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#152140 - 04/21/07 08:34 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: roadrunner]
jodie Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 4
Loc: Australia
Thamkyou Larry,
I'm not posting just reading but it helps a lot. We ae in counselling now, I have to remember to be grateful for small steps forward. SometimesI want him to just got to counselling every week twice you know go all out and get it sorted. I then have to stop and remember he i doing the best he can.
It is difficult when you feel like your needs aren't being met, but I have to keep remembering this ain't about me. The reasons behind my husband not being able to connect with me intimately and affectionately have nothing to do with me personally. I guess at first thats where I went, whats wrong with me!!! Anyway thru reading and counselling I just hope we can move forward. I have hope from here. thanks


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#152145 - 04/21/07 08:56 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: jodie]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jodie,

Originally Posted By: jodie
It is difficult when you feel like your needs aren't being met, but I have to keep remembering this ain't about me. The reasons behind my husband not being able to connect with me intimately and affectionately have nothing to do with me personally. I guess at first thats where I went, whats wrong with me!!!


I just wish it were easier for the survivor himself to see what's going on and how it's affecting his partner. I myself didn't "get it" at all until I started reading and posting in F&F a lot. And a further part of the difficulty is that when the survivor tells his partner that the problem isn't her, he's opening the door to a lot of questions about what's wrong with HIM.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#152148 - 04/21/07 09:27 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: roadrunner]
jodie Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 4
Loc: Australia
Yes thats true, questions abou whats going on or him!!! I guess I wasn't aware of the long term affects of the abuse and how it was going to impact our marriage.
My husband told me about the abuse when we first stared dating, just over four years ago. For the first 10 month or so he used to drink and we didn't seem to have any problems intimately. Then I asked him to stop drinking or I'dhave to go as I wasn't handling the drinking.
Anyway as the story goes I guess the drink helped him to relax, but he always had these odd behaviours ( to me they were odd)and he always had excuses and justifications as to why he'd do them.( I know now he believed the justifications and can still believe some of them)
I was sarting to question it more and more and asked him to go to counselling an he wasn't into it. This was about 3 years ago. nyway finally I couldn't go on any longer in our marriage(1 year in March) my needs were not being met and I was becoming more and more unhappy, he was more and more angry and we were ighting and the stress was too much.
I said that we need counselling again and this time we had to stick at it. I found this website before we went and I found a bunch of information that had my husbands behaviours in it to a tee! So I printed it all off and gave it to him. That was the start of him opening the door.
See he felt he had dealt with it, forgiven the perp, let the secret out and all ws well. I struggled with that way of thinking with him for a long time before I cracked. I knew that all the behaviours were set up to keep him safe, but he didn't see it.
I borrowed Mike Lews Victims no longer from the library and hes started reading i now. I'm so grateful I came across this site. It really gave me the hope I needed in my darkest moment.
Cheers


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#153415 - 04/30/07 06:00 AM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: roadrunner]
kimmy11 Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
hi all
just to let u know he is back, i just couldnt give up on him,us, the relationship, what we have, he seems like a new guy he is going to aa and has chatted in here, i hope he continues i know it aint going to be easy or all a bed of roses but he seems different like he wants to make a change the loving, caring guy i married the great father to our kids, i love him so much that i really want to make it work, id told myself that was it id never have him back but he knows this time is the last time its time for change, to be a family to put the past behind him, to let whats gone on with us go,
heres to a new life just hope it works out
ty for all ur posts theyve given me lots of strength
ty again
kimmy xx

_________________________
just want to find the truth, the love and be able to help the one i love, but knowing that this will never be feel alone and sad that im not the one.

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#153465 - 04/30/07 11:21 AM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: kimmy11]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Kimmy,
Cool! I wish you all the best. Don't hesitate to keep posting. There's a long road ahead, and we do help each other make our way forward over the rough patches.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#153973 - 05/02/07 03:05 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: honey girl]
kimmy11 Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
ty honey girl its good to know im not on my own \:D
love
kimmy x

_________________________
just want to find the truth, the love and be able to help the one i love, but knowing that this will never be feel alone and sad that im not the one.

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#155648 - 05/11/07 01:53 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: kimmy11]
vintagefilmlover Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/14/05
Posts: 5
Loc: Virginia
I haven't read all the posts but my boyfriend and I have alot of sexual issues. we met online...he continued to stay in the online cybersex world. he kept it a secret for a year and then I put up with it for another year until I said either counseling or i would leave. he agreed to the counseling. he is VERY affectionate but we rarely have sex. he is skinny and wears alot of clothing. he does not know that I know he was abused. his sister told me 6 months into our relationship. alot of these problems are making me feel like he's not attracted to me. i'm also 6 years older than him. he comes from a devout catholic family so we do not live together. i just need some advice since this relationship has been so hard. but since i'm aware of what has happened to him i have not left. plus i love him like crazy.


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#159048 - 05/30/07 09:48 AM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: vintagefilmlover]
kimmy11 Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
sorry to hear what your going thru, there is an 8 yr gap between us and we are both catholics i dont know what advice to give u hunny apart from be there for him but dont also become a victim of what happened, u can only be there if he wants u too i learnt that he may be ashamed of hats happened to him and in my case although i know my husband was abused i dont know the ins and outs which i think in a way is better, if he doesnt know u know maybe its up to the sister that told u to tell him that u know it will come as a big shock i suspect at first to him that u do know, my husband told me a yr into our relationship after we was married infact for fear of losin me, he like ur partner had no self worth but i think now he is turning it round and realising he is worth alot to all the people close to him , so hang in there hunny im sure things will get better for both of you it just takes alot of time and ups and downs and alot of belief....
hope this helps

kimmy xx

_________________________
just want to find the truth, the love and be able to help the one i love, but knowing that this will never be feel alone and sad that im not the one.

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