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#158600 - 05/28/07 04:12 AM Update...Rant
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Well, I have left B' again. God give me strength to stick by my decision this time! Truthfully, I have a feeling my strength won't matter anyway, as my guess is that it's over for him anyway...a good thing FOR ME in the long run, but still painful and anxiety-provoking.

Originally, we had had big plans for today, as it is his (46th) birthday. I am the one who made the concrete move to leave him (again), yet here I sit feeling like I'm the one who has been abandoned. And the truth is, I have been. He abandoned me a long time ago, if he was ever really "here" in the first place. Still, I am sitting here like some kind of naive, young adolescent girl, wishing that despite what I'm sure is true, he is really pining away all alone at home, overcome with feelings of loss, remorse, and desperate to find a way to make things right with me, for once and for all.

No doubt, by his not calling, emailing, coming by, etc, since we gave each other our things back today (with absolutely no discussion of what has happened), he is, in fact, doing right for me and what is best, whether that's his conscious intention or not.

Jesus, how fu*ked up can I be? I left him after he sat here on Tuesday night, telling me, in ever so "honest" and 'reasoning' a tone of voice, that I've "let [myself] go." It's not the first time he's said that (verbatim) either. Funny, I've been in a physio rehab program for the past several weeks due to an arm/shoulder injury. They have run--not one, but two--comprehensive fitness tests on me since I've been there and assess my level of fitness as "Elite" (excellent). Apparently I also have a much greater range of motion and am much more flexible than most people, even those many years younger than myself. They say I am slim, trim and in excellent shape, with very good tone, etc. I am, BTW, 5'6" and 124 lbs.

But in the world according to Brant, I "have let [myself] go." It's ridiculous...patently absurd...outrageous and laughable, were it not for the fact that I, despite all reason, feel terribly, terribly wounded by his words and apparent perceptions of me.

Even his own friends (nevermind mine) shake their heads in utter disbelief at him. All-the-same I feel hurt, betrayed, denied, maligned, miscast...angry, bitter, muzzled, vengeful...confused, shocked (even though I've heard all this before from him), appalled, confused, stupified...abandoned, rejected, and deep down inside, quite pathologically, "not good enough." Scared. Alone. Sickened. Disgusted. Embarrassed (for my complicity in having stayed with him for all these years, despite how fu*ked up and unwilling to 'get real' he is and has been). Devalued. Demeaned. And humiliatingly destabilized...reduced to feeling right now like I am, perhaps, nothing to him at all, save for a convenient sucker who has repeatedly permitted him to manipulate, take advantage of and use her, without any serious intention of ever reciprocating.

B' said a lot of things like that on Tuesday night. I'm not exciting and attractive enough for him, not witty enough, not "as young looking" as I used to be (I regularly get told that I don't look a day over 30 and I'm 45), not fun enough, not young enough, don't have a tight enough belly, talk about my kids too much, am almost his age (we're less than a year apart in age) and he's only ever been attracted to/dated women at least 5 years younger than he is. On and on and on in pretty much the same vein, though ever so calmly and "honestly."

Then he wanted to know, suddenly all perky, warm and happy, as if everything was just great between us, if he could buy me a drink downtown. I declined. He went out and partied the rest of the night away at the local nightclub.

The next day he left for a 4 day road trip with his band, and emailed me once a day with feeble attempts to minimize the effect of his words and actions, acting almost as if Tuesday night was little more than a hurtful but not-that-big-a-deal drunken faux pas on his part and how was I anyway?

I finally replied to his most recent email yesterday, quietly telling him that I wanted the keys to my apartment back, etc. He came by today with my keys, picked up his things, tried to give me a hug (no response from me) and left, tacitly acting as if we're still the best of friends and everything's gonna be just fine (read, that he doesn't really believe he's lost my friendship, and that I'll come around eventually [as that bestest pal he likes me to be]).

I know I can do and deserve worlds better. That's all very well and good, but right now I'm still upset. Really upset. I don't care how ridiculous he and his alleged perceptions of me are, they still humiliate and hurt, and I still feel quite a bit of loss here. At least it doesn't hurt quite as deeply as it used to...in many ways it gets easier each time I leave. Right now, I am trying to pat myself on the back for: (1) Working on my sister's Affidavit (divorce related) today, despite my self-absorbed, obsessive state at present; and (2) for not calling him or sending any of the numerous emails I've drafted to him over the past 24 hours in particular.

