Newest Members
Anony_mous, Drew6991x, Miro, jj843, The Abyss
12364 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
gryffindor (67), KevinSweeney (57), latinflavor815 (52), latin_flavor_815 (52), RTMark (33), sabooka (35), southpaw10 (46)
Who's Online
3 registered (traveler, 2 invisible), 20 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12364 Members
74 Forums
63546 Topics
443994 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#159658 - 06/03/07 05:04 PM Hello, new guy here
Patrick63 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 26
Loc: Knoxville, Tennessee
Howdy,

My name is Patrick and I just found this wonderful place. I am a joe average kind of gay guy and have been partnered to a wonderful guy for 10 years now. My partner and I have noticed that sex has gotten very difficult for me to perform the last 4 to 5 years. It is almost like I have a panic attack when he mentions having sex. I have been "enduring" it to try to keep him happy, but I have tried to minimize it to once a month or less. This is not good for our relationship and I fear he may start looking elsewhere.

I am a sexual survivor and was abused by my cousin and then his father at ages 8 and 9. I am pretty sure it only happened twice, but each time was 4 to 6 hours long over the course of a night time. The problem was that I was not allowed to talk about it and my cousin's father was a respected pastor in his community, so after a while it was easy to pretend that it did not happen.

I have touched briefly on it at a few therapy sessions I had in my thirties, but did not go into depth with it. I have always had sexual intimacy problems and in my mind I separate sex from love and keep it in the "nasty, dirty and shameful" category. I am able to have a wonderful, emotional relationship with my partner, but when it comes to sex...I tend to "have a headache". He has been very patient with me, so I want to deal with this thing in my life so that I will not have a panic attack at the mention of sex.

I am looking forward to spending lots of time on this site. Thanks!


Top
#159763 - 06/04/07 06:08 AM Re: Hello, new guy here [Re: Patrick63]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Welcome to the site. First off, I can personally relate to several of the things you mention, in particular the way sexual anxiety seems to intensify as the relationship matures. This is very common amongst CSA survivors. The key is finding a way to communicate with your partner about it.

I would have to say that the single most destructive force in CSA is the "secret". It is powerful and often underestimated. It poisons our innocense and festers all the way into our adult lives. The silence MUST be broken.

I'm sure that you will find an overwhelming amount of support from the guys here, and that's just one of the things that makes this place so great.

Take care,
Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

Top
#159782 - 06/04/07 08:38 AM Re: Hello, new guy here [Re: cbfull]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Patrick,

Congrats on finding this place! It is great and you will find a lot of guys who will understand what you are going through and they will also have some very good insight (in my experiences).

Now onto your concerns. I can completely relate. I am gay too and sex, until a few months ago, was nothing but a performance. I was worried about losing my partner because I had a VERY low sex drive. With my first partner I did what are doing for the longest time and that is "enduring" it. That is no way to live your life man!

I agree with whats been said by Craig. You need to talk to your partner. If you have been with him for 10 years I assume he loves you and understands a great deal. Now you need to tell him what is going on because you may find that he is so totally understanding that you will kick yourself for not telling him sooner. Do you think he will understand? Honestly, it was the best thing that I ever did, telling my partner, communicating with him the problems. It will take two to get sex to become the beautiful thing it really is. I was not telling my partner and that was the worst thing I could have done.

If you don't tell him what is going on then he may assume that there is something else wrong. Like you are losing interest in him, thats what my partner thought. You don't want him to assume that in anyway shape or form.

Now since you guys have been together for 10 years, I am surprised its just now being a problem. Are you guys fairly open to each others issues? Do you think you can tell him? You dont have to tell him the details, just let him know whats going on, he needs to know.

I know this can be diofficult and I hope you can get back into therapy. Its a life saver! Also, I had to be put on meds for my panic attacks, so many people hate meds but after I went through the majority of the "discovery" period of my healing process, I no longer take the xanax or have panic attacks. Meds are not perminant they are just a tool to use to help you cope while healing from the abuse you endured.

Remember none of this is your fault, you are not alone and you deserve to be loved.

