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#158586 - 05/28/07 01:11 AM When does this end? ***TRIGGERS***
frozen Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/26/07
Posts: 22
Loc: Europe
Hi I am quite new here, this is my second post . This could turn really triggering.

I spend last night four hours watching porn and masturbating. My wife and older kids slept in a tent in backyard, witch we bought yesterday. They wanted to test tent, before longer trip into woods. So I stayed in house with younger ones. After they fell a sleep, I started internet porn. It happens when she is not around.
So I did it again, porn actually does not even turn me on. I watched naked bodies, dicks, butts, what they were doing. I watched their faces, I am sure that they, on the bottom was not always enjoying.
I know how it feels to have man in between your legs.
First time I was in a sleep ,when 13 boy next door decided to have sex with me. School friend of mine and I were 11. They stayed over night. So three boys were sleeping on mattress on floor ,and he picked me . He probably fucked my friend other time. I woke when he was fingering me, my pants were down, I did not know what was happening. I did not move . After awhile he turned me on my stomach, and got on top of me ,and penetrated .It did not hurt much but I tough to be dying. He fucked me until I felt something leaking inside me and pulled off. He pulled my pants up and started sleeping , he did not say a word, I was woke rest of the night, pants wet .I could not understand what happened.
Earlier, same boy learned us how to jerk , I have done that a lot , I was 13Ĺ when I got results into my hands.
My longer fuckingship lasted nine years, or can you call it relationship? We were 14. He was nice boy until first rape. He hit me before and after sex . He was clever not to leave marks, but hurt enough me to be his slave . He did not talk much either, during action. He was violent every single occasion, I was just a hole to be fucked. When I was finally left alone after last rape. I missed him, it lasted so long, that I got used to it, penetration and other stuff.
Sometimes when I am masturbating I am missing his dick, I donít want to meet him ever again ,but I miss his dick and hate it. I hate him, I hate porn, I hate my taughts. I hate my actions.
I know that all this stuff hurts my wife, I am fighting against it, but it is really hard.

(Edited to add trigger warning.)



Edited by ModTeam (05/28/07 11:47 PM)

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#158592 - 05/28/07 02:31 AM Re: When does this end? [Re: frozen]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Frozen, Welcome to the site, I know that you will start to find what you need here as you talk about what happened to you and how it effected you. If possible you should also seek out a therapist who specializes in male sexual abuse/rape. I have been reading the books of Dr. Carnes, His web site is, SexHelp.com. In his books he recommends finding a 12 step program for sex addiction. While I am not there yet, I do think that I am a Sexual Anorexia, with the exception of masturbating to porn.
Again welcome to the site.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#158610 - 05/28/07 05:33 AM Re: When does this end? [Re: lostcowboy]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Frozen,

Iím so sorry the way this abuse has affected you. Just know that at present, this is your way of trying to cope. Try and find a therapist if you can who specialises in male sexual abuse.

I know that is a scary thought but it really does help Ė as does posting here and gaining support like you have already.

Glad you found us. Welcome.


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#158614 - 05/28/07 06:16 AM Re: When does this end? [Re: Grunty1967b]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
Frozen,

I'm new to this as well i also acess porn on the net but not of children. I have sp much guilt after I wonder why I do in the first place. i not even interested in haveing sex with anyone. Why does this stuff attract me and fill me with guilt? This site has been the best thing that has happened to me in 4 years. Good luck to you and sorry you havr had to experience the things you have. I told it does get easier and I hold on to that hope.

mark


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#158769 - 05/28/07 09:07 PM Re: When does this end? [Re: hangingon]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Frozen,

Welcome to the site, and I'm glad you found us. There is so much to talk about, of course, and you have hit on a big one to start out with, that's for sure.

At the most general level what you are doing is "acting out". That's a term used to describe harmful behavior that survivors engage in so as to gain some temporary relief from stress, tension, or negative feelings. This can include substance abuse, self-harm (cutting, for example), anti-social behavior, and various kinds of sexual activity, including the use of porn.

Looking at porn doesn't mean you enjoy porn or the images it contains, and masturbation is a perfectly normal and healthy thing to do. The problem is that the combination makes you feel ashamed and guilty.

There could be any of a number of reasons why you do this, and one might be that you are trying to gain relief from your feelings about the abuse by re-enacting the scenes...under your own control. That is, by placing the events under your own control, where you decide which images will be seen and which will stimulate you, you in a way also place the abuse memories under your control - at least temporarily. That feeling of control is where the relief comes from, but of course it doesn't last, and that's the problem.

That's just one guess, though, and this is a good example of why it's important to be working with a T through our issues. The T will help us understand what's really going on, and that will help us to set aside our feelings of shame and guilt.

Whatever the reason is, bro, you aren't alone. This problem hits so many guys. Don't judge yourself for this; the way forward is to face it as an issue and get the right support to deal with it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#159638 - 06/03/07 03:27 PM Re: When does this end? [Re: roadrunner]
frozen Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/26/07
Posts: 22
Loc: Europe
Sorry if I upsett someone,I had a bad day.I watched adult one.Childporn is illegal here,you get jailled making or using it.I have kids of my one.I do not accept it.Porn actually is not the biggest problem.
It is just waste of time,once or twice of month.
I want to erase my memories,I want to forget all.


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#160083 - 06/05/07 08:20 PM Re: When does this end? [Re: frozen]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Frozen,

You didn't offend anyone and yeah, I can understand you had a bad day. I know how you feel when you say this:

Originally Posted By: frozen
I want to erase my memories,I want to forget all.


But I would suggest that it would be healthier to just admit how you feel and then work with those feelings. If you deny them they will just build up and explode out later, and denying them doesn't make them any less real. Those feelings really are where we have to start, even if we don't like or approve of those feelings.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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