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#158823 - 05/29/07 01:27 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: childsplay4]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Again, thanks to everyone for your hugs, encouragement and support. And Trish, YOU "Rock"! Your post cracked me up, and it felt good to be able to laugh aloud in the midst of all this:-D

Am listening to my body today. Didn't get many of the things I'd hoped to accomplished, but did get a little exercise, some sun, some inspiring reading, and a long nap in...all good things. I am feeling pretty physically tired today, but in a better headspace than yesterday, almost all of which I attribute to the thoughtfulness and supportive caring of everyone here.

Much heartfelt love to all and wishing you all serenity, happiness and peace,

Stride



_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

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#158826 - 05/29/07 01:46 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: honey girl]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
HG,

Originally Posted By: honey girl
It would seem that you have reached a level of disclosure with those of us here that is quite touching. My dear Stride, you yourself have been through a lot. I'm glad you're here to tell your tales, and to keep living your life. As someone who also has a lot of trust issues, I salute you for being willing to unburden yourself


You know, this is a very difficult thing for me to do here and I often worry that my level of disclosure may be inappropriate at times, or cost me the respect/regard of the people here. Part of the reason I have challenged myself to be so forthcoming here stems from the comfort and feelings I get of not being so alone when I find myself identifying with what others here have shared of their own innermost hopes, fears, etc. In part then, sharing some of my own more vulnerable thoughts, feelings and experiences here is done with the hope that perhaps it will help someone else feel less alone as well.

Sometimes "the lifting power of many wings" (see my sig) comes to us only when we are able to acknowledge that our own wings aren't working so well on their own, n'est-ce pas?

Much peace to you as well,

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

Top
#158873 - 05/29/07 09:24 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: childsplay4]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
stride - short and sweet - (and sorry couldn't reply sooner)

TIME TO TAKE HIM TO THE CURB


wishing you all the best in your NEW life,

indy



_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#158882 - 05/29/07 10:27 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: indygal]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
Stride,

You know where I stand. Truthfully, your strength and courage amaze me. I do not find your level of disclosure inappropriate at all, and I think many are inspired by it.

Joe

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#159088 - 05/30/07 01:51 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: Chain Breaker]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Stride,

I don't want to take anything away from you. I agree that you have done exactly what you needed to do to take care of yourself, and that is awesome.

One thing that struck me, however, was his complete turn. It sounds to me as though he is trying to sabotage your relationship in an effort to protect himself from whatever danger he perceives from you getting close to him.

It's a moot point now, as you are taking care of yourself, but it should be recognized as a possibility, and not just in your particular case. This is fairly common for survivors, men and women alike.

In any case, I'm very glad you are taking care of yourself.


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#159104 - 05/30/07 05:01 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: Dewey2k]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
[quote=Dewey2k] One thing that struck me, however, was his complete turn. It sounds to me as though he is trying to sabotage your relationship in an effort to protect himself from whatever danger he perceives from you getting close to him. /quote]

Very common, yes. In our case at least, it was hardly the first time, and he has already made a couple of "testing the waters" overtures towards reconciliation, at least as 'friends:' An email asking "how are you?" and saying that it would be nice to hear from me; a phone message, as well as another email a few hours later, letting me know that I'm welcome to use his vehicle while he's on tour (which he is now) and that he has left his keys for me (and where), should I want to do that (I don't, by choice, have a car at the moment).

B' himself has acknowledged his sabotaging behaviours with us at times. I find it telling that when he was basically listing off all the ways he finds me inadequate last Tuesday night, he nonetheless also referred to me as "the keeper of [his] secrets." And I am/have been, which no doubt makes me an extremely potent threat in B's mind, since I know the B that he works so hard to hide from the rest of the world.

B's the first to say that I know and understand him far better than ANYONE else does, which can be quite a seductive thing for a partner to hear. It's certainly true that the B' I know is not at all the B' other people think they know. They know a carefully constructed, false persona that is intelligent, warm, fun, witty, sexy, charming, charismatic, caring and so forth, even if somewhat of a partier at times and always broke. Not that he doesn't possess these qualities, but he is hardly the person he'd like people to believe he is.

