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#158361 - 05/26/07 07:52 PM LOOKING FOR HELP
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
Well guys I'm all new to this and pretty nervous, i'm not sure how everything works on this site yet but here goes nothing. i realy having trouble writing about my events and verbalizing anything, i don't know sometimes what is real and what is not?


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#158362 - 05/26/07 07:55 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11047
Loc: Denver, CO
Hi hangingon.

Welcome to the site. Take your time in writing out your thoughts. No need to hurry. Share only what you are comfortable sharing. There is no pressure.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#158364 - 05/26/07 08:03 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: FormerTexan]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
thanks this is a great place I hope, i have lots of questions


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#158366 - 05/26/07 08:07 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: FormerTexan]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hello, Hangingon,

Welcome to the MS site. I know that these first few posts can be intimidating, but you are amoung a great group of guys here who know and understand. Writing about the abuse history is difficult early on in recovery, because it is dredging up so much pain that has been stuffed down for a long time. Some survivors question their own memories of events because they happened so long ago, and some of them don't have conscious, ongoing recall of them - what I mean by that, is that they are having recovered memories as opposed to memories which have always been in their conscious memory. That's not uncommon, given the nature of traumatic events such as sexual abuse. The mind did what it needed to do at the time, which for some was to basically put a wall around the memories.

If you aren't already seeing a therapist, then I would recommend it as a trained professional will be extremely helpful in helping you move through all this. There's an excellent guide to selecting one that can be found on the main MS web page.

_________________________
Eddie

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#158367 - 05/26/07 08:08 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
what is the moderator?


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#158368 - 05/26/07 08:09 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
hanginon,
Welcome, sorry you need to be here, but glad you found us. Ask anything, anytime, anyway. We've ALL been right where you are now. These are the greatest guys. We've all traveled this road and they are able and willing to help you in ways that you can't even think of right now. you aren't alone - not anymore. Dive right in.
Paul


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#158370 - 05/26/07 08:11 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: EGL]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
Thanks I am seeing someone one of many I have sen over the last four years


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#158371 - 05/26/07 08:12 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: Paul1959]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
The moderators are guys who keep an eye on things on the board. they are the final word about what goes on here, but mostly they are just experienced guys who have been involved in MS for a long time. they are here to help, protect and answer any question you might have about things on site.
Paul


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#158372 - 05/26/07 08:13 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
i finding out quicking that i should have found this place a long time ago, i just don't know where to start and where to end



Edited by hangingon (05/26/07 08:13 PM)

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#158374 - 05/26/07 08:15 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
why does it say member malesurvivor on some and new here on others


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#158375 - 05/26/07 08:15 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Hangingon,

Welcome to MS. I just want to tell you that the way you feel as you joinus is exactly what we expect to see when a new guy shows up. We have all been there, my friend. There is so much to talk about, but it all feels like a hopeless jumble and there is the nagging fear, Can I really do this?

As Andy has already suggested, just take your time and find your own pace. There's no pressure here; talk about things when you feel able to do so.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#158376 - 05/26/07 08:16 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
Paul I'm not sorry to be here I'm glad to be I almost never made here


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#158377 - 05/26/07 08:18 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: roadrunner]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
some guys are dues paying members of MS.(Member Male Survivor) Others are guys who have come here and registered but are not paying members, others are Junior Members, Guests, etc. doesn't much matter. We're all family.


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#158378 - 05/26/07 08:18 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
Thank-you to all you guys for welcoming me


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#158380 - 05/26/07 08:21 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Originally Posted By: hangingon
why does it say member malesurvivor on some and new here on others


The label under the user name indicates the membership status. For the ones that say "member", they have gone through the full signup process and become a dues paying member. (Which reminds me, I got my renewal notice a couple of weeks ago and I need to get my annual dues paid again!)

_________________________
Eddie

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#158381 - 05/26/07 08:21 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
Well I have a court case that is going to happen in the near future, and i have never been able to verbalize what has happened, I only wrote a small portion of it and have never re-read it. I can't get past it and i have to?


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#158382 - 05/26/07 08:23 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: EGL]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Forgot to add that no one has to pay dues to be here on the public side. There's another set of forums on the Members side that is granted access to if you want to become a member. But again, there's no requirement to and many folks are just as happy here on the public side.

_________________________
Eddie

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#158383 - 05/26/07 08:26 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Originally Posted By: hangingon
Well I have a court case that is going to happen in the near future, and i have never been able to verbalize what has happened, I only wrote a small portion of it and have never re-read it. I can't get past it and i have to?


I understand your fear with verbalizing it. I have written about my abuse history at length, but actually speaking about it to others is quite different. I usually fall apart doing so, but it has gotten better with time. I think the more we say it, the easier it becomes.

_________________________
Eddie

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#158384 - 05/26/07 08:29 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: EGL]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
I'm stil having trouble finishing the story and i want to, i just don't know how to


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#158385 - 05/26/07 08:33 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
To me, it was easier to break it down by individuals, since the sexual abuse came from several different persons, as well as the physical abuse and emotional abuse from my parents. So I just wrote separate histories about each person. Within each history, I just started at the beginning and wrote a narrative of what happened, and more importantly how it made me feel and what it was doing to me emotionally. I think that part is critical to understanding the effects it has on you today.

