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#155009 - 05/08/07 11:17 AM You guys were right (tears)
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY

Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: April 05, 2003
Posts: 228
Loc: NYC Aboyt all the thisg that you guys suggestsed, I made a BIG mistake and got hurt-again!

There where these 2 nice guys, a couple, who began to hit on me, I euess 'Youth Is a Big commodity in the homoexual world' and anyway they invited me back to ther place and said "don't worry, it's only accople of blocks a away." A this point no red flags came up some I;efy with the younger of the ywo of them, he was maybe mid to tplate 30's and his BF about 50.

BTW, will I was at the bar I was it on bo sooo many guys-not that I was really attracted to anyone of rhem but It felt really GOOD to be LIKED by sombody and I think I made some friends in the prosseces. But I did not relize at the time that that most gay relationships are about physical atrraction rather than heartfelt atracction.

BTW, GTRAFiC MAY BE A TRIGGER TO SOME
So anyway, back to the older couple, I left the bar having had only one drink, so I was Prettry clear headed. Their Apt. was more than a cople of bocks away, more like 10, anyway one we go itside, I was amazed at how beutiful and posh it was: stained ock walls, peesian tapastries, marble and grainite kitchcken and brase coverings to everything. I thought we where going to talk and sit down a for a while but befor I knew it he was kssinging me and taking my shirt of--and a first I thouhght this is what I wanted, but it was all happening so fast.

His older partner walked in and and saw us both half naked and quickly got undressed and asked me if I would like a drink and used this opertunity to pull away an say the first thing that came to my mouth......ahhhhh um vodka/tonic please, from the counerof my eye I could see him add NO ice and fill the glass about 90% straight vodka with only a splash of vogka (think 4 martini's). So I took a sip and choked on it and mumbled it's a bit strong, he on'y mildly replied. "oh...is it?"

Right then I could begin to feel that somthing was wrong like I had been lured there to be trapped and all they wanted was sex-mayby if one follows one guy home from a bar that is the expectation, by not in my hetero rlationships.

But for some reason I pursed thinking mabe I cold revisit the past somehow and in my mind chande the memory.

I told ment that no condoms-NO sex and that was final! "Even with oral the older one replyied" and I everything and didn't budge standing ther naked! wreid I was compleatly naked in front of 2 strange men and did not feel emarassed as if I had some sort of power over them- I mean I never used to take showers in high school for feeling to embarassed to and there I was.

So the younger one said quickly we have condoms all over the place and in tens sec's flat was back, the older one put it on and to me to 'suck it' and so I did Not feeling good or bad on particular and then the yonger one began to sum mine but didn't get hard-at all-nada- so then the said it would be better it the bedroom where they had a gaint plasm HDTV and prececed to pay hard core gay sex which was a tunrn off for me but I did not say anything.

So I continued going downon the older on I'll call 'K' for now, an dhte younger onr 'B' forn now on.

So B' ask if he could enter me anallyaal and at first I said no and was very relulctant, but he said he would take it slow and I=he did and it didn't hurt so bad, not like when I was a kid.

But then K, shoved some bottle of liquid under my nostrill and the wold became a daze and he started to talk really dirty to me saying things like: yeah I knen you were a fagboy the moment I laid eyes on you, you love to suck my fat cock, don't you. and that started to make my mind drifit to when I ways I little kid like some of the things my second perp used to say to my while raping me, and then all of a sudden he grabbed my head and pushed down had so that I was choking and feel his thing in the back of my throught and he started shouting 'swallow that cock' 'swallow " "' over and over and BAM was 8 years old again and could not move I just froze up for a few seconds and then I started to squerm and fight and he let got and I shot up and off the bed and said I CAN'T DO THIS! I was shaking and and tears were running down my cheecks.

I dont wanna talk about this anymore!
K asked for my ID and I said that was almost 18 (knowing full well that I was newly 26 but have been told in the past that I don't look a a over 16.

K said he was sorrry but I did not believe him for a second he is just sadistic and did not want to get in trouble.

B, on the other hand, I think felt trully sorry and gave me his personall number 'just in case I need anything.' He gave me a robe and got or him self and we went out sier on thier blacony, perfet view of times square , he handed me a ciggarette and without going into any detail I told him that I was hurt sexually when I was very young, he got my drift and knew what had just taken place I had not enjoyed at all

When I got back to my apt. I sat in the dark afterter taking 50mg of valium and shuddered and shook and cried all night 'till dawn and then cried mydelf to sleep. my entire pillow was soaked in tears.

that is all I can wright for now. I only wish I had followed all your guys advice and wish I had a friend that did not demand sex in return.


Logan

ps I think that Is all I really want-Friends

_________________________

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#155011 - 05/08/07 11:24 AM Re: You guys were right (tears) [Re: Logan]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Logan, I am so sorry this happened to you. You have all kinds of friends here who don't want anything from you except your friendship. Please, take care of yourself today and know that we all love you. Stay strong brother.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#157214 - 05/20/07 08:00 PM Re: You guys were right (tears) [Re: mogigo]
cat lover Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/05
Posts: 89
Loc: Denver, Colorado
You are right to keep your boundaries and insist on them - safer sex only, no sex if you don't want it or change your mind. A great book I which helped me with the boundaries piece was "Love Does No Harm: Sexual Ethics for the Rest of Us." There's a section in there about keep boundaries even during sex, that it's okay to change your mind and ask to stop and have that be respected at any point. Good for you!

In some states, what happened to you is technically rape. I don't know the laws for New York but it could be worth checking out.


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#157593 - 05/22/07 08:19 PM Re: You guys were right (tears) [Re: cat lover]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Logan,

If you were telling all this to a T and I were the proverbial "fly on the wall", here's what I would hope he would tell you. It would be great if he told you to try to avoid judging yourself and drawing conclusions about yourself that can only do you harm. Sure, there are lessons to be learned here, but work through them without tearing yourself apart.

Most of all, in this context, look at what you say at the end of your post about wanting friends. You have every right to want that, and there is no reason why you need to offer guys more in order to gain their friendship. If you are tempted to think otherwise, or act otherwise, remember that this is one of those false lessons from abuse, which teaches a kid that sex is all he has to offer to others. It isn't true, Logan.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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