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#159800 - 06/04/07 12:05 PM cold & ugly
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
Underneath her skin and jewelry,
hidden in her words and eyes
is a wall that's cold and ugly
and she's scared as hell.
Trembling at the thought of feeling.
Wide awake and keeping distance.
Nothing seems to penetrate her.
She's scared as hell.
I am frightened to.
Wide awake
and keeping distance from my soul.
I am scared like you.

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

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#159811 - 06/04/07 12:24 PM Re: cold & ugly [Re: Trevor]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trev,

Fear does that to us. And for a long time, no matter what steps we take against it the fear just keeps coming back. But that's okay. We keep confronting it and eventually it does fade.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#159822 - 06/04/07 12:51 PM Re: cold & ugly [Re: roadrunner]
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
thats a tool song
it reminded me of my mothr

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

Top
#159847 - 06/04/07 03:32 PM Re: cold & ugly [Re: Trevor]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trev,

Sounds important. In what ways does it remind you of your mother?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#159951 - 06/05/07 07:41 AM Re: cold & ugly [Re: roadrunner]
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
cuz on the outside she always
seemd like evrything was ok
an like nothing bothered her
and evrything was perfect but
on the inside she was scared
all the time

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

Top
#159981 - 06/05/07 09:12 AM Re: cold & ugly [Re: Trevor]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trev,

I was wondering if you would go there - good for you!

We learn many things as we grow older, and one is that adults are never perfect, not even in the most basic and essential things. But it's a kid's privilege to idealize his parents and see them as almost godlike - the sources of all the things he wants and needs.

One of the many cruel dimensions of abuse is that it wrecks this illusion for a boy in such a brutal way. Our parents are either abusers themselves, or else they fail to protect us from the abusers, or else (as in my case) they don't see what's happening in front of their very eyes. What makes this really bad is that a young boy can't imagine that there can be any fault in his parents - or in adults for that matter - so he blames himself for what is happening to him.

So it's good you can see through the illusion, even though it hurts to do so. It's something you should keep in mind next time you feel ashamed or guilty. You did nothing wrong Trev. What happened came not from you, but from that world of adults where things look okay on the outside but are entirely fucked up where it really counts.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#159991 - 06/05/07 09:32 AM Re: cold & ugly [Re: roadrunner]
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
i just wish for once shed
say shes sorry

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

Top
#160031 - 06/05/07 03:41 PM Re: cold & ugly [Re: Trevor]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trev,

I know, bro. That would be a big step. And you deserve that, no doubt about it. Really, you do. ((((((Trev))))))

But you know what? Sometimes we can't wait around for others to figure out what THEY should do. We have to figure out what's good for US and go for it. Know what I mean?

I have had to do that with several relatives in my family. They fucked me up big-time, and I kept coming back for more because I thought "This is my family". Well, yeah, it is. But I don't owe my future to the whims of the screwed-up members of my family. Do you?

Sometimes we have to go ahead without key people in our family, even if it's our Mom. That doesn't mean we give up on them totally. It just means we refuse to hold our future to ransom for the sake of their problems and messed-up ways of thinking. We can go ahead without them and think, Okay, if they change in the futureI can still accept them. They have to make the first step.

That's what I do, Trev. The last time I saw my toxic relatives they practically ignored me and they had almost nothing to say to my son (then 18) and daughter (14). It was as if we HAD to show up at their house, so they could tick off the box marked "Larry came to see us". Wen we got back to my parents' place my Dad came to me and told me to promise my kids that he would NEVER ask us to do such a thing ever again. And we haven't.

We all need a safe circle around us, sure. But those people don't have to be blood relatives. For example, I have a second mom, Joanne. She's my real Mom's best friend and they're both totally cool with the idea of how I regard Joanne. And Joanne's daughter Beth is my sister, even if not by blood, and her son John is my little brother, though not by blood.

At the end of the day, Trev, what we need around us are people we can love, trust, and care about as we would care about ourselves. It's these things - not blood - that really count.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#160037 - 06/05/07 04:09 PM Re: cold & ugly [Re: roadrunner]
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
guess i hafto find some
of those ppl then

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

Top
#160039 - 06/05/07 04:15 PM Re: cold & ugly [Re: Trevor]
healingpartner Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/04/07
Posts: 407
very well said Larry. Wishing people were something they aren't only continues the abuse.


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#160062 - 06/05/07 06:50 PM Re: cold & ugly [Re: Trevor]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trev,

Originally Posted By: Trevor
guess i hafto find some
of those ppl then


Maybe you already have.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#160215 - 06/06/07 10:20 AM Re: cold & ugly [Re: roadrunner]
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
ya sometimes i think so
but then evn w all the
ppl i still feel all
alone

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

Top
#160237 - 06/06/07 12:00 PM Re: cold & ugly [Re: Trevor]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trev,

That's a common feeling among survivors, especially guys who are still trying to talk about things. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that when you look around you or just walk somewhere, it feels like none of what's happening around you makes any sense - it's all bullshit and has nothing to do with you at all.

Or you listen to people you know and hear them arguing about something, and you think, "Shut up! That is so NOT important!" I have had a number of guys your age tell me about how their friends all seem to argue over trivial things and seem to have no clue about what's really important.

So in a way it's a stage, Trev. Keep talking and keep working on things and you'll get past this. It just takes time.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#160240 - 06/06/07 12:16 PM Re: cold & ugly [Re: roadrunner]
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
im sick of it taking
time!

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

Top
#160271 - 06/06/07 03:35 PM Re: cold & ugly [Re: Trevor]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trev,

I sure am with you on that page. What pissed me off so bad was the feeling that I wasn't going anywhere, not feeling any better at all. I didn't realize that sometimes we are making real progress and it still hurts like before.

I also HATED it when people told me "it just takes time". Arrrrrggghhhhhh!!!!! Go ahead, just say it: "Fuck off with that 'it just takes time' shit. I hate this!" You can quote me if you like.

Much hating of it taking time,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
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