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#157663 - 05/23/07 02:50 AM not being listened too or believed
hereforus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/06/07
Posts: 82
Loc: usa
I hate not being listend to or believed. i know this is from my abuse, but my question is not being listened to and not being believed one in the same thing or are they different?

_________________________
"I will never forget, nor shall I choose too remember."

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#157665 - 05/23/07 04:20 AM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: hereforus]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
sometimes we need to say things several ways for people to understand them -

it's true - i learned this at work -

when delivering meetings -

i really had to say it so many different ways - it's very frustrating -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#157669 - 05/23/07 05:27 AM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: markgreyblue]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Hereforus,

Your question got me thinking last night, and after a bit of sleep I have this sense of what I want to say about this. I think the feelings of not being listened to and not being believed come from the same place - that feeling of unworthiness that many survivors have.

That is, when we figure we aren't being listened to, our real fear is that we aren't WORTH listening to. I remember feeling that way a lot. I would talk to someone, and their response would be to offer solutions. But that wasn't what I wanted. I just wanted someone to listen. When I thought I wasn't being listened to, the old fear that talking would never help just welled up inside me. My story wasn't worth telling. I was a grownup's sex toy because that's all I deserved. What was there to hear or care about?

Same with being believed. I have to tell you that with all the progress (I think) I have made this one still haunts me. So many times I have hesitated to talk to someone I 100% trust...all because I think there is no way he could ever believe what I need to talk about. And that goes back, again, to that old boyhood feeling of worthlessness. I'm not worthy of belief and all the things belief would bring (support, love, caring, comfort), just as I'm not worth being listened to.

Does this help at all? The bottom line, of course, is that we are all worthy of both these things: being heard and being believed. It's only the old tapes from the abuse days that prevent us from really trusting in that fact.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#157675 - 05/23/07 07:19 AM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: hereforus]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Hereforus,

Whom do you want to listen to you and believe you? And why do you still want to give away your power to 'them'?

Now you have grown up and can listen to yourself, and validate your experiences yourself, very well. And know that it is enough.


Love n Light
Morning Star

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#157904 - 05/23/07 09:08 PM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: Morning Star]
hereforus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/06/07
Posts: 82
Loc: usa
i want my boss to listen to me. she is blamming me for something i have been trying to tell her for two days..............good point. its her problem if she didnt listen. relaps well ill learn from it and move on.

_________________________
"I will never forget, nor shall I choose too remember."

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#157934 - 05/24/07 01:49 AM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: hereforus]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 979
Loc: HULBERT OK
I was not believed , when I reported my rape almost 30 years ago . It was the most devistating thing in my life. It took 25 years to prove my case . I am still looking for the SOB 30 years later because , no one would listen

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#157944 - 05/24/07 08:05 AM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: OKIE MIKE]
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
if u never tell anybody then
u dont hafto worry about not
being believed!

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

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#157978 - 05/24/07 12:46 PM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: Trevor]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trev,

Originally Posted By: Trevor
if u never tell anybody then
u dont hafto worry about not
being believed!


Big hugs, bro, but there's a big difference between saying, "I'm too scared to tell right now", and saying "If I tell I will never be believed". This last way of thinking is kind of like saying "I don't deserve to be believed."

But we all deserve to be believed. I know you will see that one day. Look at all the other things you have achieved, things you never thought you would be able to do. One day you will do this one too. You will know you deserve to be believed.

Not just believed, but supported, understood, helped, and loved just as you, as you are right now.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#157980 - 05/24/07 12:50 PM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: roadrunner]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
yeah morning star -

true herefor us -

people will take that power from you -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#158274 - 05/26/07 08:15 AM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: markgreyblue]
hangingon Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Canada
It took four years for me to finaly find someone who believed my story since it was of a historical nature. My story came back to me in the form of flashbacks 4 years ago I was 2 when this all happened im now 49 it feels like yesterday sometimes. the difficulty I think was that my memories were so graphic and percise that how could a two year old retain all this. The profesionals start to question you you start to question your self. You realize there is no way anyone could make this up and you look for validation anywhere you can find it. Being believed for the first time was a huge burden lifted.The feeling of being misunderstood and believed are two different things but are closely linked in the way we feel about ourselves.


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#158278 - 05/26/07 10:45 AM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: hangingon]
hereforus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/06/07
Posts: 82
Loc: usa
Ok I talked to a good friend of mine last knight. and we talked about what i wrote. not being listened to and not being believed are two different things. hangingon and Larrry and others have commented on "no being believed" what about not being listoned to?

what you all said about not being believed is right on. but not being listened to for me is much worse, and last knight the answer may have been found at too why. when people dont listen to you, it devalues you. and that hurts when a survivor is working on self worth or when a survivor has worked hard at self worth. i have worked hard to know what i am worth and evertime some one dose not listen to me or "hear me out" then it not only hurts me as a survivor but it hurts things i have worked hard for as a survivor.

