Newest Members
PaulnMA, andrewmartin, Aurigny, Luther, LuckyCharm
12252 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Beyond Abuse (51), dona (55), JoMiFa (35), norbrill1 (62), RubyRoberts (62)
Who's Online
3 registered (PhoenixRising, 2 invisible), 39 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12252 Members
73 Forums
63108 Topics
441325 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#158600 - 05/28/07 04:12 AM Update...Rant
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Well, I have left B' again. God give me strength to stick by my decision this time! Truthfully, I have a feeling my strength won't matter anyway, as my guess is that it's over for him anyway...a good thing FOR ME in the long run, but still painful and anxiety-provoking.

Originally, we had had big plans for today, as it is his (46th) birthday. I am the one who made the concrete move to leave him (again), yet here I sit feeling like I'm the one who has been abandoned. And the truth is, I have been. He abandoned me a long time ago, if he was ever really "here" in the first place. Still, I am sitting here like some kind of naive, young adolescent girl, wishing that despite what I'm sure is true, he is really pining away all alone at home, overcome with feelings of loss, remorse, and desperate to find a way to make things right with me, for once and for all.

No doubt, by his not calling, emailing, coming by, etc, since we gave each other our things back today (with absolutely no discussion of what has happened), he is, in fact, doing right for me and what is best, whether that's his conscious intention or not.

Jesus, how fu*ked up can I be? I left him after he sat here on Tuesday night, telling me, in ever so "honest" and 'reasoning' a tone of voice, that I've "let [myself] go." It's not the first time he's said that (verbatim) either. Funny, I've been in a physio rehab program for the past several weeks due to an arm/shoulder injury. They have run--not one, but two--comprehensive fitness tests on me since I've been there and assess my level of fitness as "Elite" (excellent). Apparently I also have a much greater range of motion and am much more flexible than most people, even those many years younger than myself. They say I am slim, trim and in excellent shape, with very good tone, etc. I am, BTW, 5'6" and 124 lbs.

But in the world according to Brant, I "have let [myself] go." It's ridiculous...patently absurd...outrageous and laughable, were it not for the fact that I, despite all reason, feel terribly, terribly wounded by his words and apparent perceptions of me.

Even his own friends (nevermind mine) shake their heads in utter disbelief at him. All-the-same I feel hurt, betrayed, denied, maligned, miscast...angry, bitter, muzzled, vengeful...confused, shocked (even though I've heard all this before from him), appalled, confused, stupified...abandoned, rejected, and deep down inside, quite pathologically, "not good enough." Scared. Alone. Sickened. Disgusted. Embarrassed (for my complicity in having stayed with him for all these years, despite how fu*ked up and unwilling to 'get real' he is and has been). Devalued. Demeaned. And humiliatingly destabilized...reduced to feeling right now like I am, perhaps, nothing to him at all, save for a convenient sucker who has repeatedly permitted him to manipulate, take advantage of and use her, without any serious intention of ever reciprocating.

B' said a lot of things like that on Tuesday night. I'm not exciting and attractive enough for him, not witty enough, not "as young looking" as I used to be (I regularly get told that I don't look a day over 30 and I'm 45), not fun enough, not young enough, don't have a tight enough belly, talk about my kids too much, am almost his age (we're less than a year apart in age) and he's only ever been attracted to/dated women at least 5 years younger than he is. On and on and on in pretty much the same vein, though ever so calmly and "honestly."

Then he wanted to know, suddenly all perky, warm and happy, as if everything was just great between us, if he could buy me a drink downtown. I declined. He went out and partied the rest of the night away at the local nightclub.

The next day he left for a 4 day road trip with his band, and emailed me once a day with feeble attempts to minimize the effect of his words and actions, acting almost as if Tuesday night was little more than a hurtful but not-that-big-a-deal drunken faux pas on his part and how was I anyway?

I finally replied to his most recent email yesterday, quietly telling him that I wanted the keys to my apartment back, etc. He came by today with my keys, picked up his things, tried to give me a hug (no response from me) and left, tacitly acting as if we're still the best of friends and everything's gonna be just fine (read, that he doesn't really believe he's lost my friendship, and that I'll come around eventually [as that bestest pal he likes me to be]).

I know I can do and deserve worlds better. That's all very well and good, but right now I'm still upset. Really upset. I don't care how ridiculous he and his alleged perceptions of me are, they still humiliate and hurt, and I still feel quite a bit of loss here. At least it doesn't hurt quite as deeply as it used to...in many ways it gets easier each time I leave. Right now, I am trying to pat myself on the back for: (1) Working on my sister's Affidavit (divorce related) today, despite my self-absorbed, obsessive state at present; and (2) for not calling him or sending any of the numerous emails I've drafted to him over the past 24 hours in particular.

What doesn't get easier is the humiliation, shame, and "patsy" feeling I have about myself for having given him yet another chance; or, probably more aptly put, for having further invested in my own pathetic fantasies that he has ever truly loved me or is even capable of loving me, and was worth hanging in there for.

