I remember when I was about 22, and finally opened up to my girlfriend about the abuse. Before I could get the words out, I put this song on...

I wonder if you can see
I wonder if you can tell
I wonder if you see through the mask I wear so well
I'll never let you know what's going on inside me
My shame, locks me down

All the things I wanted to tell you
are all the things I never will
ever time you reached down to me
all I did was put you away
I can't unchain the thing that screams inside me
I hate it, its what I am

It makes me sick to be so mean
From what I've been and what I've seen
From top to bottom
I am obscene

you smile at me, I smile back
you ask me how I am
I tell you that I am fine
I don't know why I'm so torn up inside my mind
the darkness, it swallows me hole

It makes me sick to be so mean
From what I've been and what I've seen
From top to bottom
I am obscene
it stands in my place
it spits in my face
its shame shame
its shame

at least I don't lie
at least I don't lie
I look at myself and say "man you doing just fine, you're doing great"
I'm not liv'in in a lie
not liv'in in a lie

Or am I?

It makes me sick to be so mean
From what I've been and what I've seen
From top to bottom
I am obscene
it stands in my place
it spits in my face
its shaaaaaaaaaaame

Don' go too deep
don't ask me why
don't try to know me
don't make me lie

I wish I didn't know the things I know too well
I've tried to change, but its what I am

It makes me sick to be so mean
From what I've been and what I've seen
From top to bottom
I am obscene
it stands in my place
it spits in my face
its shame shame
its shame shame

Not livin' in a lie
am I?
I'm Not livin' in a lie
am I?
NO

henry rollins is awesome in both rollins band and black flag

What a song! Thanks for posting that - there's a lot to think about in there. But hang in there, bro, and in a year I will bring you back here and ask if you still see things this way.

Much love,
Larry