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#158460 - 05/27/07 01:20 AM Help! My husband is in a total downward spiral!
Way Offline
New Here

Registered: 05/27/07
Posts: 3
Ok here it goes...

My husband and I have been together 5 years. We've always had a very open and honest relationship (so much so, that we are able to maintain separate sex lives). For as long as I've known him, he was a little wild; had a bit of a temper, a little disrespectful, and liked to party a little too much, but generally, a kind hearted person with dreams of a family and kids. Yeah, he was a little bit off, and not everyone's cup of tea, but I'm a ruthless bitch, so I like a challenge in a man. But for the most part, everything in our relationship seemed to be great up until about a year ago, when he started using heroin and becoming increasingly depressed. He would tell me it was the stress of maintaing a marriage and a home being as young as we are (I'm 19, he's 20). In late December of '06, he totaled our Camaro and wound up breaking his femur, landing him in the hospital for 4 days and a titanium rod in his leg for the rest of his life.

After the surgery, the drug abuse became 10 times worse; they were giving him pre>

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#158461 - 05/27/07 01:30 AM Re: Help! My husband is in a total downward spiral! [Re: Way]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11027
Loc: Denver, CO
Way,

Welcome to the site. This sounds like quite an ordeal you have happening at home. It looks like he is engaging in some major self-sabotage right now. If he's hurting you, you need to take steps to keep yourself safe. Can you talk to him about this website? There a few thousand people on here who can relate to what's happened to him.



Edited by FormerTexan (05/27/07 01:33 AM)
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#158462 - 05/27/07 01:42 AM Re: Help! My husband is in a total downward spiral! [Re: FormerTexan]
Way Offline
New Here

Registered: 05/27/07
Posts: 3
Hi,

I have defenitely taken steps toward my safety; my family lives across the street. I have called the police, but I refuse to press charges against him.

I found this website earlier today and mentioned it to him. Honestly though, the only thing he knows how to do on the computer is play solitaire. I have directed him toward other groups and survivors, but he doesn't seem to like the organized approach to recovery. It's almost as if he has given up on saving himself.


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#158480 - 05/27/07 08:55 AM Re: Help! My husband is in a total downward spiral! [Re: Way]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Way,

I am so sorry to hear about this situation, but I'm glad you found us here at Male Survivor. It seems to me that your first piority has to be your own safety, especially if he is becoming violent. This is something that you have to decide, of course, but when you do nothing decisive you are basically enabling him to continue in behavior that could have terrible consequences for both of you.

As a former heavy user of both drugs and alcohol I find it difficult to see how he will have much chance of improving things until he can make the decision to face his problems sober and straight. In my case it took the death (heroin OD) of a close friend, who was pregnant at the time, to give me the wake-up call I needed. It really is that serious.

But you are right. If he is using drugs because of abuse issues then he is caught in a vicious circle of acting out that will be hard to break. This sounds like a case that would challenge even a very experienced therapist.

You ask what you can do to help. At first this may sound like no help at all, but I think the most important thing you have to do is be strong for yourself and realize that you can't fix this for him. He has to want recovery bad enough to fight for it and work for it. It has to be a decision he takes for his own welfare, or whatever he does will just fall apart, as you have already see in rehab.

For example, in my opinion you need to take a clear stand against violence. If you do, then he wil see that he has to find real ways of coping and healing; isn't that good for him as well as you? And if you don't take such a stand, then you are headed down the dangerous road of other battered partners; unless he sees that it has to stop, it won't stop. Will it?

If he sees that you are standing up for yourself and showing strength for your own welfare, then positive things you say about him will take on a whole new meaning.

And there are things he needs to hear. For example, he needs to know that abuse can never be the child's fault, that he isn't alone, that there is hope for him if he commits to recovery, and that whatever you hear from him about his past, that will not affect what you think of him now and in the future. These may seem like little contributions, but they strike to the heart of the issues of worth, self-esteem and confidence that trouble most survivors.

I wish you both all the best, and I hope you will continue to post here and talk about what's going on. It really does help.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#158513 - 05/27/07 11:45 AM Re: Help! My husband is in a total downward spiral! [Re: roadrunner]
Way Offline
New Here

Registered: 05/27/07
Posts: 3
Hi Larry,

Thanks for your response. As far as everything goes, I have taken a very clear stand against the violence I have been suffering. We don't engage in the typical "man beats wife" relationship, it's more screaming that escalates into violence. I am a strong woman, and am unafraid to fight for myself and my integrity. Sometimes, I almost feel like I push him to it because I am loud, I do scream, and I'm pretty persistent, especially when it comes to the heroin abuse. But I know there is never any excuse to hit me. More often than not, I fight back, using whatever is nearest to me as a weapon. Sometimes, that's enough to stop it from further, other times, it just agitates the situation. Most of the extreme violence (i.e. punching, spitting, kicking) happens in the car, when we are driving somewhere, and I know there is a reason he only decides to go that far then; I cannot remove myself from the "room" or call anyone for help. My family was witness to him choking me and has since then kept a look-out for anything. My grandfather is usually the one who stops things.

