Okay very STUPID thing I find myself doing and wondering if I am alone. I get into relationships with people who are NOT good for me. Over and over I have done this. When it is someone who is good for me it is almost like I am uninterested in them! I run from them...push them away, hurt them. Okay NOT Normal!!!

After alot of thinking I kinda figured it out. These people who are not good for me, I know HOW they are going to hurt me...not when but how. So one less unknown ya know. If its a player I end up with, I know he will cheat but hey at least I know how it will end. If its a vain self-centered asshole I end up with I know he will be self-centered and not care about me, so I know thats how I will get hurt.

But now I find myself in a relationship where I am with a good partner and I get disinterested at times, get distant. Honestly it because I am afraid he is going to hurt me but because I can't figure out how, I keep pushing him away. I find myself doing stupid stuff like thinking about the sexually acting out shit which I am long over!!! Why would I do that, I havent in so long and have no need to! Its almost like I am trying to find ways to get rid of him. I HATE THIS!!

Why the hell does this happen??? Am I just Wierd????

You have answered yourself so well...You fear that if you get close that you'll get hurt.

It is a childhood shadow belief you have yet to unlearn, also with screwed up people you feel safe, because there is no chance of becoming emotional vulnerable with them, though a loving person would scare you, as you'd not be able to resist opening up and becoming vulnerable as that is what allowing love in is.

Also check whether you have other shadow belief around emotional safety, do you believe that if I opened up I will get hurt?

Or do you believe that I ALWAYS attract screwed up people, or people who hurt me, then this belief itself will attract such people and situations, as we experience not what we want to experience but what we believe we would, or what we fear to experience.

Once you realize that you deserve better, you will just raise your bar, and step out of your comfort zone with unworthy people, unworthy of your love and attention.

Once you start believing that,” I am worthy of being with loving, caring and respectful people", you will start attract them.

So now that you know it, accept it and check your self each time shadow belief tries to run your life.

You know better.

Morning Star

P4E,

You aren't weird. It strikes me as a combination of distrust, shame and a style of relating. I remember at 19 or 20 I would choose jerks for friends. I never felt I deserved better friends than that. It was always this self-fulfilling prophecy that I would only choose people who treat me crummy because that's what I felt I deserved - crummy treatment. It was wrapped in feeling I was worth little or nothing. As you go through healing, you may find yourself realizing you deserve better, and tell the people who treat you lousy to (more or less) F* off. The shame can also make one back away from people who would treat us better. Distrust in people who treat us good can make one back away from good people since they come across as wanting something from us that will hurt. Too, having been taught a broken style of relating, healthy relationship coming along seems unreal, and untrustable. Accepting it is a hard thing.

Accepting it is also one of the best things for us, even if we feel unworthy of that.

I can trust him but why can't I shake the underlying fear??? I can't open up all the way and when I do I feel like all I have done is left myself open to be hurt again. I go through these waves of being open and then pulling away because I am scared of being hurt. How do you stop that though????

Do I beleive I always attract screwed up people or people who will hurt me...well ya. I sware to god I had "Abuse me" stamped on my forehead as a kid. Now I am the problem, I am causing the problem not other people, I have the power to change it but its hard to and I don't know why. I know when people are bad but I fall for the bad ones so easy and the good ones I dont fall for!!

The Why is simple to answer, you got hurt when you opened up as a child. So that fear is still there, and now all you need to do is that each time your inner child starts acting up, you need to address it then and there and ask it to relax.

Gradually as it learns to relax in the presence of love, it will let go of fear...

The 'abuse me stamp' is actually the vibration of fear, which bullies and abusers catch on so easily.

As you start letting go of your fears, and learn to relax your intuition will get sharper and it will guide to better relationships, by making you really uncomfortable around people who are not right for you.

Morning Star

P4E,

"I go through these waves of being open and then pulling away because I am scared of being hurt. How do you stop that though????"

I'm still in part like that myself. I go full bore into relationship, and then sometimes pick up signals that I interpret as me being too pushy and then I back off. I fear hurting others as much as I fear being hurt. So I don't have a clear answer when learning about relationship is a constant curve. However, I will say something that applies to all of us in this regard: it took relationship to break us, it takes relationship to fix us. It's is an emphasis on how we need relationship to heal and move forward.

Another aspect of relationship is we don't have to open up all the way. We open up some to see how things go, then we open up some more, and so on. If the relationship feels iffy or apprehensive, then we back off to make it safe. I know for myself, in the past I've opened up so much that I felt like I violated myself emotionally. Abuse destroys boundaries to a point where one has to learn all over again what is a safe approach or pullback point in relationship.

Every bad relationship feels like being violated again...its a horrible cycle that I am trying to stop and the only way I know to stop it is to stop opening up. Then I dont get hurt.

Brian,

I think this has a lot to do with our issues of self-esteem, as has already been said above. You may have in mind that you don't deserve good decent people around you, so when they show up they become a source of confusion and you push them away. You may also be thinking that if they stick around they will discover what a loser you (think) you are, so before that happens you undermine the relationship. This was one I know I did when I was a teenager and thereafter. You may also have in mind that what happened was all your fault, so you deserve punishment and are looking for hurtful people who will fulfill that need. Decent positive people just won't do.

On the other hand, remember that as boys abuse taught us that the world is full of danger; no situation is really harmless and no person is really as safe as he or she may seem to be. Disaster can come from any direction at any time. A man who has grown up with such feelings will often see a positive relationship or other development in his live as a catastrophe in the making, so he will torpedo it, preferring to have his disaster now rather than be built up for a harder fall later on.

All this gets really complicated, Brian, and that's a big reason why we really should be working with a T. But there are things you can do yourself, and in my book the most important is to talk about things. Keep talking, here and with safe people in your local area. So often I have found that talking is itself enough for me to break loose and turn off those old destructive tapes.

The problem is they keep turning themselves back on! And sometimes they play in very subtle ways that we don't recognize. So again, working with a T is the best way forward.

Much love,
Larry

Yeah I have got to get back into Therapy but I am moving so now starts a long road of finding a new therapist and building trust. God thats the hard part.

World is full of danger....wow...never a truer statement. I used to feel that way and I think I have come a long way and I dont think like that anymore. I think I deserve someone good but I always push them away. I guess I go for the bad boys.

It really depends on the people you are opening up to. I find people who open up to me encourage me to do likewise for them, so there is a mutual vulnerability present. It may depend on the environment too. One doesn't just open up to anybody and expect that person to handle things the right way. One man at my job has opened up to me some about some personal issues in his life, and I finally realized I had not reciprocated (and I'm not obliged to, but it may help him trust me more if I can help him in some future way), so I opened up just a little to him about things and he seemed supportive.