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#158880 - 05/29/07 10:26 AM Looking for people to hurt me????
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Okay very STUPID thing I find myself doing and wondering if I am alone. I get into relationships with people who are NOT good for me. Over and over I have done this. When it is someone who is good for me it is almost like I am uninterested in them! I run from them...push them away, hurt them. Okay NOT Normal!!!

After alot of thinking I kinda figured it out. These people who are not good for me, I know HOW they are going to hurt me...not when but how. So one less unknown ya know. If its a player I end up with, I know he will cheat but hey at least I know how it will end. If its a vain self-centered asshole I end up with I know he will be self-centered and not care about me, so I know thats how I will get hurt.

But now I find myself in a relationship where I am with a good partner and I get disinterested at times, get distant. Honestly it because I am afraid he is going to hurt me but because I can't figure out how, I keep pushing him away. I find myself doing stupid stuff like thinking about the sexually acting out shit which I am long over!!! Why would I do that, I havent in so long and have no need to! Its almost like I am trying to find ways to get rid of him. I HATE THIS!!

Why the hell does this happen??? Am I just Wierd????

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#158886 - 05/29/07 11:03 AM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: pain4ever]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home

You have answered yourself so well...You fear that if you get close that you'll get hurt.

It is a childhood shadow belief you have yet to unlearn, also with screwed up people you feel safe, because there is no chance of becoming emotional vulnerable with them, though a loving person would scare you, as you'd not be able to resist opening up and becoming vulnerable as that is what allowing love in is.

Also check whether you have other shadow belief around emotional safety, do you believe that if I opened up I will get hurt?

Or do you believe that I ALWAYS attract screwed up people, or people who hurt me, then this belief itself will attract such people and situations, as we experience not what we want to experience but what we believe we would, or what we fear to experience.

Once you realize that you deserve better, you will just raise your bar, and step out of your comfort zone with unworthy people, unworthy of your love and attention.

Once you start believing that, I am worthy of being with loving, caring and respectful people", you will start attract them.

So now that you know it, accept it and check your self each time shadow belief tries to run your life.

You know better.

Morning Star

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#158887 - 05/29/07 11:11 AM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: Morning Star]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11112
Loc: Denver, CO
P4E,

You aren't weird. It strikes me as a combination of distrust, shame and a style of relating. I remember at 19 or 20 I would choose jerks for friends. I never felt I deserved better friends than that. It was always this self-fulfilling prophecy that I would only choose people who treat me crummy because that's what I felt I deserved - crummy treatment. It was wrapped in feeling I was worth little or nothing. As you go through healing, you may find yourself realizing you deserve better, and tell the people who treat you lousy to (more or less) F* off. The shame can also make one back away from people who would treat us better. Distrust in people who treat us good can make one back away from good people since they come across as wanting something from us that will hurt. Too, having been taught a broken style of relating, healthy relationship coming along seems unreal, and untrustable. Accepting it is a hard thing.

Accepting it is also one of the best things for us, even if we feel unworthy of that.



Edited by FormerTexan (05/29/07 11:14 AM)
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#158893 - 05/29/07 12:24 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: FormerTexan]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
I can trust him but why can't I shake the underlying fear??? I can't open up all the way and when I do I feel like all I have done is left myself open to be hurt again. I go through these waves of being open and then pulling away because I am scared of being hurt. How do you stop that though????

Do I beleive I always attract screwed up people or people who will hurt me...well ya. I sware to god I had "Abuse me" stamped on my forehead as a kid. Now I am the problem, I am causing the problem not other people, I have the power to change it but its hard to and I don't know why. I know when people are bad but I fall for the bad ones so easy and the good ones I dont fall for!!

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#158896 - 05/29/07 12:53 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: pain4ever]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home

The Why is simple to answer, you got hurt when you opened up as a child. So that fear is still there, and now all you need to do is that each time your inner child starts acting up, you need to address it then and there and ask it to relax.

Gradually as it learns to relax in the presence of love, it will let go of fear...

The 'abuse me stamp' is actually the vibration of fear, which bullies and abusers catch on so easily.

As you start letting go of your fears, and learn to relax your intuition will get sharper and it will guide to better relationships, by making you really uncomfortable around people who are not right for you.

Morning Star

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#158897 - 05/29/07 12:54 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: pain4ever]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11112
Loc: Denver, CO
P4E,

"I go through these waves of being open and then pulling away because I am scared of being hurt. How do you stop that though????"