It's so shocking though, because our relationship was never like this up until about 2 months ago. Then it was happening on an almost weekly basis. And it's ridiculous, because 9 times out of 10, the fight starts because I catch him either shooting up or trying to obtain some, and he lies and thinks he'll get away with it, but I insist upon him that I know the truth and beg for him to just tell me. And then it gets violent, with me being to agressor that 1 time out of 10.

I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I grew up in a very medically informed household; both my parents were nurses, and there were many a day when I had the privelege of accompanying them to work. So everything that you mentioned about telling him, I already have. It was really sad watching him equivilate all his little eccentricities to being molested. For instance, he told me the reason he thought he liked smelling my panties or his fingers after touching me was because his uncle had smelled his fingers after penetrating his anus with them. There were a lot of little things like that he told me, but all of it just sounded like things any pubescent boy would do; the hard part though, was seeing just how much the sexual abuse had warped his mind, causing him to believe all these little things were in some way related to or a cause of his past. I made sure to let him know though, that he was completely normal, a victim who had no control over the situation or the wherewithall to even understand what was happening to him, that he was defenitely not the only one and that male sexual abuse encounters are very underreported and undiscussed, and that no matter what had happened to him, I was never going to change the way I saw him or loved him.

His family can be a real burden on his recovery as well. They're pretty white bread and very antiquated; his parents are the age of my grandparents. They don't discuss familial faults or even any real issues, more just chit chat and social heavy alcohol use, though everyone works and maintains a home (I guess as long as they pay their bills, nothing else matters). When he told them, they were supportive, but have kept the whole thing very "hush hush" (despite the fact that this uncle STILL BABYSITS another one of his uncle's 9 year old boy on occasion). One thing that really troubled me was the fact that when he told his father, he called said uncle and after going through his tirade with him, forced Paul to get on the phone to accept an "apology" from this man. He lost it and started freaking out and crying. I know his dad meant well, but they have no clue or desire to find out how my husband is coping with these issues. In the years previous to his coming forward, his parents pretty much ignored the issues eating away at him; his problems went mainly unaddressed until they started losing their valuables when Paul would steal them for drugs, or whatever. And even when he was suffering the depression before coming out, he would try to call and just talk to them and they would be indifferent, or lecturing. It's almost as if they are incapable of communicating in an open and loving manner.

It's a daily struggle with him. I wake up and if he's not right next to me, I immediately get up and go searching for him. I know it's easy because the drugs are literally in our backyard (we live in a bad neighborhood), so I am working towards getting us out of here. I just can't seem to find a way to get him motivated for himself though. He says he wants to change and cries and talks so in depth with me about his plans and ideas, but when it comes to following through, he might do it once or twice and fall right back into things.

It does help to be able to talk about this, especially with people who understand. I want to thank all of you for allowing me to come here and talk about this in a safe, loving environment. Although I may not totally understand your plight, I do feel your pain, and I wish everyone here the very best in recovering from whatever it is that ails you. Thanks again for helping.


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#158630 - 05/28/07 09:22 AM Re: Help! My husband is in a total downward spiral! [Re: Way]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Way,

Reading over your most recent post here I am reminded of how I myself used to minimize the difficulty I was in. I would find ways to convince myself "I can handle it". But I was doing that specifically because I wasn't handling it, if you get my meaning. It's the kind of mental acrobatics that users of hard drugs seem to go through when they begin to realize how bad things have become but can't face the need for a decisive change. And of course that emotional hurricane passes over to those who love them as well.

I just hope you continue to keep alert and look after yourself. Punching, kicking and spitting in the car sounds pretty dangerous to me. Like I said it's a tough cycle to break, and if he's using heroin as much as it seems he is, then he's an addict and the initiative to change things might be beyond him so long as the H is in the picture.

Just some thoughts.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#158818 - 05/29/07 12:42 AM Re: Help! My husband is in a total downward spiral! [Re: roadrunner]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
Way,

Larry is much more tactful than I, and I regret that I can find no tactful way to say this. I think there may be only one solution to your problems with your husband:

Dump the bum!!!

I've seen too many women seriously injured and killed by violent husbands/boyfriends. I won't sit by and say nothing. Nothing you can do will change him. He has to change himself. Get your stuff packed up and get your parents to help you move out. Hire a security guard, if necessary. His violence is escalating, and if you don't get out, it will end in his injuring you very seriously or in his killing you. Then it will be too late.

Get out as soon as possible, preferably yesterday. If I were there, I'd help you move out. Even your parents' house is preferable, but another state is better. Best of all would be to kick him out. I know a relationship is hard to break off, and telling someone to end a marriage is highly frowned-upon, but I hope you will find a way to sever this destructive relationship. It will be painful in the short run, but it may save your life.

