Definitely one for the category of 'I had no idea when I got up this morning'.

Yesterday was not such a good day. Woke up pretty depressed this morning and had snatches of a song playing through my head - two lines in particular. The song was 'greatest love of all'.
The two snatches playing through my head were 'the greatest love of all' and 'no matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity'. I couldn't figure out why, and hearing the snatches made me sad and I couldn't pin it down.
Then on the train on the way to work, something clicked. The acting out, this thing that cuts me, that shames me, is not of me. It was something someone else did. It was not my choice, it was not something I wanted. Getting to the core of it: It was not of me.
A very subtle but incredibly important distinction.
I don't know if the acting out will return now. But one thing I do know. It will never hold the same power over me again. Because it is not of me.

Then, I get into work and get called into the managers office. I'm supposed to be on probation until august (new job). And got told that effective the next paycheck, I'm being given a 20% raise. Because, in his view, I'm too valuable to them.

Part of my mind is still staring slack jawed at the day I've just had, going 'huh?' because it hasn't ever seen a day like this.

Dave

Hey that's great Spidey!

Victor

It's great when you are able to "name" things like you did - I find it gives you power over them. Power to change them. Good job! And the raise, well, it just goes to show you we are always worth more than we allow ourselves to believe!!!

Good job!!!!! Congratulations. Enjoy this new plateau and thanks for sharing the good news.

Spidey,

That sounds like a great day, accomplishments on many fronts. The money's gonna be great, I'm sure, but hearing the rationale behind the early raise must be fantastic.

Those words are music.

Congrats!

Joe

Dave

What wonderful words -

When my wife discovered that I had acted out with other guys, and I explained the reasons as best I could she said to me "It wasn't you, it was those bastards leading you there."

My therapist was already telling me this, I had read "Victims No Longer" until the print faded, I'd TRIED to believe that it wasn't my fault.
My wifes incredible words and understanding did it though, I believed from then on.

Up until then I had managed to avoid going acting out for about 18 months, but I struggled at times. After that I stopped struggling, and now - I've just realised it's exactly 5 years to the day since I last acted out, wow ! - I couldn't do it if I tried - it doesn't hold the same power anymore.

It wasn't us.

Dave

This is how my wife was when I first told her about my CSA, the awful things done to me and awful ways I a/o of it.

Five years! Dave that is awesome! WTG Bro!



Damn right it wasn't us bro!

Thanks for the inspiration.

Victor

Yeah, Dave, way to go.

Man, I love hearing good stuff. It gives real hope.

Peace,
James