I'm still in part like that myself. I go full bore into relationship, and then sometimes pick up signals that I interpret as me being too pushy and then I back off. I fear hurting others as much as I fear being hurt. So I don't have a clear answer when learning about relationship is a constant curve. However, I will say something that applies to all of us in this regard: it took relationship to break us, it takes relationship to fix us. It's is an emphasis on how we need relationship to heal and move forward.

Another aspect of relationship is we don't have to open up all the way. We open up some to see how things go, then we open up some more, and so on. If the relationship feels iffy or apprehensive, then we back off to make it safe. I know for myself, in the past I've opened up so much that I felt like I violated myself emotionally. Abuse destroys boundaries to a point where one has to learn all over again what is a safe approach or pullback point in relationship.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#158899 - 05/29/07 12:57 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: FormerTexan]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Every bad relationship feels like being violated again...its a horrible cycle that I am trying to stop and the only way I know to stop it is to stop opening up. Then I dont get hurt.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#158900 - 05/29/07 01:00 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: FormerTexan]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brian,

I think this has a lot to do with our issues of self-esteem, as has already been said above. You may have in mind that you don't deserve good decent people around you, so when they show up they become a source of confusion and you push them away. You may also be thinking that if they stick around they will discover what a loser you (think) you are, so before that happens you undermine the relationship. This was one I know I did when I was a teenager and thereafter. You may also have in mind that what happened was all your fault, so you deserve punishment and are looking for hurtful people who will fulfill that need. Decent positive people just won't do.

On the other hand, remember that as boys abuse taught us that the world is full of danger; no situation is really harmless and no person is really as safe as he or she may seem to be. Disaster can come from any direction at any time. A man who has grown up with such feelings will often see a positive relationship or other development in his live as a catastrophe in the making, so he will torpedo it, preferring to have his disaster now rather than be built up for a harder fall later on.

All this gets really complicated, Brian, and that's a big reason why we really should be working with a T. But there are things you can do yourself, and in my book the most important is to talk about things. Keep talking, here and with safe people in your local area. So often I have found that talking is itself enough for me to break loose and turn off those old destructive tapes.

The problem is they keep turning themselves back on! And sometimes they play in very subtle ways that we don't recognize. So again, working with a T is the best way forward.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#158901 - 05/29/07 01:03 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: roadrunner]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Yeah I have got to get back into Therapy but I am moving so now starts a long road of finding a new therapist and building trust. God thats the hard part.

World is full of danger....wow...never a truer statement. I used to feel that way and I think I have come a long way and I dont think like that anymore. I think I deserve someone good but I always push them away. I guess I go for the bad boys.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#158902 - 05/29/07 01:09 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: pain4ever]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11112
Loc: Denver, CO
It really depends on the people you are opening up to. I find people who open up to me encourage me to do likewise for them, so there is a mutual vulnerability present. It may depend on the environment too. One doesn't just open up to anybody and expect that person to handle things the right way. One man at my job has opened up to me some about some personal issues in his life, and I finally realized I had not reciprocated (and I'm not obliged to, but it may help him trust me more if I can help him in some future way), so I opened up just a little to him about things and he seemed supportive.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#158903 - 05/29/07 01:11 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: pain4ever]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home

"I go for bad boys..."now that rings a bell to me...the question to ask is why?

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#158904 - 05/29/07 01:13 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: FormerTexan]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
It seems with friends...well...I have learned to live without. I make a great friend...I can listen but when the reverse comes around they all are gone...either that or I help then they never help me when it is needed.

I have found a friend at work and we have opened up about some stuff up at work but where my problem lies is in the more intimate relationships. Seriously I push the good ones away and I really dont want to!

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#158906 - 05/29/07 01:27 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: pain4ever]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home

Intuition is the way we can bypass our old behaviour patterns and replace them with healthy ones.

Relax and listen to your self.

Morning Star

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#158912 - 05/29/07 01:51 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: Morning Star]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11112
Loc: Denver, CO
"I have learned to live without. I make a great friend...I can listen but when the reverse comes around they all are gone...either that or I help then they never help me when it is needed."