What doesn't get easier is the humiliation, shame, and "patsy" feeling I have about myself for having given him yet another chance; or, probably more aptly put, for having further invested in my own pathetic fantasies that he has ever truly loved me or is even capable of loving me, and was worth hanging in there for.

My thoughts are all over the place right now. Ditto for my emotions, my ability to maintain a clear, reality-based perspective, etc. My guess is that he's out partying somewhere as I write this, celebrating himself on his birthday, quite likely even with some new sucker that he's all hot for at the moment and charming the shit out of. Perhaps that sweet, slim, kinda pretty, single, guitar playing woman who lives right next door to him and has had quite a crush on him ever since she moved into the neighbourhood last year. Even if that's true, why do I care???

Actually, I know why this affects me the way it does. Why it's always been so hard for me to walk away from him. The man is a clinically diagnosable narcissist, a sex addict, an alcoholic and a drug abuser. So was/is my father. Enough said.

Silly, isn't it? Here I am, 45 years old, loving, compassionate, smart, talented, resourceful, independent and self-sufficient, accomplished, educated, attractive, respected, sensuous, authentic. candid, sexy, responsible, loyal, thoughtful, dependable and, save for my smoking/smoking related health issues, a pretty desirable woman overall, all messed up over a 46 year old felon and clinically diagnosable narcissist with addictions to porn, alcohol, drugs and a myriad of other psychological, emotional, sexual, developmental, financial, etc problems...a man who has absolutely nothing to show for himself and who's incapable of truly loving anybody--even his own daughter, IMO. He doesn't even own a bed for Pete's sake (sleeps on a futon loaned to him). His mother paid for his vehicle (which is now barely running and so thoroughly rusted out you can see the road through the floorboards, seats, wheelwells, etc). He still can't afford his own place and has never had one, save once for 7 months a few years ago (his mother helped him out with that too).

I can't believe I'm admitting to all of this (again) here. As it is, I don't know how I could have survived all these years without all of you here and this site.

Sorry for the rant. I hate being in this space (yet again), and feel small that I'm bothered about any of this (stuff WRT Brant), nevermind blathering on about it here once more. Never was much good at just making a clean break and walking away with nary a look back. Shit. Here again....It's no news to me that there's something still pretty messed up in me that I could still be so messed up over a guy like him. Can't afford my shrink right now though...

God bless you all,

Stride











Edited by stride (05/28/07 02:21 PM)
_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

Top
#158632 - 05/28/07 09:33 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: stride]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Stride,

It's never easy to hear hurtful and belittling comments from someone you have shared your life with and thought you could trust. I'm really sorry to see you going through all this. You deserved a lot better.

But at the same time it seems you made the decision that's right for you. You do have to look out for yourself in this situation, and all you did was note the reality before your eyes and act accordingly.

You comment as follows:

Originally Posted By: stride
Here I am, 45 years old, loving, compassionate, smart, talented, resourceful, independent and self-sufficient, accomplished, educated, attractive, respected, sensuous, authentic. candid, sexy, responsible, loyal, thoughtful, dependable and, save for my smoking/smoking related health issues, a pretty desirable woman overall, all messed up over a 46 year old felon and clinically diagnosable narcissist with addictions to porn, alcohol, drugs and a myriad of other psychological, emotional, sexual, developmental, financial, etc problems...a man who has absolutely nothing to show for himself and who's incapable of truly loving anybody--even his own daughter, IMO. He doesn't even own a bed for Pete's sake (sleeps on a futon loaned to him). His mother paid for his vehicle (which is now barely running and so thoroughly rusted out you can see the road through the floorboards, seats, wheelwells, etc). He still can't afford his own place and has never had one, save once for 7 months a few years ago (his mother helped him out with that too).


