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#159028 - 05/30/07 08:12 AM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: Chain Breaker]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Joe,

You know you have great insight! Never looked at it like that.

1. Very true...exciting but that gets old fast.
2. Working on that and having a true partner helps immensly.
3. Right on!! Bad boys all end up in the same familiar end.
4. Predictability...looking for it in the wrong place! But thats true, so much is unexpected and screwed up so why not have one thing that is predictible.
5. Used to! Seriously up until a few months ago I had huge gay issues. Being raised in a family that alltogether had founded 11 churches, umm...yeah I was ashamed, hence why I got married. I was terrified of being gay. I thought it was wrong and I thought I could ignore it and it would go away...no what hapenned is I nearly completely lost it mentally from pretending. My attitude now??? Screw you if you don't like it, how does it affect YOU who I sleep with at night?!?!? (Not you personally but you know what I mean) And if I hear another person say it is a choice I will lose it!

Plus since I have only been out for a couple years I think I had to get it out of my system, be a bad boy, be with bad boys.

Its really like starting all over with life!

Okay so now...over with the bad boy phase....time to grow up.


Also...yeah I finally have enough self-esteem to say...if you treat me badly then get out. I dont need a man, I have a great job, good car, good house, make good money....I can seriously live without sex...so why would I "need" a partner...I don't. (I wanted one) It was my mother who finally said, why are you settling??? And I realized I was worth more! I shouldnt settle. Thats how I ended up with my current partner....one hell of a great guy. I wasn't even looking.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#159039 - 05/30/07 09:07 AM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: pain4ever]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brian,

Originally Posted By: pain4ever
JIt was my mother who finally said, why are you settling??? And I realized I was worth more! I shouldnt settle. Thats how I ended up with my current partner....one hell of a great guy. I wasn't even looking.


I think that happens a lot. There is, after all, such a thing as trying too hard. Once we lighten up and relax and just be ourselves, we are much more likely to connect with the type of people we really need and want to have in our lives.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#159058 - 05/30/07 10:39 AM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: roadrunner]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
This is a great milestone for you, Brian! Your decision to swear off the "bad boys" will help you stay in a healthy relationship. A healthy intimate relationship is a wonderful thing! My wife and I used to be at odds all the time, but we've both grown up enough over the last two years that we truly love each other. These have been tough years, but they have been the best two years of my life.

I hope that you and your partner will find the same kind of happiness as you grow together. It sounds like he's having a good influence on you. From what I've seen, I think most gay people grow up in homes where homosexuality is seen as bad, and so they're unable to express their sexuality for many years. I believe people who find themselves in this situation often go through a rebellious, even self-destructive period of experimentation, dangerous relationships and one-night stands once they come out. Some people stay there, and some people come to see how they're hurting themselves and make a change. I'm glad you're one of the latter group.

Take care,
Joe

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#159079 - 05/30/07 12:47 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: Chain Breaker]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Joe,

I have to agree with you on the destructive period. I went through some really rough times sexually but that was short lived. I knew it wasn't me. I was the marrying type but was married to the wrong sex. It was my ex-boyfriend who kind of drove me into the "bad boy" era, where I was one. It didnt last long.

I had a heart to heart with my partner last night. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, he makes me feel whole, he is caring, loving and the most understanding individual in the world. I told him something I have felt for a long time but have not told him....

He is God's way of repaying me for the abuse I endured as a kid.

I truely beleive that....He bawled and I bawled right along with him. I never want to lose him. I have opened up so far with him that if he hurts me i don't know if I will ever recover but I have faith in him. He is the best man I have ever met and I strive to be more like him.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#159086 - 05/30/07 01:19 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: pain4ever]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
What a triumph for you! And a blessing. I believe you may be right about God repaying you for the abuse you suffered. I'm so glad to hear that you are developing a really strong relationship now, and with a healthy partner.

As for the part about him hurting you, I think that's inevitable in any close relationship. I think you need to plan for that type of event. I'm not talking about a major betrayal here, either, but just the ordinary hurting people do to each other with a thoughtless word or a spat of anger. Part of what makes a marriage fulfilling is the tension between two people. It's because you work through the tension together and both feel stronger afterward. You are stronger as individuals, and as a pair. My wife and I hurt each other emotionally fairly often. It's just that the kind interactions are about five times more frequent than the hurtful ones. There's also nothing like reconciliation to give you faith in human beings again, IMHO. Love is as loud as hate, kindness as intense as meanness, and good cheer as powerful as anger. Keeping about that 5:1 ratio on the positive side is what keeps it working.

It sounds like a lot of good things are on the horizon for you.

Joe

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#159326 - 06/01/07 10:11 AM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: Chain Breaker]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Joe,

You have a great outlook on relationships, amazingly grounded. I think I romantisize too much and am too sensitive. I need to toughen up without closing off.

Thank you so much!

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#159463 - 06/02/07 11:38 AM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: FormerTexan]
buzz_key Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
Brian,

Very good advice coming from everyone's responses. I too spent my whole life doing the same thing. The reasons and remedies are complicated like Larry said.

You mentioned something a while back about starting to think about sexually acting out, but you stopped actually doing that a long time ago. In my case, in talking with my T, I think about my acting out when I am trying to cope with stress. There is/are triggers we each have about different things that we rely on coping mechanisms to help us through.

We all have different triggers - mine happens to be when I am alone. I HATE being alone...always have since I can remember, I believe it is because I was abandoned when I was 6.
When I am alone, I am stressed and I act out to comfort myself - I have actually just begun understanding this in my therapy sessions.

Once we understand at least a portion of our coping - we can begin to make choices.

Anyway...back to you and the people you are attracted to and that you attract.

I really beleive that our self image and worth impacts us as to how we present ourselves and live our lives --- some of the things that people evaluate when determining if they are attracted to you or not are then displayed as a result.
With that being said...we know for a fact that our abuse has had an impact on our self images and worth...
next question is how?

That brings all of this back to the point made a couple of times before...therapy is critical to unraveling, understanding and changing.

Keep writing Brian...we know what you are going through...we are here my friend.

Buzz


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