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#159667 - 06/03/07 05:31 PM Chat Guidelines for F&F discussion
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
The following was posted today as a sticky topic in this forum.
Chat Guidelines for Friends and Family

Quote:
The malesurvivor.org Chat Room includes a room specifically for Friends and Family discussion. We invite Friends and Family of male survivors to chat, with the following limitations, in the main room (Lounge):

--Please understand that some male survivors prefer to chat in a male-only space, especially about abuse and recovery related issues. You may be asked by a survivor to move to the Friends and Family room. Please respect that request and leave the main room. You may continue other conversations via private chat.

--Please take the initiative to avoid uncomfortable feelings later and introduce yourself to other chatters you do not know as a F&F member of the site.

--The same guidelines about "acting out" and "hooking up" apply to survivors and F&F in the chat. It is the position of MaleSurvivor that ANY sexual connection initiated here, whether implied or actual, is counterproductive to the spirit and goals of this website. If sexual chat comes to the attention of the moderator team you may be banned from the site. If you are uncomfortable with someone else's behavior in chat, please tell a moderator.



If anyone has questions or comments about this, please post them in this thread. Thank you on behalf of all the mods and admin.

SAR


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#159670 - 06/03/07 05:50 PM Re: Chat Guidelines for F&F discussion [Re: SAR]
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
As a female partner who sometimes goes into chat, there are additional rules I hold myself to-- I would not call them site guidelines but they are practices I feel are good for me to follow.

I am sure there are other F&F here who have their own "unwritten rules" and thought we could discuss those in this thread too.

For myself, I would not say anything on this site, in a post, in chat or in private message, that I would not want my partner to read. I do not know that I would ask everyone to hold themselves to that standard, for example, if they had questions about a survivor's possibly abusive behavior they should post whether the survivor likes it or not. But, if the survivor is in recovery, not abusive, and aware that his partner is sharing his/her own feelings which may sometimes be hard for the survivor to read, I think it is a good general rule.

I try to remember that I came here to support my partner in the first place, and to that end I want my actions here to be supportive of him. That means I avoid giving out TMI about his history, and certainly I avoid developing a connection with someone else here that could take emotional energy away from my relationship.

I also excuse myself from the chat room if there are male survivors in there who are discussing a heavy or triggering subject for me, especially where I think someone might not speak freely if they knew I was in the room. When guys are talking about their struggles w/ sexual identity or acting out, I only stay if explicitly invited to stay by the person who is sharing that.


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#159673 - 06/03/07 06:06 PM Re: Chat Guidelines for F&F discussion [Re: SAR]
healingpartner Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/04/07
Posts: 407
As a wife and mother of survivors, and someone who frequents chat, one thing I have done is use icons to indicate this. I use the little pink person by my name and on the listing I have flowers.

Perhaps a standard symbol for female participants could be adopted so it would be clear at a glance.


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#159676 - 06/03/07 06:15 PM Re: Chat Guidelines for F&F discussion [Re: healingpartner]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
if you live with or are a family member of a survivor ,then to me you paid your dues to be in this club, we had no choice we kinda inherited a lifetime membership ,you guys choose to travel this dark road with your husband or family member, you should be welcome at any part of the site. family and friends are so important.

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#159691 - 06/03/07 07:05 PM Re: Chat Guidelines for F&F discussion [Re: shadowkid]
philobat Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/31/07
Posts: 293
Loc: California
This is yet another example of CONTROL ISSUES, which are being enforced and causing quite a bit of havoc lately.

Also, I completely agree with Shadow on this issue. Our support has earned their place basking in the sun of recovery. If you want to start a chat that is for men only- then open a "treehouse" like room and say Male Chat Only Lounge or whatever.

If this website does not wake up and rid itself of fascist, dictorial polices I will leave this site and encourage many to leave as well.

btw, SAR- Lorie knows what she is doing and is always upfront about who she is- and she is loved by many on here.