Very few people can live without friends. The loneliness is too unfair, and the lack of validation [that relationship gives us] is painful. If I were you, I too would feel put off by the lack of reciprocation on their part. No one owes anyone reciprocation in the relationship, but it would be unrealistic to expect that relationship to continue, just in my thinking. Don't get me wrong though, there are times when love for another human being can reach beyond the lack of reciprocation. When others in life have filled our cup generously, we can fill the cup of another who may or may not reciprocate, and be alright with that. If they don't that for us, they may do it for others down the road.

I'll stop running on now.



Edited by FormerTexan (05/29/07 01:54 PM)
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#158913 - 05/29/07 01:53 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: FormerTexan]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
No its great to hear because I have been to that point where I loved someone to the point where reciprocation wasnt neccessary but it collapsed....couldnt handle it. Its a hurtful place to be...I am sorry FT.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#158915 - 05/29/07 01:56 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: pain4ever]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11112
Loc: Denver, CO
"I am sorry FT"

No need to be, my friend. I just worry that I get too preachy. \:\)

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#158917 - 05/29/07 02:01 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: FormerTexan]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Never too preachy...just helpful! And you can never be too helpful.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#158922 - 05/29/07 02:24 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: Morning Star]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Originally Posted By: Morning Star

"I go for bad boys..."now that rings a bell to me...the question to ask is why?



That is a good question and I still dont know the answer.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#158937 - 05/29/07 03:55 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: pain4ever]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
I don't know the answer for sure, but I'll venture a few guesses. Take what fits and leave the rest.

1. Because they are "bad," they are more exciting.
2. You may still have big self-worth issues that tell you that you don't deserve to be treated well.
3. It's familiar: Being hurt is familiar territory for you. Familiar is always easier than healthy. (If it weren't, I wouldn't be 125 lbs overweight, lol!)
4. It's predictable. You have a world-view that says, "People are untrustworthy; if they pretend not to be, they are even more dangerous." If you get in with a "bad boy," he will hurt you, and you will get what you expected to get -- not necessarily what you really wanted, but what you expected.
5. Perhaps you may have some "gay-shame" issues. If you started out thinking you were straight and living as though you were straight (correct me if I'm wrong), there may be some unresolved shame issues arising since identifying yourself as gay that lead you into destructive relationships with men.

I don't know whether these will even make sense for you, but you might try them on for size.

Joe



Edited by Chain Breaker (05/29/07 09:15 PM)
_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#158945 - 05/29/07 04:26 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: pain4ever]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
You get what you expect in life because you project yourself as injured and in need.
Some will be good to know in life, others, will take what they can get.

Toss out anyone who hurts, and find some decent friends, thats what I do, kick butt on anyone who takes advantage.
Not easy, but never impossible,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#159028 - 05/30/07 08:12 AM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: Chain Breaker]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Joe,

You know you have great insight! Never looked at it like that.

1. Very true...exciting but that gets old fast.
2. Working on that and having a true partner helps immensly.
3. Right on!! Bad boys all end up in the same familiar end.
4. Predictability...looking for it in the wrong place! But thats true, so much is unexpected and screwed up so why not have one thing that is predictible.
5. Used to! Seriously up until a few months ago I had huge gay issues. Being raised in a family that alltogether had founded 11 churches, umm...yeah I was ashamed, hence why I got married. I was terrified of being gay. I thought it was wrong and I thought I could ignore it and it would go away...no what hapenned is I nearly completely lost it mentally from pretending. My attitude now??? Screw you if you don't like it, how does it affect YOU who I sleep with at night?!?!? (Not you personally but you know what I mean) And if I hear another person say it is a choice I will lose it!

Plus since I have only been out for a couple years I think I had to get it out of my system, be a bad boy, be with bad boys.

Its really like starting all over with life!

Okay so now...over with the bad boy phase....time to grow up.


Also...yeah I finally have enough self-esteem to say...if you treat me badly then get out. I dont need a man, I have a great job, good car, good house, make good money....I can seriously live without sex...so why would I "need" a partner...I don't. (I wanted one) It was my mother who finally said, why are you settling??? And I realized I was worth more! I shouldnt settle. Thats how I ended up with my current partner....one hell of a great guy. I wasn't even looking.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#159039 - 05/30/07 09:07 AM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: pain4ever]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brian,

Originally Posted By: pain4ever
JIt was my mother who finally said, why are you settling??? And I realized I was worth more! I shouldnt settle. Thats how I ended up with my current partner....one hell of a great guy. I wasn't even looking.


