I was going to post a response, but I realize that my feelings and tendencies were summed up perfectly by deck.

An overriding goal of my life is to not hurt people and to protect my friends. Because of my abuse, my stupid fucking brain views sex as abusive, so it's very hard for me to initiate anything even close to a relationship because I feel like my motivations (an intimate relationship) are bad and selfish.

HAVING sex and being able to heal our self, or reconnect with our spirit for that matter, are very different issues, rather mutually exclusive, so let's not confuse the two.

Having a healthy sexuality, is far more important issue than having an active sex life. One might having active sex life and still might not healed issues regarding abuse, and sex.

As survivors, we have to learn to take life at our own pace, and having sex when we are ready for it or feel like it, is perfectly fine, so no pressure there.

Morning Star

It shouldn't be this complicated but it is even for people who haven't been abused I think. I've always associated sex with violence and bad feelings of punishment. Can I have normal sex without those feelings getting in the way? No.. I just go through the motions and really don't feel much. The only time I really feel alive and connected during sex is when there is some kind of emotional or physical pain involved.

Thanks,
Jess

Jess,

You may still be able to learn to have sex not be painful. I think getting there is just another part of the healing process.

Joe

thanks for the imput guys. i apprecate the insite

Jarrad,

Thanks for a sincere and important observation and question. I enjoyed the whole thread.

It was a great thread!!!

I learned a LOT

Hi Jarrad, I gave you the book answer.
Sexual Anorexics:
Sex is my most terrifying need.
But what does that mean to me personally. Everyone responds differently to what happened to them. What happen to me was rape at knife point, and I was 11 at the time. One of the promises I made to myself was that I would never do that to anyone, and if I did I would kill myself. When I became sexual, it was like I just went nuts. I started when my mom pulled me onto her lap, and I got a hard-on. Also my sex drive don't seem to work like all the guys in the movies I saw growing up (1960-1970) they showed the guy dating girls but not really being interested in them until the one girl comes alone. My sex drive don't work like that, its like for me all the girls that I was attracted to were on (a scale from 1 to ten), they were all 15's. Also it wasn't one girl at a time, it was all of them simotaniously. I didn't even know their name and I wanted to reach out and start touching them. About the only girls I weren't attracted to were the overweight girls. My sex drive was so strong that I was afraid that if I stayed around the girls I would lose control. Also, to me anyway it seemed that all the girls were not attracted to me at all, if they were they hide it very well. So I stayed away from them. All through junior and high school, I kept my nose in a science fiction book. As far as explosions go, I masturbated a lot, it helped to keep me from getting erections when I was around the girls in school. I didn't want any of the girls to see that I had a erection, when I didn't even know their name, let alone if I liked their personality. Another thing is that I am very afraid that I may do something wrong sexually and the girl will leap up and start shouting and screaming that I am a pervert, or worst a rapist! It is my biggest fear that I will lose control of me and become my worst enemy.

There was a early-er incident when I was 5 years old. This girl who was my best new friend, gave me a dare. If I would kiss her thing then she would kiss mine. I said ok, she bared it and I gave it a little peck. Then it was her turn to kiss me, but she said no she wouldn't kiss it because I had not kissed her right. The next day when I came out to play with my friend she wasn't there. See we owned a few resort cabins, we were temporary staying in one. The girl's family was on vacation and had rented their cabin for the whole vacation. When I asked my mother where my friend was she said they got a emergency phone call and had to cancel the rest of their vacation and leave that night. I think the sudden lose of a friend like that, may have drove home the point that if I do sexual things, I could lose my friends. Anyway I never did try to do sexual things when I was growing up, even though I was interested in doing them. That's about all I have figured out so far. No answers yet on how to fix it.

Take care,
Clifford

Sex terrifies me...I feel like I am performing. I want to feel what its suppossed to be like.

okay so if the majority of you have issues with sex, what steps are you taking to overcome it? or are you just letting it be the way it is? like, are you doing the whole therapy thing? or just standing by and say "well thats how i am. and i probably wont change." the thing for me is, i have been with a lot of men for sex and regardless, all the men have been vulnerable. sex makes people vulnerable. i dont care who you are or what your past is. so maybe thats why im still not convinced by some of the reasoning that some of you posted because i think that guys who have not been abused woudl feel the same way. i dont know.. i just taking.. or typing.. outloud.