Okay, but why not just concentrate on this part:

Originally Posted By: stride
Here I am, 45 years old, loving, compassionate, smart, talented, resourceful, independent and self-sufficient, accomplished, educated, attractive, respected, sensuous, authentic. candid, sexy, responsible, loyal, thoughtful, dependable and, save for my smoking/smoking related health issues, a pretty desirable woman overall.


This is the part that will get you through. \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#158676 - 05/28/07 12:50 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: roadrunner]
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
stride, I have to make this brief so I will just say that my favorite line of your post is what you are going to do today instead of stress out and be consumed by his comments. What else are you going to do?

two things that help me when I am unable to focus on anything but something that hurts me and over which I have no control are:

1. go to the office supply store and look at all the colors of paper and ink

2. try to find and eliminate some behavior that is feeding my melancholy-- not a big one, just something to free me a bit. Before I got my current job and had been looking w/ no success for a while, I realized that I'd gotten into a habit of watching this one tv show during the day. I would do it to "de-stress" from job hunting and writing cover letters, but it was taking time from my day that I regretted later. When I made it a point to break that little routine and use that hour to call a friend or ride my bike it really helped.

hugs, SAR


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#158677 - 05/28/07 12:52 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: roadrunner]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Stride,

I really feel for you, because it is clear to see how you were being used, manipulated, and emotionally abused by Brant. What really struck me about the things he said to you were how he was saying things that were impossible for you to change - i.e., your age, or your body which is already perfect by your de>
_________________________
Eddie

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#158695 - 05/28/07 03:00 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: EGL]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Thank you everyone. Good counsel all around, I know, and shall do my best to heed it.

Eddie, I didn't mean to imply that I think of myself or my body as perfect, as that's certainly not the case. Mostly I was just trying to acknowledge and remind myself, in black and white, of my many good qualities...that I AM "good enough." I was/am trying to give myself a reality check in the face of what he would have me believe to the contrary. That he no doubt projects such things onto me because of his own profound sense of inadequacy is of little comfort at the moment. Six years of continuing to allow myself to be subjected to such accusations and behaviour from him has taken its toll on my self-esteem.

Still it seems obvious that my self-esteem wasn't as healthy as I might have thought when we first got together either. If it had been I would've jumped ship without a second thought years ago. Hell, I probably wouldn't have been attracted to him in the first place. What's really scary is that given my own now undeniably still unresolved childhood issues, I fear that I likely remain vulnerable to falling for guys like him. After years of counselling, workshops and retreats, self-help books, psych courses, and so forth, it's pretty discouraging.

SAR, your suggestion is a good one. There are other things I can be doing instead of sitting here in victim mode. Besides, it's a sunny day here today, so I'm going to go out this afternoon and perhaps take a walk along the seaside. It'll do me good.

Hugs to all,

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

Top
#158706 - 05/28/07 04:27 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: stride]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Dear Stride,


I am so sorry to hear Brant said those hurtful things to you. I am not surprised you are so angry and hurting right now.


You've been through a lot with this man. And i can see from previous posts of yours, that you really gave a great deal of yourself to the relationship. Kindness, consideration, patience, thought, energy. That takes a lot and is a sign of a good soul. It is also exhausting and upsetting and, as you said, demeaning. I commend you, for how well you've done to come through it with enough awareness in tact to still know your true value.



It sounds like it could be a positive thing, to realise you have a few more unresolved childhood issues.....also, i see no reason why a woman wouldn't need a dose of counceling just anyway, after having a relationship with a person with so many intimacy problems. You're an intelligent person, who has realised that there is too much negative/too little positive, for them to stay with their partner.


In your centre(at least in these posts), you sound strong.


Lastly i'd like to say it's ok to be REALLY ANGRY, sad, whatever you're feeling. And if you have the insentive to take walks on the beach, well done. Doing things for yourself which make you feel, calm, peaceful, alive, happy........



peace
Beccy





Edited by beccy (05/28/07 04:36 PM)

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#158719 - 05/28/07 05:22 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: beccy]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Thank you, Beccy! :-D

Just got in from my walk. Going back out to lay in the sun with a good book for a while...