B is perceived by almost everyone I know as a "really nice guy," fun to be around, a proud and loving father to his daughter, and a man who loves me very, very much. Those I've confided in in any way about him are invariably shocked to hear that we have any trouble in our love life, nevermind of the kinds of things he so frequently says to me. Indeed, his is so well liked that on those occasions when I have let people in on some of the reasons why, for example, I haven't married him, I sometimes get the feeling that they suddenly start to see ME in a different, and not very flattering light, while B' remains above suspicion....A tribute to just how good he is at emulating an authenticity that for the most part isn't, in fact, real. (Not that my intent is to cast a "good guy, bad guy" scenario, but I suspect that's how it comes across at times.)

My sense is that B' finds my being so close to him--my love, friendship, acceptance and warmth towards him despite knowing him as well as I do--extraordinarily comforting and stabilizing for him. At the same time, it seems fair to say that being 'the keeper of his secrets' also makes me a considerable threat in his eyes, as some of his secrets do not speak well of him, whether in reality or just in his own mind. Thus, the "come here, go away" dynamic and his considerable confusion WRT how he feels about me and what kind of relationship he wants to have with me.

Still, as you say, leaving him is exactly what I needed to do, for sake of my own sanity, if nothing else. His attempts to maintain some kind of connection with me over the past week have been made in an almost innocent "let's pretend," "sweep things under the carpet" sort of way that acknowledges/addresses nothing of substance. I'm sure he would like to feel that we are "still friends" and that he is already missing my companionship a great deal. Whether or not he is aware of still having any romantic feelings for me is something else again, but it hardly matters.

Anyway, B's "complete turn" was not a new development. Not at all. One day I'm the coolest, most amazing person/woman imaginable (even the most sensuous/passionate and erotic), the next I'm boring, unfit, unattractive and entirely uninteresting. Etc. Etc. Etc.

It goes without saying that every partner here has to make their own decisions about how much they will and will not endure from their SO. But as SAR so rightly points out, without concrete evidence of a real and ongoing commitment to work on things, be accountable, etc, there's really nothing worth sticking around for. Thus, whatever the real reason/s for these "turns" in B, I think I'll leave his vehicle where it sits and take the bus.

Stride



Edited by stride (05/30/07 05:19 PM)
_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

Top
#159105 - 05/30/07 05:12 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: stride]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Stride,

I think you have a good handle on things, and I'm certain you know this but I'll put it out there anyway:

Make sure your concerns are addressed as a prerequisite for any continued relationship. You have every right to be certain that you will be safe and treated with the respect you deserve, and I believe it needs to be not only acknowledged, but followed.

Take care of yourself (and you're already doing that \:\) )
Dewey2k


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#159106 - 05/30/07 05:18 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: Dewey2k]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Thanks, Dewey! Good advice:-D

Cheers,

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

Top
#159107 - 05/30/07 05:38 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: Trish4850]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Stride,

Originally Posted By: Trish4850
I'm sorry that Brant is an ass. No, that's not true, I'm sorry that you have been made to feel badly because Brant is an ass. No, no, that's not right either, I'm not sorry, I didn't do anything! I feel badly that you feel badly because Brant is an ass! Yeah, that's the one I want and oh by the way, Brant is an ASS! ...

PS: Brant is an ass!


Trish is a national treasure, isn't she? I've often thought of hijacking her from Jersey and bringing her over to the UK. We could use the sunshine. \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#159140 - 05/30/07 08:52 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: roadrunner]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Larry,

That's very sweet, especially since your kind words are in response to me calling someone an ass Much as I would love to visit across the pond, I can't re-locate - who would take care of all those damn plants I just put in! Next time you visit the States, you let me know.

Stride,

Dewey could be right, but after all of the time you've invested in this man for him to say such hurtful things to you, on top of ALL the other BS it's just, well BS. You've given so much of yourself to him that it's way beyond time to start giving it back to you. Stay strong.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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