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#159308 - 06/01/07 08:06 AM question - note - comment - the hardest lesson
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
what happens when you never learned to fit in?

i am waking up to a lot of the negative - things i was taught as

a child - that have had me - for the way - i absorbed them -

blinded to friends- or maybe shat it meant to exist in a group

not really given the permission to fight back

either - it was like an idealistic kitten -

i'm prety aggressive now - but just incredibly sad -

hurt - at a loss - and not really adapted to enjoying
the fit in process - so it might be in fact a joyless thing -

i've truly seen - the efforts of friends - try and try to reflect
say my style - or even - help me - psychologicaly heal -

sadly- i was also taught by dad - to trust only exacly what he said on the surface - nothing implied - no undermeanings -

and yet for my own paranoia - i couldn't beleive - whether these
offerings were meant to please or taunt - but i do know they were mean to help and were perfect for me - wonderful

it was a pretty messed up idea -

i wasn't in touch with a lot of my own aggression and the power i have over my own life - and the sense of self and center -

were really - touch and go

those stronger 'muscles' are clearly being developed now - and i see the valuable offerings - and flattering things people

were saying -

i just was highly confused -and in turmoil -

perhpas it's too late - but in any event - this at least is clear now - to me

that the group thing - what it means - and how it works on so many levels -

i just - am a bit deflated - i am going for a walk

i really do love my friends - but i think i feel kind of lost.

and really sad.




Edited by markgreyblue (06/01/07 08:09 AM)
_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#159315 - 06/01/07 08:45 AM Re: question - note - comment - the hardest lesson [Re: markgreyblue]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Mark,

Man, I can SOOO relate on this one. I feel so lost in group settings, like I am a square peg continuously trying to fit in a round hole. It just seems impossible at times, and I wonder why I keep trying.

_________________________
Eddie

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#159316 - 06/01/07 09:15 AM Re: question - note - comment - the hardest lesson [Re: EGL]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
i think also i have to just look at myself and say "i am just an anxiety ridden person -

and just
accept it - and not blame it on or let anyone else control it"

just sort of own it as part of me -

and not 'drown in it' like i have -

thanks very much for listening - caring - coaching

and pushing.

i am gonna be alright!

cause i've got love! i've got faith.....

and 'you've gotta have friends' \:\) !! sorry -
i suddenly heard that 60's song.. so i threw it in. :)LOL

but it's true -

MT




Edited by markgreyblue (06/01/07 09:19 AM)
_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#159317 - 06/01/07 09:18 AM Re: question - note - comment - the hardest lesson [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
thanks Eddie -

you are superifico!

you'll be fine -

ps- your painting brush strokes look so much like mine in paintings -

cosmic.

((((()))))

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#159329 - 06/01/07 10:23 AM Re: question - note - comment - the hardest lesson [Re: markgreyblue]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
I never thought I used to fit in....

But then I realized ....WHY SHOULD I???

What is normal?? I am me, and if people do not like that then that is there problem. I do not need the approval of other people and neither do you!

Be yourself. You don't need the approval of other people. You need the approval of yourself. Be what makes you happy!! You are you and that is Beautiful!!!

Your Friend,
Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#159349 - 06/01/07 01:09 PM Re: question - note - comment - the hardest lesson [Re: pain4ever]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
thanks! you guys are definitely beautiful as well ((())))

i think to add -

- the way i react to my emotions- is key too -

and

drama is not very helpful - but honesty is -

as it's better within - and keeps me knowing and going

and going...

lol \:\)





Edited by markgreyblue (06/01/07 01:11 PM)
_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#159355 - 06/01/07 01:45 PM Re: question - note - comment - the hardest lesson [Re: markgreyblue]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Yes drama is not helpful but very prevalent in the gay community. So try to keep the drama queens away and focus on accepting yourself. You are amazing!

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#159372 - 06/01/07 04:14 PM Re: question - note - comment - the hardest lesson [Re: pain4ever]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
thx

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#159777 - 06/04/07 08:14 AM Re: question - note - comment - the hardest lesson [Re: markgreyblue]
Patrick63 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 26
Loc: Knoxville, Tennessee
I am the exact opposite. I am happiest in groups of people. I am the guy that can "sieze the moment" and say just the right thing to make people laugh. I guess this is just an attempt at validation, but it does assuage some of the pain of being left out of so much when I was younger

_________________________
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandmother. Not screaming in terror like her passengers

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#159780 - 06/04/07 08:25 AM Re: question - note - comment - the hardest lesson [Re: Patrick63]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Patrick...

I feel you there, long ago when I was numbing this all away I was the "class clown". I was everyones best friend, could meld into alot of different "clicks". I could make everyone laugh but it was all an act. Everyone thought I was so happy but underneath I was degraded.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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