Love y'all,

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

Top
#158730 - 05/28/07 06:52 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: stride]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Hey, Stride--
Sorry to hear that it's so painful, but glad to hear that you can quite readily list all those great qualities about yourself. Eh, this is not a time for false modesty! and if you can't at the moment afford a shrink, perhaps you already have a pretty good handle on the approach necessary, if not always the moment-to-moment applications.
I don't know why this attraction has been so compelling for you, but let me comment about two things now. (It's probably early to make sense of it all; perspective requires distance.)
First, I would assume that all the disparaging remarks that former BF made about you were actually projection onto you of all the self-hatred he feels. This is not a person with good boundaries, no? and for whatever reason, he feels able to dump all his self-loathing on you. You are correct not to let it take any more room in your mind than you have already, and to work hard to eliminate any sense of deservedness that may have slipped past. It's not up to him, no matter what, to be sitting in judgment like this on you--he hasn't earned it.
Second, keep reminding yourself that you are loving and vital and whole. Whatever you seem to have needed to learn from this relationship is truly taking hold, from your de>
_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#158758 - 05/28/07 08:31 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: honey girl]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Stride,

I was away from here all weekend, so didn't see your post until just now. I'm sorry that Brant is an ass. No, that's not true, I'm sorry that you have been made to feel badly because Brant is an ass. No, no, that's not right either, I'm not sorry, I didn't do anything! I feel badly that you feel badly because Brant is an ass! Yeah, that's the one I want and oh by the way, Brant is an ASS!

I'm beat from the weekend, so I'm sorry I don't have a long wonderful reply but I want to let you know I'm with you and support you and I'm sending you virtual strength to get through this. Look out for you Stride, it's the right thing to do.

ROCK ON..........Trish

PS: Brant is an ass!

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#158766 - 05/28/07 08:54 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: Trish4850]
childsplay4 Offline


Registered: 11/04/06
Posts: 42
Loc: USA
I have to agree with Trish. I have been there one too many times myself, and I just could not take it anymore. There is only so much you can deal with. You have to take care of YOU at some point, no matter how much you love him, and understand his problems. Don't let the abused become an abuser to you!
{{{Stride}}}
cp4


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#158823 - 05/29/07 01:27 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: childsplay4]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Again, thanks to everyone for your hugs, encouragement and support. And Trish, YOU "Rock"! Your post cracked me up, and it felt good to be able to laugh aloud in the midst of all this:-D

Am listening to my body today. Didn't get many of the things I'd hoped to accomplished, but did get a little exercise, some sun, some inspiring reading, and a long nap in...all good things. I am feeling pretty physically tired today, but in a better headspace than yesterday, almost all of which I attribute to the thoughtfulness and supportive caring of everyone here.

Much heartfelt love to all and wishing you all serenity, happiness and peace,

Stride



_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

Top
#158826 - 05/29/07 01:46 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: honey girl]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
HG,

Originally Posted By: honey girl
It would seem that you have reached a level of disclosure with those of us here that is quite touching. My dear Stride, you yourself have been through a lot. I'm glad you're here to tell your tales, and to keep living your life. As someone who also has a lot of trust issues, I salute you for being willing to unburden yourself


You know, this is a very difficult thing for me to do here and I often worry that my level of disclosure may be inappropriate at times, or cost me the respect/regard of the people here. Part of the reason I have challenged myself to be so forthcoming here stems from the comfort and feelings I get of not being so alone when I find myself identifying with what others here have shared of their own innermost hopes, fears, etc. In part then, sharing some of my own more vulnerable thoughts, feelings and experiences here is done with the hope that perhaps it will help someone else feel less alone as well.

Sometimes "the lifting power of many wings" (see my sig) comes to us only when we are able to acknowledge that our own wings aren't working so well on their own, n'est-ce pas?

Much peace to you as well,

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

Top
#158873 - 05/29/07 09:24 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: childsplay4]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
stride - short and sweet - (and sorry couldn't reply sooner)

TIME TO TAKE HIM TO THE CURB


wishing you all the best in your NEW life,

indy



_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#158882 - 05/29/07 10:27 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: indygal]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
Stride,

You know where I stand. Truthfully, your strength and courage amaze me. I do not find your level of disclosure inappropriate at all, and I think many are inspired by it.

