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#156753 - 05/17/07 08:27 PM Family pressuring me about marrying/having kids.
Whicker Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Pastures of Oregon
Cripes, but I just finished typing-out a Post, only to see it disappear when I tried to preview it!?
I'll try one more time, and if it don't work, I'm hanging-up my keyboard for the night.

When I was younger, before the memories of the SA began to resurface, there were two things I KNEW I would never do-
1)Marry anyone I couldn't 100% trust. (yeah, I know, talk about high expectations, huh?)
2)Have biological children.

The reasons for these two statutes are many, and most don't apply to the issue of SA, so I won't waste any time here talking about them.
However, after I came home from Active Duty in the Marines, my Mother began nagging me, "When are you going to find a nice girl and settle-down?" After about a decade of hearing this, I finally just sat her down and explained that if/when I did, I would, but until then, DON'T hassle me about it anymore! Amazingly, it worked, and she hasn't mentioned it again since.
Now, my Sister, for some reason, has begun to hassle/pressure me to find someone and raise some kids. She has been in three serious relationships, and has two young-adult children herself. Trying to evade/ignore her jibes proved fruitless, and she finally pissed me off enough to prompt me to write a letter to her. In the letter, I included a story that I wrote when the SA memories first started returning. It is pretty obvious about what happened to me as a kid, and again, horribly, as a young adult.
So, I've let the proverbial 'Genie' out-of-the-bag, and now I'm extremely agitated about how she'll respond, and what/how I should comment.

I don't know if this is the right place for my Post or not, but any ideas or comments you might have will be extremely appreciated!

Thank You for your time and consideration.

Whicker

_________________________
Esse Quam Videri
(To be, rather than to seem)

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#156771 - 05/17/07 10:52 PM Re: Family pressuring me about marrying/having kids. [Re: Whicker]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi, Whicker,

Family - imagine what we could do without them, eh? Great going there with your mom and getting her to back off. I had a issue with my own mother a couple of years ago in which I finally had to just tell her to back off as well. It worked, too.

As to your sister, she may be shocked, and she may start asking a LOT of questions. Now is the time for you to draw your boundaries and decide what you will and will not tell her. It's time for you to have control over your story, so do not let her take that control away from you.

_________________________
Eddie

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#156904 - 05/18/07 11:29 PM Re: Family pressuring me about marrying/having kids. [Re: EGL]
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Whicker,

I agree with Eddie-- good job drawing the line with your sister and mom and letting them know that you don't care to be bothered about this topic any longer.

It's okay to want to give people close to you reasons for your behavior, but really, having children is a life-changing, lifetime commitment and I don't think anyone should have to justify NOT wanting to have children, except to a spouse or future spouse (who obviously has a stake in the matter). It's really no one else's business why you do or don't have kids.

I hope you'll keep us posted as to your sister's response.

SAR


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#157199 - 05/20/07 06:02 PM Re: Family pressuring me about marrying/having kids. [Re: SAR]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Whicker,

My wife and I got that too, especally from my mother: "You ARE our only son you know." Errrkkkk!!!!! Like you and Eddie, what i finally had to do was just advise Mom that we would begin thinking about a family when we were ready and that decision would be ours alone. She got the hint and backed off.

Good luck in dealing with your sister. Just remember that you don't owe her any further information, and in fact you didn't owe her what she knows already. It's always good to be cautious, since once your information is "out there" you no longer have any control over what is done with it.

Mcuh love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#157375 - 05/21/07 09:31 PM Re: Family pressuring me about marrying/having kids. [Re: roadrunner]
Whicker Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Pastures of Oregon
Thank You all for replying.
I do need to work on the boundaries part, and yes, I am apprehensive on just how my sister will take it, and what she'll do with the knowledge. I am the eldest of my family of 5 sibs, with one younger sister and three brothers.
The shame/embarrassment I feel is still severe, and I hope I won't end up rueing the day I let the secret out.
*sighs*
It usually takes a few weeks for my sis to reply, but I'll post her reaction when it happens.

Thanks again for your advice and suggestions!

Whicker

_________________________
Esse Quam Videri
(To be, rather than to seem)

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