Glad you came here!
Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

Top
#159798 - 06/04/07 11:07 AM Re: Hello, new guy here [Re: pain4ever]
Patrick63 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 26
Loc: Knoxville, Tennessee
It is funny that when one starts peeling back the layers, one can see that "oh,now I know why I act this way or that way". I had told my partner 5 or 6 years ago that I had been sexually abused. But I had always hated the "victim" mentality and thought I could just forget it ever happened. Also, I have told so many lies to myself and my partner over the years as to why I had such a low sex drive.
I also have a terrible body image problem and am 12 pounds overweight. When I see myself naked, I am really ashamed of myself and cannot bring myself to have sex. My partner tries to tell me that I am a really handsome guy, but I just do not believe him. So I need to tell him that is another issue for me.
I think my body image problem is because my mom caught me masturbating when I was 14 and really shamed me over it. My mom has always said that the human body is very ugly and should stay covered up. I have an approach/avoidance problem with nakedness. I love to see other guys naked, but never want someone to see me naked.
So many issues...so little time..lol. Hopefully, over time I will get these things worked out. I need to find a decent therapist, but in Knoxville, I do not know where I would find one

_________________________
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandmother. Not screaming in terror like her passengers

Top
#159830 - 06/04/07 01:21 PM Re: Hello, new guy here [Re: Patrick63]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Watch peeling back layers too....you may find things you don't necessarily want but you know thats part of healing.

Right I understand the Victim mentality comment but we were victims at one time and now we have to stop being victims and heal! I called that the self-pity cycle, but we need to greave...be mad...be sad...feel the pain and emotion. That is part of the healing process.

Forgetting....Wish it were that easy...I truely do. It never happens though, you got to take things head on!!!

I have serious body image issue too but you know what, I dont have to show anyone my body except my partner, so I dont worry about it. I am who I am, the only person I need to impress is my partner so who give a flying leap about anyone else. That attitude I adopted really fixed my overeating problem and I have been losing weight ever since!

I too was caught several times masterbating and I thought it was dirty ....along with sex but after alot of counseling now I dont.

If your partner thinks ur handsome then you are man...12 pounds...LOL...I need to lose 40. It doesnt matter you need to realize you are beautiful and your body is not whats beautiful...you are. If people are only interested in you for your body then they are interested in you!

Finding a therapist....hmm....did you try the resources page from the main MS page?

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

Top
#159850 - 06/04/07 04:06 PM Re: Hello, new guy here [Re: pain4ever]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Hey, Patrick

Welcome to the site.

I have had a lot of the same issues you talked about - I get paniced about having sex, alttough once I start, I'm ok. Until the end, when the guilt sets in! The body image problem is huge. I used to be about 70 pounds overweight. I lost the weight and became a triathlete and trail runner. I have 9% body fat, and when I look in the mirror, I still see a disgusting, ugly, flabby pig.

Those images are so deeply ingrained. I actually would not make eye contact with myself in mirrors until 2 month ago. So the 12 pounds, or the 40 pounds or the new nose of the better pair of pants don't matter. We each have to come to love the person inside of us. Like pain4ever said, its YOU that is beautiful. Easy to say, huh?


Well, I think this is a good place to start, becuase the men here can make you feel 10 feet tall - they can listen to what you have to say and they get it, they understand. You are not alone. Unfortunately, we are all here for the same reason, but fortunately we are all moving toward healing.

Again,Welcome

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

Top
#159864 - 06/04/07 05:16 PM Re: Hello, new guy here [Re: dannym]
Patrick63 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 26
Loc: Knoxville, Tennessee
Thanks guys. I am starting to feel much better about myself. I appreciate all your good advice I checked out the different books on here and have already ordered Victim No More and one other one (name escapes me) I am going to try to stay the course with books and hopefully I will find a therapist in Knoxville who will help me on this journey.


My partner and I had a long talk last night and I realize that it will take a while to get through this, but he is willing to go the distance. He told me he was in this for the long haul and plans to stay with me till we get old and gray. So I am really blessed having him and you guys in my life now. Thank you!

_________________________
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandmother. Not screaming in terror like her passengers

Top
#161134 - 06/11/07 03:06 PM Re: Hello, new guy here *DELETED* [Re: dannym]
krayoss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 112
Loc: west
Post deleted by krayoss


Top
#161174 - 06/11/07 06:32 PM Re: Hello, new guy here [Re: krayoss]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Patrick,

Just another word of welcome to Male Survivor. So many of the issues you mention so far will be very familiar themes here, and of course there's always the cloud of shame hanging over everything. Keep talking about things. It does help and you will find a lot of understanding here.

12 pounds overweight? I would love to be in that situation!!!!! \:\) Maybe in the next decade! lol

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.