Joe

P.S. If you would like more details or information on the cases I was talking about, PM me, and I can provide you with any information I remember.

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#158911 - 05/29/07 01:46 PM Re: Help! My husband is in a total downward spiral! [Re: Chain Breaker]
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
You're 19, he's 20? And you have been together for five years, and live in a bad neighborhood right next to your family. Yes?

How long have you been married? Are there children involved? How long have the two of you been out on your own and self-sufficient? Why will you not press charges against him?

My partner and I were also together as young teens and living on our own at your age. In fact at your age we had two kids. While my partner never abused drugs or became physically violent towards me, he also struggled emotionally with the stress of trying to handle adult responsibilities and full time work while all his friends were just starting to really "have fun." His feelings of missing his glory days were part of how he justified some of his acting out.

At 19, as strong and independent as I was, I had no idea about what my adult life without him would look like or if it was possible. I saw things in black and white; either stick with my choice to be with him and keep pushing the rock uphill, or leave him and basically have to admit that I'd been wrong, and have to start rewriting my life and identity over again from the age of 14 (which was not a place I wanted to be again). What choices do you have, about where you will stay or what you will do next if you press charges or leave him?

You make several statements about what 'kind of person" you are.. do you feel your choices are limited by this? (ie, you are the kind of woman who likes a challenging man, does that mean that a peaceful, monogamous, respectful relationship seems less attractive to you?)

SAR


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#159785 - 06/04/07 08:53 AM Re: Help! My husband is in a total downward spiral! [Re: Way]
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
Hello W,
I agree with Joe ... get yourself the hell out of this relationship as soon as possible. If your husband takes positive steps towards dealing with his problems, you can be there as a friend (on your terms, with you setting the boundaries) and if things improve, you can always rethink your long-term plans and see whether you want to include him or not. But at the moment you need to be safe and to take care of yourself.

One very worrying thing is where you said:

"When he told them, they were supportive, but have kept the whole thing very "hush hush" (despite the fact that this uncle STILL BABYSITS another one of his uncle's 9 year old boy on occasion)"

I think this needs to be taken out of the family's hands. If they are too stupid to see that history will repeat itself, then someone else (you?) needs to call social services and tell them that this boy is at risk.

The way his parents handled that situation was unbelievably bad - a phone call for an apology?? Why weren't they horrified that their son had been abused?? Just out of interest, did the uncle admit what he'd done? Did he apologise? If so, it will make it easier to protect the nephew he still babysits for.

SB x

_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

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#159834 - 06/04/07 01:48 PM Re: Help! My husband is in a total downward spiral! [Re: soapy bubbles]
philobat Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/31/07
Posts: 293
Loc: California
Way-

There is nothing you can do except protect yourself. Addiction is horrible and addicts take hostages. Its that simple.

"Dump The Bum" is very harsh and unnecessary. This man is in extreme pain and the self sabotage through addiction will destroy everyone and everything around him unless he deals with it. You are obviously very much in love with him and Dump the Bum is an unrealistic solution when speaking about matters of the heart.

Intervention, is an option you may wish to discuss with a licensed therapist skilled with this action.

You need to be removed from the situation- possibly having him informed that you will be on the other side of recovery- should he choose that path.

It seems to me that you need to be rescued from this by your support group- then allow him to make his choice.

My heart goes out to you.

It will be tough letting go and allowing him to make his own choice because you want to help him so badly- you may even feel like you would be abandoning him, which is why you need a pro on your team- to guide you through this.

Much love,

Darrell


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#159849 - 06/04/07 04:04 PM Re: Help! My husband is in a total downward spiral! [Re: philobat]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Way,

I think what's missing in the story you tell is a genuine sense of commitment. I don't blame you for being with him since the age of 14; we all make our decisions and then have to live with the consequences. But I would ask you to consider whether the adjectives you use are really just ways of avoiding the conclusion that your relationship, as it now stands, is pretty dysfunctional and not in your best interests.

For example, what is "open and honest" about a relationship in which you live separate sex lives? To me that sounds more like "indifferent and irresponsible", especially if - as I suspect - it's a game plan he confronts you with as a matter of "take it or leave it", as opposed to a subject you two sat down and talked about and came to this decision.

The same with hard drugs. As a former user I can tell you for sure that no woman should be under any illusion as to which is more important - his habit or his relationship.

No one is trying to lecture you here, but the reality is that if you allow him to grab you into the abyss with him, that's what he will do. Not because he's a bad guy. But because a guy in shit as deep as what he's in will avoid the hard decisions until he absolutely has to face them. And also because he has a very immature and self-centered vision of what a relationship is all about.

At the end of the day, girl, if you are prepared to accept all this then you are essentially signalling to him that your feelings and needs don't matter. Not now, and not ever.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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