My thoughts are all over the place right now. Ditto for my emotions, my ability to maintain a clear, reality-based perspective, etc. My guess is that he's out partying somewhere as I write this, celebrating himself on his birthday, quite likely even with some new sucker that he's all hot for at the moment and charming the shit out of. Perhaps that sweet, slim, kinda pretty, single, guitar playing woman who lives right next door to him and has had quite a crush on him ever since she moved into the neighbourhood last year. Even if that's true, why do I care???

Actually, I know why this affects me the way it does. Why it's always been so hard for me to walk away from him. The man is a clinically diagnosable narcissist, a sex addict, an alcoholic and a drug abuser. So was/is my father. Enough said.

Silly, isn't it? Here I am, 45 years old, loving, compassionate, smart, talented, resourceful, independent and self-sufficient, accomplished, educated, attractive, respected, sensuous, authentic. candid, sexy, responsible, loyal, thoughtful, dependable and, save for my smoking/smoking related health issues, a pretty desirable woman overall, all messed up over a 46 year old felon and clinically diagnosable narcissist with addictions to porn, alcohol, drugs and a myriad of other psychological, emotional, sexual, developmental, financial, etc problems...a man who has absolutely nothing to show for himself and who's incapable of truly loving anybody--even his own daughter, IMO. He doesn't even own a bed for Pete's sake (sleeps on a futon loaned to him). His mother paid for his vehicle (which is now barely running and so thoroughly rusted out you can see the road through the floorboards, seats, wheelwells, etc). He still can't afford his own place and has never had one, save once for 7 months a few years ago (his mother helped him out with that too).

I can't believe I'm admitting to all of this (again) here. As it is, I don't know how I could have survived all these years without all of you here and this site.

Sorry for the rant. I hate being in this space (yet again), and feel small that I'm bothered about any of this (stuff WRT Brant), nevermind blathering on about it here once more. Never was much good at just making a clean break and walking away with nary a look back. Shit. Here again....It's no news to me that there's something still pretty messed up in me that I could still be so messed up over a guy like him. Can't afford my shrink right now though...

God bless you all,

Stride











Edited by stride (05/28/07 02:21 PM)
_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

Top
#158632 - 05/28/07 09:33 AM Re: Update...Rant [Re: stride]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Stride,

It's never easy to hear hurtful and belittling comments from someone you have shared your life with and thought you could trust. I'm really sorry to see you going through all this. You deserved a lot better.

But at the same time it seems you made the decision that's right for you. You do have to look out for yourself in this situation, and all you did was note the reality before your eyes and act accordingly.

You comment as follows:

Originally Posted By: stride
Here I am, 45 years old, loving, compassionate, smart, talented, resourceful, independent and self-sufficient, accomplished, educated, attractive, respected, sensuous, authentic. candid, sexy, responsible, loyal, thoughtful, dependable and, save for my smoking/smoking related health issues, a pretty desirable woman overall, all messed up over a 46 year old felon and clinically diagnosable narcissist with addictions to porn, alcohol, drugs and a myriad of other psychological, emotional, sexual, developmental, financial, etc problems...a man who has absolutely nothing to show for himself and who's incapable of truly loving anybody--even his own daughter, IMO. He doesn't even own a bed for Pete's sake (sleeps on a futon loaned to him). His mother paid for his vehicle (which is now barely running and so thoroughly rusted out you can see the road through the floorboards, seats, wheelwells, etc). He still can't afford his own place and has never had one, save once for 7 months a few years ago (his mother helped him out with that too).


Okay, but why not just concentrate on this part:

Originally Posted By: stride
Here I am, 45 years old, loving, compassionate, smart, talented, resourceful, independent and self-sufficient, accomplished, educated, attractive, respected, sensuous, authentic. candid, sexy, responsible, loyal, thoughtful, dependable and, save for my smoking/smoking related health issues, a pretty desirable woman overall.


This is the part that will get you through. \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#158676 - 05/28/07 12:50 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: roadrunner]
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
stride, I have to make this brief so I will just say that my favorite line of your post is what you are going to do today instead of stress out and be consumed by his comments. What else are you going to do?

two things that help me when I am unable to focus on anything but something that hurts me and over which I have no control are:

1. go to the office supply store and look at all the colors of paper and ink

2. try to find and eliminate some behavior that is feeding my melancholy-- not a big one, just something to free me a bit. Before I got my current job and had been looking w/ no success for a while, I realized that I'd gotten into a habit of watching this one tv show during the day. I would do it to "de-stress" from job hunting and writing cover letters, but it was taking time from my day that I regretted later. When I made it a point to break that little routine and use that hour to call a friend or ride my bike it really helped.

hugs, SAR


Top
#158677 - 05/28/07 12:52 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: roadrunner]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Stride,

I really feel for you, because it is clear to see how you were being used, manipulated, and emotionally abused by Brant. What really struck me about the things he said to you were how he was saying things that were impossible for you to change - i.e., your age, or your body which is already perfect by your de>
_________________________
Eddie

Top
#158695 - 05/28/07 03:00 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: EGL]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Thank you everyone. Good counsel all around, I know, and shall do my best to heed it.

