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#159526 - 06/02/07 08:05 PM book "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
well there's good reason this is such a well-read book - it's absolutely incredible, well written and organized into very succinct categories that makes it easy to browse through as opposed to having to sit down and read one chapter before going to the next.

altho there is only one section written specifically for partners and/or fnf, i found most of the book extremely helpful and even learned some new items i had not known before - such as he discusses the difficulty some survivors have with ever raising their voices - ?? huh? i thought - and then i realized, yes, that also describes my bf - who would have thought - it also made sense that another friend of his acted surprised when i spoke about him being angry - seems this other friend had never even seen him angry before ?

at any rate, am not sure i can really do this book justice as far as how great it is and what i'm able to convey in this post - but please, all fnf, if you are serious about wanting to know more about survivors, this book is a *must* read;

one more note - as other fnf have and probably will do in the future - yes, i gave my bf a copy of this (actually ordered it for him and had it sent to his home) but he returned it - this book is clearly NOT one that would be read before the survivor is ready - it's of the kind one would seek out - even as a fnf person, i read a lot of other books and papers, etc. first before venturing into this one. of course, that's just me, but what i'm trying to say is one will appreciate what this book has to say if one is already somewhat prepared, i think.

all the best,
indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#159669 - 06/03/07 05:44 PM Re: book "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew [Re: indygal]
healingpartner Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/04/07
Posts: 407
I have found this book extremely helpful myself. I have learned more from the survivor books than ones geared to partners...but that is just me


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#161484 - 06/13/07 04:05 PM Re: book "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew [Re: healingpartner]
worriedfriends Offline
New Here

Registered: 05/26/07
Posts: 4
I agree I started reading it and gave a copy to my friend who was abused sexual as a kid and I was abused but only mentally and phyically so some of the book actually means something to me as well. I'm learning lots about myself and also where my best friend is coming from and why he does/says some of the things he does many of the things stem back to his abuse and he had a revelation about 2 days ago which was mind blowing for him. I was so happy for him!!


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#162781 - 06/22/07 12:25 AM Re: book "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew [Re: worriedfriends]
MaireLionheart Offline
New Here

Registered: 05/29/07
Posts: 7
Loc: east coast
I bought this for my husband a few weeks ago, I was so nervous that he'd reject it, but he was ready: and I am so PROUD of him, he is reading it, taking it to the river and having alone time with it, taking it with him to work, and yesterday he shared with me a list of 'common feelings' of survivors from the book - with the ones he felt the strongest checked off.

I read through it and it has been enlightening...I think it is an excellent book. I didn't know there wsa a spouse section, thank you for letting me know, I will definitely read it!

_________________________
Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery

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#162820 - 06/22/07 08:58 AM Re: book "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew [Re: MaireLionheart]
fantagrl Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/18/07
Posts: 48
I just got my copy on Friday. Haven't had a lot of time so I'm only on chapter two...but so far it's been really insightful. I was confused or had that "does not compute" thing going on in my head as far as my BF's (apparant) feelings about his abuser. I mean that in the sence that I couldn't understand why he didn't have absolute hatred towards him. So far, It's really helped me. I haven't offered it to BF yet, I want to read it first, but I think it would be helpful to him also. So far, so good. I can't say enough.


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#162997 - 06/23/07 01:49 AM Re: book "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew [Re: fantagrl]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Lew's book is an absolute classic, for sure, but I would agree with the comment above that a survivor has to be ready for big steps before he can benefit from this book - or any book I suppose.

I have posted elsewhere here in F&F on a new book written for partners, If the Man You Love Was Abused, by Marie and Marlene Browne, a mother/daughter team (lawyer/therapist). Have look at

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=160090&page=5#Post160090

The advantage of this book is that it addresses the concerns of partners more directly than Lew does. Mike's book is still the definitive statement on how abuse affects men, but this book is worth reading for the partners' perspective.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#163084 - 06/23/07 11:31 PM Re: book "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew [Re: roadrunner]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
i think what i tried to say as discreetly as possible is that "victims no longer" is truly a survivor's book rather than a partner's book - but i got the impression from many survivors who've talked about it on this site they want partners to read it also (and i don't want to discount those suggestions).

something i was told in a pm about how devastating csa is not just to the survivor but how widespread the effects actually are - to partners, friends, society in general, indicates a bridge between the 2 needs to be addressed, not just for partners, but for society in general.

that is, as problems from csa in men becomes more relevant and discussed in society, other people such as employers, law enforcement, health care workers, educators, all need to be aware of how to communicate better with survivors and be more sensitive to a male survivor's issues as well as female survivors also, right?

maybe the next one will take all this into account and address these problems as all-inclusive.

just my take on it.
indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#163087 - 06/24/07 12:37 AM Re: book "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew [Re: indygal]
GWsurvives Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 251
Loc: Atlanta, and here, among othe...
I think that it is incredible book... I'll go so far as to say it has saved my life.. not literally.. but it got me into therapy... so much of me in it.. I should be paid royalties.

_________________________
"Some times there just aren't enough rocks" Forrest Gump

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#163103 - 06/24/07 09:40 AM Re: book "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew [Re: GWsurvives]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Indy,

Yep. I read Mike's book and several others and still had no idea how my issues were affecting my wife or my relationship with her. I just did not see. That step didn't come for me until I started reading a lot in this forum. I was stunned to see what I was missing and to realize how different all this looks to a partner.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#243579 - 08/09/08 08:08 PM Re: book "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew [Re: roadrunner]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
bump

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#244970 - 08/16/08 11:24 AM Re: book "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew [Re: indygal]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2439
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, After reading Mic Hunters, Abused Boys, The next step in (trying) to figure myself out is this one "Victims No Longer, I just ordered it, as I'll need something to read when I get the the Good 'OL USA. Thanks for the insight.
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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