maybe?? [Re: Patrick63]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i dont see anythign wrong with watching porn. you said so yourself that he has a higher sex drive than you and that he wouldnt cheat. awesome. but if hes not getting it from you, or hes not getting it from cheating, he needs some sort of release otherwise its a bad situation. i think asking him to stop is not a good thing to do. just talk about it. tell him your fears how you think you cant please him etc.. just be open about it.

p.s. and because he watches porn doesnt mean he is addicted.


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#160323 - 06/06/07 10:36 PM Re: Problem with my partner...Porn..triggers maybe?? [Re: Jarrad]
dean1320 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/07
Posts: 129
Loc: Atlanta, GA , US
I don't think you are wrong with this either, I believe that yes he may have a higher sex drive, but he needs to understand that you may not be in a position to "satisfy" him. I have been through this with my ex partner of 7 1/2 years. If he is willing to listen, just talk with him. I think you might be able to come to some compromise. The CSA, as you deal with it, will effect your sexuality, in my experience anyway.

T

_________________________
NEVER QUIT .

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#160357 - 06/07/07 08:00 AM Re: Problem with my partner...Porn..triggers maybe?? [Re: dean1320]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Well I talked ot him last night...He is willing to give it up, but i am not going to ask him to. He said it is purely out of bordom, nothing to do at home. He says I completely satisfy him, in everyway, and especially in bed. We probably have sex twice a week but i get him off once a day so I don't think it has to do with the fact of being unsatisfied. He told me it wasnt that.

He said even if he didnt have the porn he would still masterbate out of bordom. So cool, I have no problem with that.

He reassurred me that the porn is not something he needs in anyway, just that it helps when he is alone. He says that he doesnt watch it because he "wants" those men, he says he only wants me. He says he doesnt fantasize about other guys, he says he does fantasize about me doing things that are a little difficult for me to do.

He is into being tied up and dominated (He is used to the leather type tops, thats not me), I can do the tying up\domination sometimes but to me it is a trigger. But the things he likes to be told and said to him during sex are right out. So I do it when I can, and I have done the domination thing but I didn't feel like having sex for 2 or 3 weeks afterwards. I explained this to him and he says "listen Baby, its fun and all but you know what if it bothers you I dont need that." He said he would totally give up anal sex completely if it was an issue for me. I would not ask that because well.....I like it...LOL. Besides its not like we are going a week in between or anything, its at least twice a week.

He said he needs to get off his butt when he is alone at home and clean and such to keep busy rather than "entertaining" himself that way.

Thank you for your advice...I need to toughen up a bit...I am so insecure I guess. I guess it is the comparison factor that i was worried about.

He says I am great in bed but thats not why he is with me, he says he is with me because of me. Who I am and he loves me. He said he would rather shove 20 needles in his eyes than cheat on me. So I think I am okay there.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#160757 - 06/08/07 08:48 PM Re: Problem with my partner...Porn..triggers maybe?? [Re: pain4ever]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brian,

What I get out of your posts here is that there is a problem that distresses you and you are talking to him about it. At the same time, he is being open and honest about what he wants and needs. So overall this sounds like a VERY healthy relationship - no hidden grievances or worries held back in silence. This is surely a solid foundation for finding a solution that works for both of you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#160981 - 06/10/07 12:30 PM Re: Problem with my partner...Porn..triggers maybe?? [Re: pain4ever]
WesQ Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/10/07
Posts: 31
Loc: Norcross, Georgia, USA
You know what could be fun.

Come in from work or whereever and be like a porn star. Act out one of the scenes from his favorite porn movies. Even video tape it and so you two can watch it together and say "We made our own porn!"

That might help!

Hugs
Wes

_________________________
" You gotta make your own kind of music
Sing your own special song
Make your own kind music
Even if nobody else sings along"

From "Make Your Own Kind of Music" by Mama Cass Elliott of the Mamas and Papas

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#161258 - 06/12/07 08:02 AM Re: Problem with my partner...Porn..triggers maybe?? [Re: WesQ]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Wes...Did that this weekend...he was, at the least to say...amazed (and sore...LOL). Too bad I had to be drunk to do it.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#161384 - 06/12/07 07:08 PM Re: Problem with my partner...Porn..triggers maybe?? [Re: pain4ever]
WesQ Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/10/07
Posts: 31
Loc: Norcross, Georgia, USA
P4E

Well, I am glad he enjoyed himself. I hope it sparks a new light in your relationship and maybe some down and out fun.

Glad I could have helped.

Hugs n more
Wes

_________________________
" You gotta make your own kind of music
Sing your own special song
Make your own kind music
Even if nobody else sings along"

From "Make Your Own Kind of Music" by Mama Cass Elliott of the Mamas and Papas

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#161804 - 06/16/07 05:31 AM Re: Problem with my partner...Porn..triggers maybe?? [Re: WesQ]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
hey Bri...
I don't know if I have any helpful info that has not been already been said but it sound like to me that you have some difficuty trust what your partner says; being it with the porn or your ability to to satify him.

I don't know him but, you seem to be so SURE that he WILL NOT cheat on you that he seems to be honest with you.

maybe step back and try to look at your emotions about this and see if it is or is not rational for THIS relationship and not the past sneaking up on you. Trust is a tough and maybe life-long dilema with us survivors. I know it is for me especially with relationships.

I think you are dealing with it pretty well--discussing it with your partner
that seems to me the healthy way to handle it.

hope all is well,

yur pal,

Logan

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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