Joe

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#159088 - 05/30/07 01:51 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: Chain Breaker]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Stride,

I don't want to take anything away from you. I agree that you have done exactly what you needed to do to take care of yourself, and that is awesome.

One thing that struck me, however, was his complete turn. It sounds to me as though he is trying to sabotage your relationship in an effort to protect himself from whatever danger he perceives from you getting close to him.

It's a moot point now, as you are taking care of yourself, but it should be recognized as a possibility, and not just in your particular case. This is fairly common for survivors, men and women alike.

In any case, I'm very glad you are taking care of yourself.


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#159104 - 05/30/07 05:01 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: Dewey2k]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
[quote=Dewey2k] One thing that struck me, however, was his complete turn. It sounds to me as though he is trying to sabotage your relationship in an effort to protect himself from whatever danger he perceives from you getting close to him. /quote]

Very common, yes. In our case at least, it was hardly the first time, and he has already made a couple of "testing the waters" overtures towards reconciliation, at least as 'friends:' An email asking "how are you?" and saying that it would be nice to hear from me; a phone message, as well as another email a few hours later, letting me know that I'm welcome to use his vehicle while he's on tour (which he is now) and that he has left his keys for me (and where), should I want to do that (I don't, by choice, have a car at the moment).

B' himself has acknowledged his sabotaging behaviours with us at times. I find it telling that when he was basically listing off all the ways he finds me inadequate last Tuesday night, he nonetheless also referred to me as "the keeper of [his] secrets." And I am/have been, which no doubt makes me an extremely potent threat in B's mind, since I know the B that he works so hard to hide from the rest of the world.

B's the first to say that I know and understand him far better than ANYONE else does, which can be quite a seductive thing for a partner to hear. It's certainly true that the B' I know is not at all the B' other people think they know. They know a carefully constructed, false persona that is intelligent, warm, fun, witty, sexy, charming, charismatic, caring and so forth, even if somewhat of a partier at times and always broke. Not that he doesn't possess these qualities, but he is hardly the person he'd like people to believe he is.

B is perceived by almost everyone I know as a "really nice guy," fun to be around, a proud and loving father to his daughter, and a man who loves me very, very much. Those I've confided in in any way about him are invariably shocked to hear that we have any trouble in our love life, nevermind of the kinds of things he so frequently says to me. Indeed, his is so well liked that on those occasions when I have let people in on some of the reasons why, for example, I haven't married him, I sometimes get the feeling that they suddenly start to see ME in a different, and not very flattering light, while B' remains above suspicion....A tribute to just how good he is at emulating an authenticity that for the most part isn't, in fact, real. (Not that my intent is to cast a "good guy, bad guy" scenario, but I suspect that's how it comes across at times.)

My sense is that B' finds my being so close to him--my love, friendship, acceptance and warmth towards him despite knowing him as well as I do--extraordinarily comforting and stabilizing for him. At the same time, it seems fair to say that being 'the keeper of his secrets' also makes me a considerable threat in his eyes, as some of his secrets do not speak well of him, whether in reality or just in his own mind. Thus, the "come here, go away" dynamic and his considerable confusion WRT how he feels about me and what kind of relationship he wants to have with me.

Still, as you say, leaving him is exactly what I needed to do, for sake of my own sanity, if nothing else. His attempts to maintain some kind of connection with me over the past week have been made in an almost innocent "let's pretend," "sweep things under the carpet" sort of way that acknowledges/addresses nothing of substance. I'm sure he would like to feel that we are "still friends" and that he is already missing my companionship a great deal. Whether or not he is aware of still having any romantic feelings for me is something else again, but it hardly matters.

Anyway, B's "complete turn" was not a new development. Not at all. One day I'm the coolest, most amazing person/woman imaginable (even the most sensuous/passionate and erotic), the next I'm boring, unfit, unattractive and entirely uninteresting. Etc. Etc. Etc.

It goes without saying that every partner here has to make their own decisions about how much they will and will not endure from their SO. But as SAR so rightly points out, without concrete evidence of a real and ongoing commitment to work on things, be accountable, etc, there's really nothing worth sticking around for. Thus, whatever the real reason/s for these "turns" in B, I think I'll leave his vehicle where it sits and take the bus.

