I am tired of acting like I am alright. My soul hurts. My mind hurts. My body cries in pain. Raped...........wow, I never actually used that word till I read it on a post here the last couple of days. I feel like I am on the edge of falling off. I am trying my best to act alright. I am job hunting. I go and every time it looks good ..not hired. Too much experience...not enough. I pray..feel alright for a while then bam! it's right back. I hug my wife or she holds me and I feel like everything is alright - then I go to the gym and in the shower wonder if anyone is going to come in and join me..and if they did would I stop them? I am not gay but these feelings ...probably because of the sexual assualt. I did not ask them to do what they did to me. Right now I feel like not even a man. Forty years old and I am still trying to figure out what I feel like. Again I am in a fog....aimlessly drifting...

Terry (redsongbird)

Terry,

Its a puzzle, the pieces will fit together over time, just let them come into focus and dont take any of them too serious, you got assaulted, you got traumatized, you will be ok, things will become clear to you, just hang tough and dont let it get to you,, i hope you have thought about some kind of therapy, a good therapist can really help you unwind it all and sort it out.

Drifting is ok, be kind to yourself, ok?

John

Thanks John I do apreciate the advice. Someone else also told me me the same thing as you yesterday....must be that I need to just do it. Thanks I really mean it.

Terry

OK Terry are you my twin or what?...I mean it is just that you seem to be experiencing alot of the same things that I am right now...Man my heart goes out to you because your situation realy sucks!...I have myself been thing of seeing a therapist but I am scared...It's like I already feel crazy but going to a therapist might be like admitting I am crazy...I totaly know that is rediculous but it just feels that way...I will keep ya in my prayers...Please be ok...ok?...Take care...Dave...GOD BLESS!...Oh yeah...I forgot to say...that feeling like you are in a fog thing...YEP!...right there with ya!

Dave - nice to know that there is someone else drifting in this fog. Well to behonest I am sorry that you are going through all this too. I appreciate the prayers. I will also pray for you. I hope you don't mind but I looked at your information page and it says that you are a social worker. I have been seriously thinking of changing in that direction. How do you like it? About going to counceling. I have always said that I was heathier than everyone else BECAUSE I went to therapy. I have been going to see someone since I came back to my homestate and town but it is not going well. He just doesn't seem to have what I need. And right now I hate the thought of looking again. I have tried to find a support group but they are all for women. Sometimes this fog just seems to get thicker.

Thanks for replying Dave. Hope you have a good day.

Terry

Hi, guys. I really feel for you both.

Redsongbird -- i empathize with all of your feelings, including the sexual confusion. P{lease know what they are all normal reactios to your abuse, and that you are definitely not alone. This is a good place to find loving support, so I hope you will continue to come back whever you need or want to.

Dave -- i felt the same way for years about seeing a therapist, and then just did it because i was in so much pain i did no know what else to do. That was about 17 years ago. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made and was critical to finally beginning to get on the road to recovery. In fact, I am still in therapy and still dealing with issues that are fall out from the abuse.

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! Just have been traumatized by abuse and just need help in healing. It is very sad and most unforttunate that our society has this stigma about seking help for mental illness. If you needed physical therapy or surgery or anything related to physical injury or illness, there would be no problem. Mental/emotional injury and illness are, in reality, no different. Please don't let dysfunctional societal messages or jusgements prevent you from taking care of yourself and your mental health!

I encourage you to push past the feelings of shame about seeing a therapist and do what you need to take good care of yourself.

Good luck, and please keep coming back!

LanceC

Hey Terry how have you bee?...Dave23...GOD BLESS!

Hello Dave. Doing much better than last weekend. Last Saturday and Sunday I ended up in the emgergency room....passing Kidneystones. ANd then they have the surprise to tell me that I also have gallstones. SO, now I am doing this Gallbladder flush procedure that is going to hopefully flush out the stones and help me avoid surgery. I do not want surgery. I would feel totally out of control with that and I just don't want to face that. SO I am following this flush to a tee. Next Monday I have to drink refined olive oil and other things but I am ready. Pluls I read many site online and it seems to really work.

Other than this I really am doing much better. Infact it is snowing and right now it just looks like a Christmas Card ouside so thats sort of neat.

How are you doing? How is your son?

Terry

Reds...

I can totally relate to what you are saying. I've been out of full-time steady work since 1997. I've interviewed more that I can even describe and the doors have always slammed shut for some reason. It's a tough struggle, but God used and is using that to build me into the man I never thought possible.

God has done so much during that hard time to teach me how to trust Him through it all. The farther along the path I get, the more I appreciate that God cared more about the final results than the sucky process I had to go through to get there.

Life sucks sometimes, but it's up to us to just trust Him and to keep getting up and praying and believing for a breakthough.

I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and found a great therapist. I called the Wounded Heart Ministries in Seattle and they have a vast list of GREAT counsellors. I found them to be a great SA survivor resource. I trusted them to refer me because I researched their theories first and it made sense to me. I haven't found a better resource on the subject as it relates to men. A friend gave me "The Wounded Heart" book by Dan Allender and that turned out to be so healing for me.

I interviewed my counsellor to make sure I believed the same basic stuff that he did and trusted God to do the rest.

God is Faithful to help us when we call. That's one thing that is branded into me because He has always met me where I was at. It was me that put too much pressure on myself to heal faster. It's a process and for some reason we need to live through it. When you get to the end, you get the keys that keep you free and to unlock others that are suffering through stuff. Turning good from evil.

I hope this makes sense to you and helps you. Just trust God and He will open doors. Some things we aren't supposed to understand. Right now, I have 7 part-time jobs that I am doing. They are all so different, and they all are there for a reason. I'd love to have just one job, but for some reason, I need to walk this path. It grew my faith level.

Faith is believing in what you can't see. We need faith to heal. It gives greater benefits with the more you endure and overcome. Because sooner or later, you will overcome if you keep pushing and don't accept defeat.

God Bless you bro. Praying for overflowing blessings to you. It's always the worst right before and right after the breakthrough. Be EXPECTANT for your breakthrough and let me know when it happens!!!

Rich

Hey Terry...sorry to hear about the gall stone problem...that SUCKS!!!...I am ok...my son is much better...thanks for asking...take care...I hope all goes well...Dave...GOD BLESS!