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#158253 - 05/26/07 05:27 AM funny trigger
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
well I suppose funny isn't the right word, but I know sometimes i like to downplay things and pretend it isn't that big of a deal.

tonight i watched a movie w/ friends. we had guy night - which is fun b/c my best friends and i gathered round and watched a gay movie that my friend got via netflix. this specific one was very well written. in it however, there were 2 scenes which affected me greatly. the first involved a father forcing a son to give him a blow job. the second involved a guy being raped by another guy.

I haven't had such a bad trigger in years. this was the kind where I clam up, cry uncontrollably, and felt as if something was in my throat (i'm sure you know what i mean). It was awful. I was proud of myself though -- after coming home and laying on my kitchen floor crying - i went back to my friends house. we talked for over an hour. i've never done that and feel it was a good accomplishment in overcoming walls.

this was very out of the ordinary for me. i turned around about 5 times... twice in the car and three times while going up the steps to his apartment. although my friend didn't really understand - he had compassion. i'm very thankful for him.

i'm also thankful for you guys -- i know this doesn't sound like much to the majority of the world... but i just wanted to share this.

i guess i'm also curious if you guys have had flashbacks as a result of triggers. do you cry uncontrollably like i do? have you ever felt like something is in your body that isn't? i think thats the worst thing in the world -- its as if nothing can change it... not even drinking large amounts of water..

thanks guys - much love to you all
- Nate

_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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#158254 - 05/26/07 05:50 AM Re: funny trigger [Re: Nate]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
Nate,

I have cried uncontrollably for the last few years many times.

i think i know what you mean but i think it changes -


Mark




Edited by markgreyblue (05/26/07 05:52 AM)
_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#158256 - 05/26/07 05:55 AM Re: funny trigger [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
just keep faith Nate -

i mean - we all have moments - like these -

i am glad you had a buddy - who was caring

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#158269 - 05/26/07 07:50 AM Re: funny trigger [Re: markgreyblue]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Nate,

Flashbacks can hit us in different ways depending on lots of different factors. I have had many flashbacks, but recently I had one that I didn't even recognize as a flashback until my T identified it for me.

What's important here, Nate, is that you realize that flashbacks are you coping with a huge emotional surge. It's the mind's way of releasing stuff when there's too much crowding in. Don't take it as an ominous sign or as a proof of failure in any way.

You might also want to try to identify what troubles you enough to throw you into a flashback. Personally speaking, I would avoid any films that are likely to have explicit sexual content. Even if this comes within a worthwhile context, the scene itself can be intense and a huge trigger.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#158289 - 05/26/07 12:09 PM Re: funny trigger [Re: roadrunner]
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
thanks guys - i agree - i don't think i'll be opening myself up to films that have scenes like this... it actually surprised me that this movie had such scenes, but it was also tied within the story line. i like to think i'm better than my abuse as if i can somehow be above it and not let it affect me. does that make sense?

_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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#158299 - 05/26/07 01:42 PM Re: funny trigger [Re: Nate]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
what movie was it?


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#158556 - 05/27/07 06:44 PM Re: funny trigger [Re: Jarrad]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Nate, I also would like to know the name of the movie.
Thanks,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#158558 - 05/27/07 07:28 PM Re: funny trigger [Re: lostcowboy]
cat lover Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/05
Posts: 89
Loc: Denver, Colorado
Hi Nate.

I'm glad you talked through things with your friend. Sometimes friends don't get it, but if had compassion that's important.

For me, the 'flashbacks' I've had have been emotionally triggered (usually) rather than event triggered (but not entirely). The other day I felt the blood rush through my face when in an online news account the town where my rape happened was featured. I have, though, sobbed uncontrollably a couple of times - one was on an anniversary date (the second year out I didn't, cry, but I was entirely stressed out the whole day and not talking to anyone). In order to avoid a trigger when I was still only about 6 months out from this, I decided not to attend a friend's wedding in that state (not sure she understood, not sure she's forgiven me).

Glad that you talked it through.

There's a book I read part of, called "Transforming a Rape Culture." Interesting thoughts in it. Consciousness-raising.


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