Stride



Edited by stride (05/30/07 05:19 PM)
_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

Top
#159105 - 05/30/07 05:12 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: stride]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Stride,

I think you have a good handle on things, and I'm certain you know this but I'll put it out there anyway:

Make sure your concerns are addressed as a prerequisite for any continued relationship. You have every right to be certain that you will be safe and treated with the respect you deserve, and I believe it needs to be not only acknowledged, but followed.

Take care of yourself (and you're already doing that \:\) )
Dewey2k


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#159106 - 05/30/07 05:18 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: Dewey2k]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Thanks, Dewey! Good advice:-D

Cheers,

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

Top
#159107 - 05/30/07 05:38 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: Trish4850]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Stride,

Originally Posted By: Trish4850
I'm sorry that Brant is an ass. No, that's not true, I'm sorry that you have been made to feel badly because Brant is an ass. No, no, that's not right either, I'm not sorry, I didn't do anything! I feel badly that you feel badly because Brant is an ass! Yeah, that's the one I want and oh by the way, Brant is an ASS! ...

PS: Brant is an ass!


Trish is a national treasure, isn't she? I've often thought of hijacking her from Jersey and bringing her over to the UK. We could use the sunshine. \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#159140 - 05/30/07 08:52 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: roadrunner]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Larry,

That's very sweet, especially since your kind words are in response to me calling someone an ass Much as I would love to visit across the pond, I can't re-locate - who would take care of all those damn plants I just put in! Next time you visit the States, you let me know.

Stride,

Dewey could be right, but after all of the time you've invested in this man for him to say such hurtful things to you, on top of ALL the other BS it's just, well BS. You've given so much of yourself to him that it's way beyond time to start giving it back to you. Stay strong.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#159184 - 05/31/07 12:33 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: Trish4850]
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Stride,

I hear your worry about being vulnerable to more of the same in the future. Maybe, esp. if you are feeling like you need to think about this more in recent days, it would help to identify some red flags, or set some rules about future relationships-- nothing specific to B., just general observations that you can use as measuring tools.

For example, is it possible that the role of "keeper of secrets" is a common dynamic in the kind of dysfunctional relationship that resonates with you? If so, what language and behaviors would a person display if they were "trying you out" for that role? What are the thoughts of yours that play into this (such as, feeling important and sexy at the idea of "knowing someone best") Is it a role that you feel you have a right to refuse?

I am NOT saying, do deep inner diving to figure out the first time you ever felt stuck in this role! Just think about the concrete language and actions, and keep them in mind so that you can measure twice before you cut, next time. Does that make sense? What thoughts and actions PRECEDE the dysfunctional attachment, and how can you recognize them and get off the train?

SAR


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#159203 - 05/31/07 05:15 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: Trish4850]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Originally Posted By: Trish4850
...after all of the time you've invested in this man for him to say such hurtful things to you, on top of ALL the other BS it's just, well BS. You've given so much of yourself to him that it's way beyond time to start giving it back to you. Stay strong.


Hey Trish,

I know it's early days, but something really feels different for/with me this time. I have no impulse or desire to try to explain myself to him, I'm not missing him and I don't want him back. It's not like the times when I left him in the past--even those where I was starting to feel pretty happy, healthy, strong and centred--as even then (whether I cared to admit it or not), a lot of my inspiration to get it together came from a deeper desire for, ultimately, a different outcome with him. I don't feel that way now.

Is he still on my mind every day? Of course he is...old habits die hard. But the thoughts are coming from a very different place now. Indeed, when I reflect on it all from the present vantage point, the only consistent thing I feel is...FREE!

Today, I have no interest in B and his world. Honestly can't see how I ever did, all of a sudden! Hmmm...surely this is a very good sign.