Eddie, I didn't mean to imply that I think of myself or my body as perfect, as that's certainly not the case. Mostly I was just trying to acknowledge and remind myself, in black and white, of my many good qualities...that I AM "good enough." I was/am trying to give myself a reality check in the face of what he would have me believe to the contrary. That he no doubt projects such things onto me because of his own profound sense of inadequacy is of little comfort at the moment. Six years of continuing to allow myself to be subjected to such accusations and behaviour from him has taken its toll on my self-esteem.

Still it seems obvious that my self-esteem wasn't as healthy as I might have thought when we first got together either. If it had been I would've jumped ship without a second thought years ago. Hell, I probably wouldn't have been attracted to him in the first place. What's really scary is that given my own now undeniably still unresolved childhood issues, I fear that I likely remain vulnerable to falling for guys like him. After years of counselling, workshops and retreats, self-help books, psych courses, and so forth, it's pretty discouraging.

SAR, your suggestion is a good one. There are other things I can be doing instead of sitting here in victim mode. Besides, it's a sunny day here today, so I'm going to go out this afternoon and perhaps take a walk along the seaside. It'll do me good.

Hugs to all,

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

Top
#158706 - 05/28/07 04:27 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: stride]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Dear Stride,


I am so sorry to hear Brant said those hurtful things to you. I am not surprised you are so angry and hurting right now.


You've been through a lot with this man. And i can see from previous posts of yours, that you really gave a great deal of yourself to the relationship. Kindness, consideration, patience, thought, energy. That takes a lot and is a sign of a good soul. It is also exhausting and upsetting and, as you said, demeaning. I commend you, for how well you've done to come through it with enough awareness in tact to still know your true value.



It sounds like it could be a positive thing, to realise you have a few more unresolved childhood issues.....also, i see no reason why a woman wouldn't need a dose of counceling just anyway, after having a relationship with a person with so many intimacy problems. You're an intelligent person, who has realised that there is too much negative/too little positive, for them to stay with their partner.


In your centre(at least in these posts), you sound strong.


Lastly i'd like to say it's ok to be REALLY ANGRY, sad, whatever you're feeling. And if you have the insentive to take walks on the beach, well done. Doing things for yourself which make you feel, calm, peaceful, alive, happy........



peace
Beccy





Edited by beccy (05/28/07 04:36 PM)

Top
#158719 - 05/28/07 05:22 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: beccy]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Thank you, Beccy! :-D

Just got in from my walk. Going back out to lay in the sun with a good book for a while...

Love y'all,

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

Top
#158730 - 05/28/07 06:52 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: stride]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Hey, Stride--
Sorry to hear that it's so painful, but glad to hear that you can quite readily list all those great qualities about yourself. Eh, this is not a time for false modesty! and if you can't at the moment afford a shrink, perhaps you already have a pretty good handle on the approach necessary, if not always the moment-to-moment applications.
I don't know why this attraction has been so compelling for you, but let me comment about two things now. (It's probably early to make sense of it all; perspective requires distance.)
First, I would assume that all the disparaging remarks that former BF made about you were actually projection onto you of all the self-hatred he feels. This is not a person with good boundaries, no? and for whatever reason, he feels able to dump all his self-loathing on you. You are correct not to let it take any more room in your mind than you have already, and to work hard to eliminate any sense of deservedness that may have slipped past. It's not up to him, no matter what, to be sitting in judgment like this on you--he hasn't earned it.
Second, keep reminding yourself that you are loving and vital and whole. Whatever you seem to have needed to learn from this relationship is truly taking hold, from your de>
_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

Top
#158758 - 05/28/07 08:31 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: honey girl]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Stride,

I was away from here all weekend, so didn't see your post until just now. I'm sorry that Brant is an ass. No, that's not true, I'm sorry that you have been made to feel badly because Brant is an ass. No, no, that's not right either, I'm not sorry, I didn't do anything! I feel badly that you feel badly because Brant is an ass! Yeah, that's the one I want and oh by the way, Brant is an ASS!

I'm beat from the weekend, so I'm sorry I don't have a long wonderful reply but I want to let you know I'm with you and support you and I'm sending you virtual strength to get through this. Look out for you Stride, it's the right thing to do.

ROCK ON..........Trish

PS: Brant is an ass!

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#158766 - 05/28/07 08:54 PM Re: Update...Rant [Re: Trish4850]
childsplay4 Offline


Registered: 11/04/06
Posts: 42
Loc: USA
I have to agree with Trish. I have been there one too many times myself, and I just could not take it anymore. There is only so much you can deal with. You have to take care of YOU at some point, no matter how much you love him, and understand his problems. Don't let the abused become an abuser to you!
{{{Stride}}}
cp4


Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.