love ya stacks,
kirk

_________________________
"I will never forget, nor shall I choose too remember."

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#158287 - 05/26/07 12:04 PM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: hereforus]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i think if we talk about it to normals they have their defenses also ,you know they have walls to and to them the world has to be a certain way or they just go off the rails,when we talk?their world goes off the rails .so they tune us out and who can blame them ?reality sucks but its our currency,its our world the one without the rose colored glasses,this is real ,we are real ,but if they listen their world might just burst apart like some rotten fruit. its almost like when you were little and found out santa wasnt real you know?we have the power to destroy the illusion of safety,its not why we talk but i think it is why they wont listen . lots of people go through their whole life without ever knowing what lurks just outside their front door,unlike us when they are faced with reality ,they just wanna slam the door and never come out again ,we had the guts to step out there even knowing that evil lives there. so we let them have their little safe dream world ,i think they wont listen or believe ,because they are afraid of the truth ,if they believe us then their illusion is destroyed. they dont wanna know that santa isnt real.

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#158288 - 05/26/07 12:07 PM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: shadowkid]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
its not us they are afraid of its themselves its not our weakness they fear its theirs ,cause most of them know if they were in our shoes they coud not survive .

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#158320 - 05/26/07 05:09 PM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: shadowkid]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Kirk,

I think that many people who have not gone through the prolonged trauma and stress that come with a problem like CSA just don't understand how important it is for the survivor to feel he is being listened to.

After all, what do we want when we say we want others to listen to us? For me, I think what I want is to get the message back that my feelings and anxieties are important, and that how I feel counts for something with someone. If I pour out my heart to a friend and his response is to offer solutions, I think shit, that's not what I wanted. You're not listening. I feel the same way if I talk to my wife, for example, and she replies by saying that I do this or that too much. Damn it! You're not listening.

I guess genuine listeners (if that's a word) are a special rare category in the world. Perhaps you have to go through the experience of desperately needing someone to listen to you before you can appreciate how important it is to listen to others. It has helped me to understand that if someone doesn't seem to be a very good listener, that doesn't mean he doesn't care. The two things are really very different.

Much love,
Larry


_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#158454 - 05/27/07 12:34 AM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: roadrunner]
hereforus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/06/07
Posts: 82
Loc: usa
like Larry was saying, but in other words, some one can "hear" you but not "listen" to you. they hear the words but do not comprehhend what you are saying.

Now, when I am talking to my father he refuses to listen or hear me. He treats me like im not even there. this hurts so much more than just not being listened to. my father was one of my perps althoug it was not csa. I fought back at age 16. after that he had little to nothing to do with me. we still talked every once in a while, but then the only problem i had with him was he would not listen to me. when i came out to my parents that im gay. he stopped hearing me, fact is he still wont look at me or touch me. three years later we are at least talking again even if he wont listen to me.

my mother hears me but 9 times out of ten times she will not listen to me. and when things go wrong after i tried my best to tell them, i get the blame, not that, that is any different from when i was growing up....I was forced to say "It's my fault, i was wrong. you did nothing worng, because your perfect. i'm the stupid one. It's my fualt." my mother made me repeat this for anything that went wrong with our family. even if she cuased or most of the time provoked it. (yes she would make things go wrong) I hated her for that for a long time, that and having to read her mind to know what it was that i did wrong. sorry went off on a different topic there. i guess i needed to get that out.

love ya stacks,
kirk

_________________________
"I will never forget, nor shall I choose too remember."

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#158492 - 05/27/07 10:03 AM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: hereforus]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Kirk,

Someone has been waiting to talk to you, for years now. Talk and listen, to your inner self; and set yourself free.

Love 'n Light

Morning Star

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#158507 - 05/27/07 11:10 AM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: Morning Star]
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
When I first started to talk about it online, I was afraid I wouldn't be believed too... I was so relieved when all I got was support.
I told my father about his friend when I was 12 all I got was him beating me up and saying stuff like I can't believe you would lye about such a thing and all. So I kept it a secret until I was 15 and school sorta squezed it out of me.

Of course it hurts when someone doesn't listen to you... You tell them such a huge thing, wich is really hard to talk about anyway and then people act like they don't care or like it's no big deal.
I guess that's their way of protecting themselves, taking the coward way out; deciding not to believe or just ignore it so they won't have to deal whit it. Much easier..

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

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#158519 - 05/27/07 01:37 PM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: Alexander]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 979
Loc: HULBERT OK
Alex , your father beat up the wrong person

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#158843 - 05/29/07 02:57 AM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: OKIE MIKE]
hereforus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/06/07
Posts: 82
Loc: usa
i think being devalued, such as not being belived or listened to is a major problem for survivors. we have a hard enough time believing we are worth something!

I dont know why it is so hard for others to see how much not being believed or listened to hurts us.

_________________________
"I will never forget, nor shall I choose too remember."

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#158853 - 05/29/07 06:22 AM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: hereforus]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home

FEAR OF GETTING HURT or humiliated, keeps us rooted in our past childish behaviours of trying to be pleasing and keep the peace around, so much so that we often hurt our best interest just trying to become acceptable to others, which is a form of manipulation by the way.

