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#159567 - 06/03/07 03:07 AM Dealing with it, or not?
malcinstinctive Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 2
Hi All. Im new here...

The simple truth is that I was sexually molested by a close family friend when I was ten and eleven years old.

This year I had my fortieth birthday. In so many ways my life is wonderful and privileged. I’m in a committed and wonderful relationship, and I have a superb, well-paid job. I have lots of interests, travel widely, have a small but wonderful circle of family and friends who are completely accepting of my sexuality, etc., etc.

But there’s always been something “bothering me”. For a long time I assumed it were just the trials and tribulation of being gay and in the closet. Whilst I had never had any personal sense of conflict with my sexuality, the rampant homophobia that surrounded me as a kid forced me into a closet I only managed to break out of six years ago. That was a cathartic experience, and almost entirely positive.

I say “almost” because this thing that’s bothering me didn’t go away. There’s still something odd going on that I need to resolve. It’s really difficult to express what I mean. It’s as if I am searching for a piece of me I can never find, as if there is something missing.

I have never “dealt” with the sexual abuse I suffered. I guess it’s easy to trivialise. It wasn’t serious abuse… I wasn’t raped. When I was a kid adults used to call it being “interfered with”. That’s how it felt. I knew it was wrong, and I couldn’t make sense of it…. I guess there isn’t a whole lot of sense in it in the first place!

So I’m wondering whether I need to deal with it in someway… hence this post.

Adolescence was such a weird place for me… I’d had such a comfortable, simple childhood. Very loving, full of values I still adhere to of respect and tolerance and humility. When I look back to me as a kid, I realise there were lots of things that pointed in the direction of the gay adult I was to become: sensitivity, fantasising, disliking competitive sport, lots of art, enjoying dressing up. But then within a couple of years there I was being molested and dealing with being gay in an anti-gay world. One of the processes I went through when I came out six years ago was to accept that my teenage years were not so nice. Previously I had built a defence mechanism that romanticised my teens. It was only when I took off the rose tinted glasses that I realised I needed to get real… it had been hell.

So I’m not sure if any of this is making any sense, and I have no idea whether I should be dealing with the abuse I survived, or whether its all a load of indulgent nonsense.

I guess I would appreciate your thought!

Thanks for reading

Malc (UK)



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#159611 - 06/03/07 12:30 PM Re: Dealing with it, or not? [Re: malcinstinctive]
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
Hi Malc,
Welcome to this place, there's a lot of support and understanding here.

Your post makes sense. If there's something somewhere in your past that's unresolved and bothering you then it's certainly not indulgent nonsense.


take care
~G

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

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#159761 - 06/04/07 06:01 AM Re: Dealing with it, or not? [Re: malcinstinctive]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
First of all, welcome to the site! I think you will find that many of the thoughts and feelings you just described are understood by just about everyone here.

I personally have found that the only way to make sense of these confusing feelings is to discuss them with people you trust.

Perhaps I am mistaken, but you seem to convey a tone of calamity in your post, and I don't want to interpret that as meaning your concerns are minor. Rather it seems that you chose your words carefully before posting.

First off, I think others here would agree that all forms of abuse are serious. We do not judge one person's experience as "extremely serious", and another's as "not that serious". It is counterproductive to our goals here and creates isolation as well as categorization. If you feel it is important, then it is. "Trivializing" of events tends to make them pop up again at times when we would most definitely prefer they didn't. Dark secrets have a way of doing that.

I most certainly do not think it is "indulgent nonsense". It sounds like you are allowing yourself to dismiss the importance it might hold because of all the other things in your life that seem to be going so well. CSA is powerful, and it can cast the darkest cloud over the most gifted existence. I hope I am making sense here, it's rather early.

The decision to delve into the past and try to re-surface these memories is your decision and your's only. You certainly don't have to be able to justify why you might or might not explore this part of your childhood because it belongs entirely to you.

Good luck and keep posting.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#159853 - 06/04/07 04:40 PM Re: Dealing with it, or not? [Re: cbfull]
malcinstinctive Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 2
Hi, and thanks for your comments.

I certainly dont mean to trivialise what happened to me. I am beginning to wonder, though, whether it is possible really to understand its impact.

Part of my coming out was a realisation, an acceptance if you will, that when I was in my teens I was a gay kid growing up in a homophobic world. I realised I had been a victim, therefore, of institutionalised abuse for all the years I was at high school. The gay man's closet is a manifestation not of prejudice or bigotry, but of child abuse: the abuses of isolation, insult, rejection and hate. (Society continues to abuse every gay and lesbian kid in this way every day, year in, year out.) It was by accepting that, accepting that I had been a victim of that, that let me let it go and come out.

Now, buried beneath where that closet used to be is this weird thing I experienced around the same time I was building the closet. I need to dig that up now. Understand it for what it is and let it go.

I cant fix it, I mean I cant turn the clock back. It there, its done... but I do need to let it go. Once and for all.

Still making sense?

Malcolm


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#159889 - 06/04/07 08:10 PM Re: Dealing with it, or not? [Re: malcinstinctive]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
This may not be a very useful response, but for me I had to learn to "own" what had happened to me.

To ellaborate, one thing I did was to decide that I would absolutely forbid myself from feeling responsible, or that I allowed it to happen, or that I wanted it, even though I couldn't explain it. I decided it was okay to relinquish myself of responsibility, and no explanation will ever be required. Anyone who might suggest that my logic is flawed since I cannot explain it, is being cruel and ignorant, to which I would assert that it is not possible for me to be healthy around this person.

I came up with a lot of these "self-laws", and I followed them as such. It almost felt selfish to let myself off the hook like that, but I had a feeling that this was going to be the only way for me to rise above it all.

To this day I still hold these philosophies, and they still work.

Okay, I'll get off my soapbox now.

6/8/07 - Edited some terms to reflect that this was MY personal experience, and not necessarily a lesson for anyone else.



Edited by cbfull (06/08/07 10:49 AM)
_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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