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#157312 - 05/21/07 02:28 PM Re: Forgiving but not forgetting [Re: pain4ever]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
Originally Posted By: pain4ever
"BTW, I think "coming to terms" is really synonymous with forgiving."

No not really...to me...it means I accept what happenned but has nothing to do with forgiveness.

Fair enough. But what about coming to terms with my emotions? Is there really a point to holding on to the pain and the rage? I think we can remember the trauma and the abuse without having to relive the actual pain and rage. As long as I hold on to pain and rage and bitterness, I am allowing my abuser(s) to continue to have power and control over me. Denying my perp that privilege is what allows me to go on. The only way I know to do that is by actually forgiving, or voluntarily giving up my right to seek an accounting.

This may not be for everyone. I know some people would rather hold on to the anger because it just feels too hard or feels wrong to let it go. If you currently feel that way, I would just say, never say never.

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#157316 - 05/21/07 02:45 PM Re: Forgiving but not forgetting [Re: Chain Breaker]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11183
Loc: Denver, CO
"I know some people would rather hold on to the anger because it just feels too hard or feels wrong to let it go."

Personally, I'd rather let it go if at all possible. Being pissed all the time takes energy I would rather redirect to other things. Plus, I fear pushing people away if they see me getting pissed all the time, which used to happen a lot more often in the past.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#157318 - 05/21/07 02:54 PM Re: Forgiving but not forgetting [Re: Chain Breaker]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
I have let go of the anger but I will never "forgive" them for whats happenned to me. I am good with myself but not with my perps.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#157319 - 05/21/07 02:57 PM Re: Forgiving but not forgetting [Re: FormerTexan]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I think foregiveness gave me a way to strike back as well, I'm above your hurt and violence. You can hurt me but I won't retaliate. Kind of a what does that say about you slap in the head. You may not care, but know that I think you will care. Just by me letting go tells you that I think you will be punished enough without any violence or hurtful behavior from me. A non-violent protest if you will.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#157320 - 05/21/07 02:58 PM Re: Forgiving but not forgetting [Re: FormerTexan]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
I cry from it...the anger that is...I feel as if I let it go, I am forgiving by proxy.

I wont let that happen to Robbie.

I will not let what they did be accepted...even though I accepted those bastards later on in some sick ways.

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#157321 - 05/21/07 02:59 PM Re: Forgiving but not forgetting [Re: mogigo]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
I have let go and stare in the face of one of my perps weekly, smile and think in the back of my head....YOU DID NOT GET TO ME!!! Screw you...I am fine!

Sorry...its what I think.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#157325 - 05/21/07 03:34 PM Re: Forgiving but not forgetting [Re: Chain Breaker]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Quote:
suffice it to say that forgiveness means giving up one's emotional burden associated with a past wrong -- choosing not to seek an accounting. It is, in one sense, very irrational, but it is also very rational.


The only reason I forgave a beast that took away my life was because I did not want to dissolve in anger and hate.
I think its more an act of forgiving ourselves, they will be
judged ultimately for their heinous deeds,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#157330 - 05/21/07 04:01 PM Re: Forgiving but not forgetting [Re: reality2k4]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
Originally Posted By: RobbieBrown
I cry from it...the anger that is...I feel as if I let it go, I am forgiving by proxy.

I wont let that happen to Robbie.

I agree that you shouldn't let that happen to Robbie. Let him be the one to release the anger. Let him be the one to "forgive". Then it's not "happening to him". It's his choice. And let it happen on his timeline . . . but never say never. Parenting is more than just protecting. It is also giving good counsel and teaching. If Robbie is the one who says "never", then you can teach him to be open to the possibility, but make sure he knows you will not force it on him.

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#157333 - 05/21/07 04:46 PM Re: Forgiving but not forgetting [Re: pain4ever]
GWsurvives Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 251
Loc: Atlanta, and here, among othe...
It may, however, mean, "I leave you, perp(s) to the judgment of a just God" or "I have carried the burden of your wrongs long enough, and I leave you alone with them; from today on, you have no power over me; I choose not to press charges."


I love this defintion....
GW

_________________________
"Some times there just aren't enough rocks" Forrest Gump

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#157337 - 05/21/07 05:13 PM Re: Forgiving but not forgetting [Re: GWsurvives]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
We've had this discussion several times, and those that have been here a while know exactly where I stand on this topic.

We've had dictionary definitions of the word and some quite intense discussion on the topic.

This time though, I'll leave it to those of you who may not have been in on the discussion before (unless someone comes on telling us that we must forgive).

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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