I think that happens a lot. There is, after all, such a thing as trying too hard. Once we lighten up and relax and just be ourselves, we are much more likely to connect with the type of people we really need and want to have in our lives.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#159058 - 05/30/07 10:39 AM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: roadrunner]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
This is a great milestone for you, Brian! Your decision to swear off the "bad boys" will help you stay in a healthy relationship. A healthy intimate relationship is a wonderful thing! My wife and I used to be at odds all the time, but we've both grown up enough over the last two years that we truly love each other. These have been tough years, but they have been the best two years of my life.

I hope that you and your partner will find the same kind of happiness as you grow together. It sounds like he's having a good influence on you. From what I've seen, I think most gay people grow up in homes where homosexuality is seen as bad, and so they're unable to express their sexuality for many years. I believe people who find themselves in this situation often go through a rebellious, even self-destructive period of experimentation, dangerous relationships and one-night stands once they come out. Some people stay there, and some people come to see how they're hurting themselves and make a change. I'm glad you're one of the latter group.

Take care,
Joe

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#159079 - 05/30/07 12:47 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: Chain Breaker]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Joe,

I have to agree with you on the destructive period. I went through some really rough times sexually but that was short lived. I knew it wasn't me. I was the marrying type but was married to the wrong sex. It was my ex-boyfriend who kind of drove me into the "bad boy" era, where I was one. It didnt last long.

I had a heart to heart with my partner last night. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, he makes me feel whole, he is caring, loving and the most understanding individual in the world. I told him something I have felt for a long time but have not told him....

He is God's way of repaying me for the abuse I endured as a kid.

I truely beleive that....He bawled and I bawled right along with him. I never want to lose him. I have opened up so far with him that if he hurts me i don't know if I will ever recover but I have faith in him. He is the best man I have ever met and I strive to be more like him.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#159086 - 05/30/07 01:19 PM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: pain4ever]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
What a triumph for you! And a blessing. I believe you may be right about God repaying you for the abuse you suffered. I'm so glad to hear that you are developing a really strong relationship now, and with a healthy partner.

As for the part about him hurting you, I think that's inevitable in any close relationship. I think you need to plan for that type of event. I'm not talking about a major betrayal here, either, but just the ordinary hurting people do to each other with a thoughtless word or a spat of anger. Part of what makes a marriage fulfilling is the tension between two people. It's because you work through the tension together and both feel stronger afterward. You are stronger as individuals, and as a pair. My wife and I hurt each other emotionally fairly often. It's just that the kind interactions are about five times more frequent than the hurtful ones. There's also nothing like reconciliation to give you faith in human beings again, IMHO. Love is as loud as hate, kindness as intense as meanness, and good cheer as powerful as anger. Keeping about that 5:1 ratio on the positive side is what keeps it working.

It sounds like a lot of good things are on the horizon for you.

Joe

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#159326 - 06/01/07 10:11 AM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: Chain Breaker]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Joe,

You have a great outlook on relationships, amazingly grounded. I think I romantisize too much and am too sensitive. I need to toughen up without closing off.

Thank you so much!

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#159463 - 06/02/07 11:38 AM Re: Looking for people to hurt me???? [Re: FormerTexan]
buzz_key Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
Brian,

Very good advice coming from everyone's responses. I too spent my whole life doing the same thing. The reasons and remedies are complicated like Larry said.

You mentioned something a while back about starting to think about sexually acting out, but you stopped actually doing that a long time ago. In my case, in talking with my T, I think about my acting out when I am trying to cope with stress. There is/are triggers we each have about different things that we rely on coping mechanisms to help us through.

We all have different triggers - mine happens to be when I am alone. I HATE being alone...always have since I can remember, I believe it is because I was abandoned when I was 6.
When I am alone, I am stressed and I act out to comfort myself - I have actually just begun understanding this in my therapy sessions.

Once we understand at least a portion of our coping - we can begin to make choices.

Anyway...back to you and the people you are attracted to and that you attract.

I really beleive that our self image and worth impacts us as to how we present ourselves and live our lives --- some of the things that people evaluate when determining if they are attracted to you or not are then displayed as a result.
With that being said...we know for a fact that our abuse has had an impact on our self images and worth...
next question is how?

That brings all of this back to the point made a couple of times before...therapy is critical to unraveling, understanding and changing.

Keep writing Brian...we know what you are going through...we are here my friend.

Buzz


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