_________________________
Eddie

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#158386 - 05/26/07 08:37 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: EGL]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
Thanks i will try that since i had more than one as well starting at the age of two


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#158388 - 05/26/07 08:39 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
I don't think there is a therepist in the world not even Dr. Phil that could make me feel they way this fourm has, and understand


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#158389 - 05/26/07 08:42 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Someone once mentioned to me to try and write it like you were a police officer writing their report on the incident, not sure if it was someone here. Just a thought.

Stay strong hangingon
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#158390 - 05/26/07 08:43 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
I agree with you there, hanginon. I saw 3 different therapists, and while they helped me a great deal to understand the past and its effects on me, it really is quite different to be here amongst men who have been through the same thing and really know the same feelings.

_________________________
Eddie

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#158391 - 05/26/07 08:46 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: EGL]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
i'm still not sure how this fourm works hoe do i know if someone has replied? do i just send my reply and wait?


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#158393 - 05/26/07 08:48 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: mogigo]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
thanks i will try that to you are noit far from me/


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#158394 - 05/26/07 08:53 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Originally Posted By: hangingon
i'm still not sure how this fourm works hoe do i know if someone has replied? do i just send my reply and wait?


If you are looking at the forums in Active Topics view (there's a thing about mid way across the top of the forums up there that says Active Topics), then the post with the newest response is at the top and the filter down from there by the most recent. So refreshing your screen will always show the most recent topic at the top. Also, I think there is a way to add topics to a Watched List and you can check them that way under your My Stuff button at the top, but I've never used it. It takes a while to get the hang of the mechanics of the forum, but you'll get used to it. The Active Topics is the easiest way to me to use it.

_________________________
Eddie

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#158396 - 05/26/07 08:59 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: EGL]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
ok thats easier i think


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#158456 - 05/27/07 12:46 AM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
mack Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/07/07
Posts: 101
Loc: new mexico
Welcome Hangingon,
I'm glad you found this site. I have been here for a few months now and you wouldn't believe how its helped. My therapist is thrilled.
Members pay dues and have access to members only areas. Some of us aren't necessarily 'new' here anymore, but have yet to become full fledged members. Either way, this is a great group of men, and women, who are very supportive. I have found that there is nothing you say here that will shock anyone. We've heard it all.
When you're ready, just let it flow.

_________________________
mack

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#158543 - 05/27/07 04:47 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: mack]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
Tanks mack


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#158552 - 05/27/07 06:17 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 979
Loc: HULBERT OK
NO MATTER HOW TERRABLE THAT IT SEEMS YOU ARE NOT ALONE

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#158562 - 05/27/07 08:28 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: OKIE MIKE]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
I feel alone allot, but I gaining some strength from this website, I started writing my story today but I had to stop because there were to many triggers. hope to continue tomorow and until it is done. My biggest fear is that I have forgot some of the details. That sounds strange because i realy do want to forget.


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#158629 - 05/28/07 09:07 AM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
hangingon,

Writing things down is a very empowering experience. As we remember details, organize them and keep revising what we have on the page, we regain a sense of control. We are taking charge, breaking the silence and acting in ways that are good for us - all very important moves forward.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#158645 - 05/28/07 10:35 AM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: roadrunner]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
Thanks Larry:

I guese the problem I'm having is when I get to the actual words that descide what happened. I start triggering and have to stop. I just want to be able to finish this with having to stop or having all the feeling come back.


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#158670 - 05/28/07 12:39 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi hangingon,

Describing the actual details is upsetting for obvious reasons. Something you might try is to write out the whole narrative at a higher level first, and then come back and fill it in with more detail if you think you need to. That will get you past the feeling of being "stuck" and will get you making progress.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#158756 - 05/28/07 08:25 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: EGL]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Hangingon,

I remember that feeling. So many times when I was writing I would just break down in tears. But I needed to do that. I had a lot to cry about, and I had not allowed myself to do so for years. In your case, just remember that you can always stop and take it up again later. Always place yourself first as a priority - your recovery is all about YOU, after all.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#158764 - 05/28/07 08:48 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: roadrunner]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
Larry,

I stoped so many times I don't know if I will ever get done. I part that scares me is the thoughts that I get sometimes that I can't mention here. i just hope I can keep coming here for some hope and maybe some peace. I read some of the stories and wonder how long it took people to write, there all so sad yet happy to see these people are still here to talk about it.
mark


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#158861 - 05/29/07 08:31 AM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
Originally Posted By: hangingon
I stoped so many times I don't know if I will ever get done.


I know that feeling. I also know that there is no rush. We might feel in a hurry to get all these things out, but really, there is no rush. Just take the time you need, and then step back. When you're ready, you'll write some more. Trying to force yourself through it is probably just too hard.

I'm sorry you need to be here, but I'm glad you've found us.

Joe

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#159051 - 05/30/07 10:00 AM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: hangingon]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

Welcome to the club:

Originally Posted By: hangingon
I part that scares me is the thoughts that I get sometimes that I can't mention here.


We ALL get thoughts like that, bro. Like I just said to someone else in a different post today, I wish I had a nickel for every wild, bizarre or gross thought I have had concerning my abuse issues!

Just bear in mind that abuse breaks down a boy's sense of boundaries, and when we try to reconstruct these boundaries our mind has to pick up and examine all sorts of things, including ideas and thoughts we would never act on. What's important is how we respond to those thoughts.

In your case, you are concerned about them and that has led you to talk to others in search of a solution and a safe way forward. Sounds pretty healthy so far as I can see! ;\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#159102 - 05/30/07 04:50 PM Re: LOOKING FOR HELP [Re: roadrunner]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
thanks you guys for the words of encouragement and continued support.

Mark


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