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#159184 - 05/31/07 12:33 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: Trish4850]
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Stride,

I hear your worry about being vulnerable to more of the same in the future. Maybe, esp. if you are feeling like you need to think about this more in recent days, it would help to identify some red flags, or set some rules about future relationships-- nothing specific to B., just general observations that you can use as measuring tools.

For example, is it possible that the role of "keeper of secrets" is a common dynamic in the kind of dysfunctional relationship that resonates with you? If so, what language and behaviors would a person display if they were "trying you out" for that role? What are the thoughts of yours that play into this (such as, feeling important and sexy at the idea of "knowing someone best") Is it a role that you feel you have a right to refuse?

I am NOT saying, do deep inner diving to figure out the first time you ever felt stuck in this role! Just think about the concrete language and actions, and keep them in mind so that you can measure twice before you cut, next time. Does that make sense? What thoughts and actions PRECEDE the dysfunctional attachment, and how can you recognize them and get off the train?

SAR


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#159203 - 05/31/07 05:15 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: Trish4850]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Originally Posted By: Trish4850
...after all of the time you've invested in this man for him to say such hurtful things to you, on top of ALL the other BS it's just, well BS. You've given so much of yourself to him that it's way beyond time to start giving it back to you. Stay strong.


Hey Trish,

I know it's early days, but something really feels different for/with me this time. I have no impulse or desire to try to explain myself to him, I'm not missing him and I don't want him back. It's not like the times when I left him in the past--even those where I was starting to feel pretty happy, healthy, strong and centred--as even then (whether I cared to admit it or not), a lot of my inspiration to get it together came from a deeper desire for, ultimately, a different outcome with him. I don't feel that way now.

Is he still on my mind every day? Of course he is...old habits die hard. But the thoughts are coming from a very different place now. Indeed, when I reflect on it all from the present vantage point, the only consistent thing I feel is...FREE!

Today, I have no interest in B and his world. Honestly can't see how I ever did, all of a sudden! Hmmm...surely this is a very good sign.

SAR,

Appreciate the questions you raise. I have considered those very kinds of things numerous times over the years and continue to. The "keeper of secrets" thing doesn't resonate much with me, but your point is well taken. I do recognize certain patterns WRT the type of men I've been attracted to historically, and yes, I am hoping to work further on that. Time will tell. For today, I'm feeling pretty damned good about where I'm at...thanks to all for helping me to keep that momentum going! \:\)

Cheers all,

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

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#159772 - 06/04/07 07:29 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: stride]
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
Hi Stride,
I've been away for a week so I'm just catching up with all the stuff posted during that time, otherwise I'd have replied sooner with much the same feeling as Trish......

........ HOW DARE HE be so rude to you????? Sod the reasons for it, it's just plain dispresectful and rude. No-one has the right to speak to anyone like that, partner, friend, family, whatever. Pull your appearance and self apart?? HOW DARE HE! You can be whatever bloody shape and size you want to be. You can wear whichever clothes you feel like and no-one, NO ONE, has the right to criticise.

Yes he's got problems, but that's no excuse for dissecting you in such a callous way.

Please, p...l....e...a....s.....e be careful with your relationship with him in the future. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!


SB x

_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

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#159860 - 06/04/07 05:04 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: soapy bubbles]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
SB,

Thank you for your support and concern. I remain feeling as if something just 'snapped' within me shortly after that last episode with him and that's that. At this point I haven't any desire in having any kind of relationship with him whatsoever, not now and not in any future that I can see either.

There's a whole lot of inner stuff going on with me at the moment, which is keeping me plenty busy enough working to come to terms with my own stuff: Again. I have been reading Patrick Carnes' "Don't Call It Love" and his "Out of the Shadows," attending most to the sections regarding coaddicts (yours truly); a lot of literature related to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (not as a means of searching for further insights about B, but for reaffirming for myself what I know to be true and need to remember/accept in order to move on, as well to avoid involvement with similar types of personalities in the future); "The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis (I'm a survivor too and obviously need to further revisit my own stuff, in depth). I have also been getting out to see healthy friends of my own, suntanning, taking long baths, and, thankfully, am about to return to work F/T again, which will certainly help restabilize my financial situation.

B' has been away for all but a few days since we split, which has been a most welcome reprieve as well. I do find it hard to feel relaxed in my home and neighbourhood when he's in town, as he lives mere steps away and drives past my place every day that he's here in order to get to wherever he's going (his vehicle is loud and unmistakable, so I can't help but hear it every time he starts it up, drives by, etc). For some reason I do continue to find this quite nerve-wracking and feel as if I'm living in a neon fishbowl when he's in town. Embarrassingly, it has always tended to send me into "obsess mode" when we've been split up and still does (where's he going? what's he doing? is he coming here? is he with anybody? did he see me in the window as he drove by? etc)...it's very unsettling, but it's my stuff.

Actually, it REALLY bugs me that this continues to preoccupy me when he's in town, like it's the one area in which I'm still somehow "hooked in." It's the only thing that leaves me with any doubt whatsoever about my being 100% "done" with him, but it's more like an autonomic response than anything. Even at those times I am not aware of feeling any desire to see or reconnect with him in any way. Clearly, I just need more of a life! Ha! And I'm quite happily working on that already. (Just for the record, I LOVE my home and have no intention of moving in the foreseeable future, so this particular issue is one I'll just have to keep working on. It will be a great milestone for me when the day comes that he starts his vehicle or drives by and it doesn't affect me one way or the other...I'm looking forward to that!)

Anyway, don't know what I would have done without all of you for all of these years, and I am SO thankful that you have continued to be here for yourselves and others. I know that the partners and survivors here will continue to help each other find the love, acceptance, encouragement and happiness we all deserve and desire. What a wonderful, healing, supportive and loving place you all make this!

Big hugs all around,

Stride






Edited by stride (06/04/07 05:11 PM)
_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

Top
#159941 - 06/05/07 06:09 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: stride]
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
Just make sure you stick your head in here occasionally to say hello to us! I'll be visiting BC next summer, so maybe I'll call you for a cup of coffee .....


SB x

_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

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#159945 - 06/05/07 07:05 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: soapy bubbles]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
I admire you for sticking to what you know to be best for yourself Stride. And to hear you sounding so confident and full of life......i have to say i am envious.......


Wishing you the best of times with enjoyment of life and the further release of self discovery,


peace
Beccy


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