We loose power to the external world as we want power from it. When some listens to us, or gives value to us or what we say, if that gives us a sense of personal power or boosts our self esteem, then when it is gone or no longer available we would naturally feel powerless.

That is when we realize that giving away power is a choice, so is self approval.

When we start deriving from within, and our ability to control our inner environment rather than external world, we come into our real power centre.

In the end, we all, as adults have to learn to build our own self esteem based on how we value ourselves, and not on how others value or praise us.

And unless we learn to do that we remain dependent on others and hence remain vulnerable to their rejection and manipulation.

Hurt at not being heard arises from our need for being heard, or being valued or listened to, and when we start doing that ourselves, we stop getting hurt, as other people loose that hold over us.

Morning Star


_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#159002 - 05/30/07 01:32 AM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: hangingon]
scotia1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/27/07
Posts: 81
Well Guys, I too have felt as if no one was listening to me for years. However, like Mark… said “sometimes we need to say things several ways for people to understand them” . I have been trying to explain to my family, friends, police and other authorities about my sexual abuse for 20 years now. I have tried in many many different ways. I went to the police 14 years ago and it has really only been in the last year or so that people are starting to understand. Why? I don’t know. All I know is I believe in what I am doing and I keep it up because I believe. I believe in me. I believe my abuser was wrong, not me. I believe that all abusers are wrong, not the children. I believe the general society is basically wrong about the way it views child sexual abuse. I believe most of my family is wrong about the way they view CSA. We are right and they are wrong, period! Most people are simply ignorant about CSA. We must figure out a way to make them understand, that’s the way I see it.

Sorry for putting things so bluntly.

Scotia


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#159035 - 05/30/07 08:52 AM Re: not being listened too or believed [Re: scotia1]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Guys,

I was very lucky in that when I disclosed to my parents two years ago I was talking to two people who had been through the 60s and 70s as adult leaders in a local youth coffeehouse run by our church. They had seen the whole gamut of hellish issues that kids could endure, and they were well aware of the terrible fear that young people have of not being believed. So when I disclosed to them they had the resources and experience to see in my situation a re-enactment of what they were already pretty familiar with.

If they had not had that experience they might have reacted to me differently, who knows. But would that have meant that they cared for me less, or loved me less? I don't think so.

What I'm getting at here is that we are ALL struggling with issues that society doesn't yet take as seriously as it should. There has been professional awareness since the mid-80s, but still, I think it's fair to say that the sexual abuse scandal in the Catholic church that began a few years ago exploded into a social world that wasn't at all ready for it, or aware of what might be happening right under its nose.

What that means for us is that when we find that we aren't believed, or not listened to, we are in large part running up against this element of ignorance. Society hasn't yet processed the information that has been available for the past few years, and when a specific individual fails to believe us or take us seriously that may just reflect this broad ignorance. That is, it doesn't necessarily relflect some callous disregard or evil intent on the part of that person.

Sure, there are plenty of toxic and dangerous people out there and we do need to be wary of them. But perhaps it's also useful to recognize that so far as awareness of CSA is concerned, WE ourselves are the pioneers in bringing this to the attention and action it needs. There really are hordes of people out there who just "don't get it".

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#159301 - 06/01/07 03:26 AM Why do you feel not being listened to or believed? [Re: Morning Star]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Kirk,

Have you noticed how easily we hush up our inner voice, as a mere overreaction or doubt it so easily? It is actually disrespecting and denying our inner voice, no wonder so many of us feel ‘not heard enough’ and valued or respected.

We are never overreacting enough when we are responding our body’s innate defense mechanism - the intuition. Feeling awkward, uneasy, or queasy are clear signs that something is a miss.

And if we slow down enough we would all be bale to read the signs, it is just that we allow logic or reason to have its way above intuition.

Morning Star

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#159501 - 06/02/07 05:44 PM Re: Why do you feel not being listened to or believed? [Re: Morning Star]
hereforus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/06/07
Posts: 82
Loc: usa
i know what you mean ms. i have to work hard at slowing myself down. and once again it pays off. my company did listen to me again. (do they ever learn?) i had a bad feeling about his load before i ever left to pick it up. i said "no im not taking this" they put it on me anyways. so i left to go pick it up. the trailer is broke. after hours of waiting for the repair man to show up, they tell me they wont have the part till monday. i called my boss and he said i can now drop the trailer where it sits and go for food. (i have not eatn in a few days...no money..i had to "not be nice" to get him to give me an authorization number for a company check so i can eat. oh and i had no money coz the company screwed up my pay again. they said they can fix it monday i told them about the problem on thursday!) i had to slow myself and let fate take over again. when will people learn to listen? gggrrrr

love ya all stacks
kirk

_________________________
"I will never forget, nor shall I choose too remember."

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#159503 - 06/02/07 05:48 PM Re: Why do you feel not being listened to or believed? [Re: hereforus]
hereforus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/06/07
Posts: 82
Loc: usa
another point on the side of abuse.... What will it take to get people to listen and believe?

_________________________
"I will never forget, nor shall I choose too remember."

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