SAR,

Appreciate the questions you raise. I have considered those very kinds of things numerous times over the years and continue to. The "keeper of secrets" thing doesn't resonate much with me, but your point is well taken. I do recognize certain patterns WRT the type of men I've been attracted to historically, and yes, I am hoping to work further on that. Time will tell. For today, I'm feeling pretty damned good about where I'm at...thanks to all for helping me to keep that momentum going! \:\)

Cheers all,

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

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#159772 - 06/04/07 07:29 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: stride]
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
Hi Stride,
I've been away for a week so I'm just catching up with all the stuff posted during that time, otherwise I'd have replied sooner with much the same feeling as Trish......

........ HOW DARE HE be so rude to you????? Sod the reasons for it, it's just plain dispresectful and rude. No-one has the right to speak to anyone like that, partner, friend, family, whatever. Pull your appearance and self apart?? HOW DARE HE! You can be whatever bloody shape and size you want to be. You can wear whichever clothes you feel like and no-one, NO ONE, has the right to criticise.

Yes he's got problems, but that's no excuse for dissecting you in such a callous way.

Please, p...l....e...a....s.....e be careful with your relationship with him in the future. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!


SB x

_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

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#159860 - 06/04/07 05:04 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: soapy bubbles]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
SB,

Thank you for your support and concern. I remain feeling as if something just 'snapped' within me shortly after that last episode with him and that's that. At this point I haven't any desire in having any kind of relationship with him whatsoever, not now and not in any future that I can see either.

There's a whole lot of inner stuff going on with me at the moment, which is keeping me plenty busy enough working to come to terms with my own stuff: Again. I have been reading Patrick Carnes' "Don't Call It Love" and his "Out of the Shadows," attending most to the sections regarding coaddicts (yours truly); a lot of literature related to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (not as a means of searching for further insights about B, but for reaffirming for myself what I know to be true and need to remember/accept in order to move on, as well to avoid involvement with similar types of personalities in the future); "The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis (I'm a survivor too and obviously need to further revisit my own stuff, in depth). I have also been getting out to see healthy friends of my own, suntanning, taking long baths, and, thankfully, am about to return to work F/T again, which will certainly help restabilize my financial situation.

B' has been away for all but a few days since we split, which has been a most welcome reprieve as well. I do find it hard to feel relaxed in my home and neighbourhood when he's in town, as he lives mere steps away and drives past my place every day that he's here in order to get to wherever he's going (his vehicle is loud and unmistakable, so I can't help but hear it every time he starts it up, drives by, etc). For some reason I do continue to find this quite nerve-wracking and feel as if I'm living in a neon fishbowl when he's in town. Embarrassingly, it has always tended to send me into "obsess mode" when we've been split up and still does (where's he going? what's he doing? is he coming here? is he with anybody? did he see me in the window as he drove by? etc)...it's very unsettling, but it's my stuff.

Actually, it REALLY bugs me that this continues to preoccupy me when he's in town, like it's the one area in which I'm still somehow "hooked in." It's the only thing that leaves me with any doubt whatsoever about my being 100% "done" with him, but it's more like an autonomic response than anything. Even at those times I am not aware of feeling any desire to see or reconnect with him in any way. Clearly, I just need more of a life! Ha! And I'm quite happily working on that already. (Just for the record, I LOVE my home and have no intention of moving in the foreseeable future, so this particular issue is one I'll just have to keep working on. It will be a great milestone for me when the day comes that he starts his vehicle or drives by and it doesn't affect me one way or the other...I'm looking forward to that!)

Anyway, don't know what I would have done without all of you for all of these years, and I am SO thankful that you have continued to be here for yourselves and others. I know that the partners and survivors here will continue to help each other find the love, acceptance, encouragement and happiness we all deserve and desire. What a wonderful, healing, supportive and loving place you all make this!

Big hugs all around,

Stride






Edited by stride (06/04/07 05:11 PM)
_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

Top
#159941 - 06/05/07 06:09 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: stride]
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
Just make sure you stick your head in here occasionally to say hello to us! I'll be visiting BC next summer, so maybe I'll call you for a cup of coffee .....


SB x

_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

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#159945 - 06/05/07 07:05 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: soapy bubbles]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
I admire you for sticking to what you know to be best for yourself Stride. And to hear you sounding so confident and full of life......i have to say i am envious.......


Wishing you the best of times with enjoyment of life and the further release of self discovery,


peace
Beccy


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