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#158279 - 05/26/07 10:58 AM Needing help, very much triggers
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I need help, I do not know how much to get past of this. My emotions, they are so much they are outside my skin even right now, and I tell a friend, I feel 'raw', he say no, you do not open up enough. I don't know what is right word.

I am drinking, being under the bottle most of last few days, because it is safer choice. My skin feel it is walking off me, I am always right at feeling panick and scared, and most of time it feel I can not breathe right, and the alcohol, I know it is not proper thing to do, proper choice, but it make me to feel more calm, and I can actually sleep, without having fear of who is going to be 'get me' even though I am alone here.

Worst of it, I am feeling very much to want sex, I do not care even about love or relationship right now, I want sex. And I feel bad of myself for wanting it, in 'desperate' way, to be thinking of that there is prostitutes all over this city, or that I can go to a bar at the late hour and find someone. Worst thing, even in my head I think, well my mother is here, I know she would want it. I feel discust of myself to feel that way, but it is in there, it is somethinng in my head, and it make me feel, how much do I not like myself, or not even ccare, that I will just be willing to go back to an abbuser to just get this physical need met. And it make me feel that, maybe ffor much of that time I did want it, and there is me to blame for it happen so long. I feel sick right now, and am drunk, and not drunk enough, or to drunk, I am not sure. But it is wear off some because I can tuype, so maybe I need more. I don't know what to do, to get it all back to 'settled'.

VN


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#158283 - 05/26/07 11:17 AM Re: Needing help, very much triggers [Re: VN]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
((((((((VN))))))))

I am really sorry you're going through this right now. I imagine that part of what you are going through is "reverse culture-shock", where you return home and find that it's different than you remembered, or that you don't like it as much as you thought you would. It can make you feel lost and alone. You need to remember that you are worth taking care of and that self-destructive behaviors are not really helpful -- only familiar. I think some of the feelings you're having get worse because of the alcohol.

Please take good care of yourself and choose better than going to prostitutes. That can be very dangerous. And your mother's house is the last place you should go. Do you have any friends in the area? Do you play chess? You might find a cafe where people play chess or a place where you can just talk to someone without drinking. Another good thing is a good book. If there are books that are familiar to you, they might actually be the best ones to read, as they will help comfort you.

Another alternative, of course, is to post here. Read some of the off-topic posts, or come up with some good or funny things you learned as a boy. Try to sleep tonight without the use of alcohol.

Most of all, just remember that you are loved and appreciated here.

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#158314 - 05/26/07 04:45 PM Re: Needing help, very much triggers [Re: Chain Breaker]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Visha,

I'm really sorry to see you are having such a rough time. When things get bad we search for ways to make things better, and quite often we resort not to things that would help us, but to things we know from our past, even if we know those things can lead us into even worse trouble.

I would be the last person on earth to blame anyone for taking refuge in alcohol; I did that for years. But Visha, alcohol just made things worse for me, and I suspect that's true for you as well. One thing that helped me was to remember that even though drinking might help me right now, in the morning I would feel a lot worse. It is never worth it.

Alcohol certainly won't help if your feelings and fears are running wild. Try talking to safe people and that will help you see that there is no one looking to "get you"; that is a fear left over from when you were younger. This was a danger then, but you are older and stronger now.

As for thoughts about your mother, well, she was one of your abusers, so it's not surprising that thoughts of her are in your head. Other guys who ae brave enough to talk about this problem will tell you that they get the craziest thoughts and ideas in their heads, and that some of these are pretty bad!!!! But often, Visha, what we are thinking about isn't under our control - it comes to us because these are the things we fear. We have no reason to blame ourselves for thoughts that abuse leaves us to think about; what's far more important is what we do about them. You have chosen to talk about them; that's a good thing.

There's nothing wrong with wanting sex. You are a young man, after all, and all of us are sexual beings. Wanting sex is part of who we are; it's natural and healthy. The key is just to find healthy ways of satisfying this desire. Seeking sex with prostitutes would probably make you feel a lot worse about yourself, so this would be a way you should avoid.

Do you have other things to do in your life right now, Visha? We all have talents and interests that are worth exploring, and I'm sure you must have many of these. Activities that allow us to explore our creativity are always a good thing to add to our routine.

Joe's right about posting here, too. It's always a good idea to talk about our problems. Once we do that and our problems are out in the open, they seem somehow to lose a lot of their power over us. I have found this to be true no matter what the problem was. I have also found that I have never had a problem for which guys here would blame or judge me.

We do too much of that, Visha - blaming ourselves. We all tend to tear ourselves to pieces over things that no one else would judge us for.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#158485 - 05/27/07 09:22 AM Re: Needing help, very much triggers [Re: roadrunner]
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
Please let your friends help you, and please talk of things as you need to. I know is hard, more hard for some people then others. But the chioces you are making now, they are not helping you. Please do not call your mother. You know that will just end up to make you feel worse of yourself. If you have to, while you are alone, see if a friend will come over and stay with you for few days, or go to stay with a friend or your sister. Do what you need to do to keep yourself Safe, not to do things that you will much regret later.

Andrei


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#158619 - 05/28/07 07:46 AM Re: Needing help, very much triggers [Re: ak]
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
Thank you very much for the responses and advices. I have a friend that I have spend some time with in last few days. At first I was not sure to call him, as he do not know so much of my past, and so if I say I am wanting sex, he would be kind to say, well, let's go get the women. But I tell him only I am bored and lonely some, and not able to get out to do things so much because of my foot. So he come over some, we talk some, watch movies, just kind of settle my head some. He is a good person, just very 'young' in his thinking, and quite opposite of me in way of wanting to do the 'party' kind of life. But he has been a good friend to spend time with the last few days. I am sure it will be better soon.

VN


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#158626 - 05/28/07 08:53 AM Re: Needing help, very much triggers [Re: VN]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Visha,

I'm so glad you had a good friend who could come over and help you to relax. It's cool. Sometimes ust the presence of a safe person is such a source of comfort and relief.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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