-Philobat



Edited by SAR (06/03/07 11:40 PM)

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#159747 - 06/03/07 11:57 PM Re: Chat Guidelines for F&F discussion [Re: philobat]
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Philo,

I have edited the parts of your post above which addressed other site moderation issues, as they were against guidelines and off topic. As a member of site administration I will be happy to address them with you via PM. I am asking you to please limit your comments on this thread to the topic of F&F in chat and to not discuss private mod actions in public forums.

I should have explained this earlier, and I regret that I did not:

This is not new policy. This is a topic which comes up from time to time, usually by male survivors who are uncomfortable or unaware that there are women in the chat room. In the past, anyone who has asked has been given an answer almost exactly like the policy above.

It has come up again recently and since I am in the middle of an effort to make site guidelines clearer and easier to find for our members (not to change them but to clarify and make them more visible), I decided that now would be a good time to post something that would allow people to know ahead of time instead of having to ask first.




Edited by SAR (06/03/07 11:59 PM)

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#159750 - 06/04/07 12:29 AM Re: Chat Guidelines for F&F discussion [Re: SAR]
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Lorie,

Thank you. I like the idea of using a feminine icon/avatar, and I think it is a good way to let people know who you are. Also a name such as "healingpartner" is a good indicator (but not one that everyone will pick up on) and you identify yourself as a mom and wife in your signature.

Personally I have been resistant to efforts to give everyone a standard "female" marker in the past. I have always felt that giving women the icon or whatever as a matter of policy, instead of allowing them to do it as a personal choice, takes away some of the responsibility of being sensitive to the issue.

Does that make sense? I really would like to hear from other F&F about what responsibilities they feel they have to respect the "Male" component of MaleSurvivor. I mean, I think our F&F are a respectful and supportive bunch, so they must have some boundaries and ideas about this.

Shadow and Philo,

Thank you. As a partner of a survivor for 11 years I appreciate the sentiment that I have paid my dues, and the validation that I have been through my own journey with regards to my partner's CSA symptoms.

I do believe though, that on this site, if a MS does not feel free to share in the main MS chat room because I am there, that the right thing for me to do is come back another time. I would not push my own partner into sharing in front of me if he wanted to speak w/ his brother, therapist, or other survivors. I would respect his need for space and trust that as he healed he would move into sharing more openly.


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#159753 - 06/04/07 12:42 AM Re: Chat Guidelines for F&F discussion [Re: SAR]
mack Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/07/07
Posts: 101
Loc: new mexico
I would like to say that there are people here, who I've met in chat, that I have no idea of their gender.
From day one, I knew Healing Partner was a female and I am truly grateful for her. She has managed to instill in me a renewed hope that I could possibly find a partner of my own.
Frankly, I feel safe enough here to say whatever I need to no matter who is in chat. Male or Female.
It brings me some comfort knowing that 'partners' are there, and they give great insight as to how they handle survivors 'ups and downs'.

_________________________
mack

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#159766 - 06/04/07 06:56 AM Re: Chat Guidelines for F&F discussion [Re: mack]
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
There's also the fact that some partners are male. So they come under the f&f category, but can participate in the male (i.e. survivor) chat. So an icon for showing someone as a woman isn't necessarily appropriate because the f&f might be male, but not a survivor.

gosh, I don't think i made that very clear, but i hope you understand what i mean!

SB x

_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

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#159767 - 06/04/07 06:59 AM Re: Chat Guidelines for F&F discussion [Re: soapy bubbles]
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
Also, a female f&f may also be a survivor. So although this is a site for male survivor healing, and it would be inappropriate for a woman survivor to talk about her own issues here, she may still have immense understanding of what the men are going through and have value to add to chat.

I think it all comes down to sensitivity on the part of each of us as to whether we should be part of a particular conversation or not.

I personally don't ever join the chatroom because I don't think it's appropriate for me to do so. I'm happy with the discussion board which produces slower, but possibly more thoughtful, replies.

SB x

_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

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