Newest Members
Stormchaser, johnnyc717, bluebook, Roscoe, SJC
12314 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
clutzygurl (22), dun (50), Gene (50), ufp1964 (50), Zoot (68)
Who's Online
5 registered (5 invisible), 17 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12314 Members
74 Forums
63355 Topics
443023 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#157243 - 05/21/07 12:03 AM Trying to make this relationship work. *triggers*
bisulatino Offline
Member

Registered: 03/11/03
Posts: 70
Loc: San Diego, CA
Hey brothers,

Mostly I am writing this to let out some steam but I also would like support and any advice that can be offered. I may or may not come back to this post with updates as things progress. There will most likely be sexual content, among other triggers.

A while ago I made this post in the main forum when my boyfriend told me he cheated on me and I was having a horrible time dealing with it. Now we are trying to work things out and keep this relationship going. We have been seeing a counselor together for about 4 weeks now and are discovering a lot about each other and our relationship. The days have been getting better but still we have conflicts once and a while and when we do I tend to feel they are really bad. He doesn't really get mad at me and treat me badly. Mostly I get angry at him, don't talk to him and/or leave his house or get dropped off at mine.

This weekend has been pretty shitty. Saturday I had a football game (I play flag football in a gay league) and I hurt my back during the game. I had plans to visit a friend out of town and go to magic mountain (theme park) but because my back was hurting so badly I decided to call it off, much to my own disappointment. My boyfriend came over Sunday night, put some ice on my back and slept with me, that made me feel really loved.

Sunday morning we woke up and had sex. I bottomed for him, something that I still am not completely used to or comfortable with but am starting to enjoy and feel safe doing. I tend to talk pretty dirty while I am bottoming, probably because the physical feeling of it is not a huge turn on for me, so I try to find some mental stimulation. Well he eventually lost his erection and we stopped. I asked him about it and he said it was the dirty talk, that is sounded fake or porn like. He said something, jokingly, to the affect that he wanted me to keep my mouth shut. I felt terrible at this point, it was MY fault he lost his erection. Well, we started being intimate again and eventually we started going at it again, but after a while it just became too sore for me and we had to stop. After we finished, he mentioned something about my bottom having dry skin and maybe he could apply some lotion there for me to help it be dry.

I don't know what happened, but I started feeling really angry at him. It was like the "dry skin" comment was the last straw. So what if I have dry fucking skin, does that make me a terrible partner? I began to get angry at his criticism of my dirty talk as well, so I have to force myself to shut up? We went to church together and afterwards I could feel myself getting even more upset; I wasn't saying much to him. We went to breakfast together and I was outright ignoring him. He asked me why I wasn't talking to him, I said we would talk about it later, and he mentioned that it hurt him for me not to talk to him.

To be honest I felt screwed. After the cheating incident, I have been communicating a lot how I feel while on the other hand he almost never communicates how he feels. He prefers to sweep things under to rug, that "dwelling" on things is not healthy. So here I am, angry at him and yet finding myself confused because I if I try to work it out with him through words he is only going to be further upset with me.

After breakfast he took me to my house. I told him I was angry at him. He said he didn't understand why, but he had to get to work and so we would talk about it later. I wanted to talk about it at that point, but he shut me out. I was pissed, I said ok, we'll talk about it later, got out of his truck, went into my house and fell asleep because I felt horribly depressed. I was afraid this relationship was going to fall apart. I was afraid that it would continue to be one painful conflict after another. I was really afraid of being left alone.

There so many issues here including the cheating, my CSA and my physical/emotional abuse from my parents, plus my boyfriends issues. I am also feeling restless because I just got a new job which is very stable, my life feels like it is settling down, like all that's left is buying a house and from that point on nothing else interesting is going to happen. I haven't done anything fun like going camping or to a theme park in what seems like forever.

I just want some hope back, I miss that feeling that life is great and there are so many great experiences ahead of me.


Top
#158076 - 05/24/07 09:36 PM Re: Trying to make this relationship work. *trigge [Re: bisulatino]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi bisulatino, How are you doing? I was hoping some of the other guys would have answered you by now. You may remember me, I am the straight guy who was talking to you about crushes a while back. Is this the same guy, not important, just wondering. How is the couples therapy going? It sounds like you still have unresolved anger at him. Not even sure you should be having sex with him right now. Your relationship with him has had a major set back, maybe he needs to start over from square one, in other words date you all over again.

Quote:
He prefers to sweep things under to rug

In my relationship with my wife, I was the one who cheated, three of the times were only fondling under the influence of lots of alcohol, and one was a affair with a gay guy. I would like to sweep them under the table, or discuss them with her, but the only thing she wants to do is yell and scream about it. She only knows about two of them, the first one in 1985 and the last one with the gay guy in 1995. I am going to cut this short before I take your thread over.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

Top
#158154 - 05/25/07 09:32 AM Re: Trying to make this relationship work. *trigge [Re: lostcowboy]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
not to be mean, but most of that just sounds like typical gay drama. (we are higher strung then our straight conterparts) yeah, we all have bad sex experiences and hold grudges about it. i dont know you at all, nor your boyfriend, but gay guys are notrious for cheating on each other. i think its almost a prerequisit. im gathering there are issues of abuse that come up when someone talks down to you but he probably didnt mean anything by it when he was commenting on your dry skin issue. he might have even thought he was helping. (and lotion is a great thing for foreplay.) so i think next time a situation like that happens, just stop and think his motives behind the comments. i doubt it is to hurt you.


Top
#158290 - 05/26/07 12:16 PM Re: Trying to make this relationship work. *trigge [Re: Jarrad]
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
Originally Posted By: Jarrad
gay guys are notrious for cheating on each other. i think its almost a prerequisit.


no one deserves to be cheated upon. gay relationships don't have to hold this prerequisit.

_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

Top
#158300 - 05/26/07 01:47 PM Re: Trying to make this relationship work. *trigge [Re: Nate]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
i never cheated on a bf - jarrad -

not to get personal - but a lot of gay guys that I have known hold do not hold that standard -

'people' cheat jarrad. gayness has nothing to do with it. i know what you are saying - in terms of flexible relationships -

but i also know - the agreed open thing - is not a gay thing - it is also straight -

i have no need for that

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#158301 - 05/26/07 01:51 PM Re: Trying to make this relationship work. *trigge [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
but no judgements for others needs -

a girl in highs school's parents were open - to others -

and then a gay guy i knew - divorced his husband in Miami -

after being so dissapointed.

i think people have to agree on things - and then if they want a change

they have to talk about it -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#158302 - 05/26/07 01:53 PM Re: Trying to make this relationship work. *trigge [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
honesty is really important -about that - especially if you want a safe

place to be'your home'

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#158303 - 05/26/07 01:57 PM Re: Trying to make this relationship work. *trigge [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
look - bisulatino - the cheating thing bothered you

to hide it and then let it build up - kind of does that -

blow up thing -

i think?

it's good to 'get it out' if it bugs you - and then seems unfair to blow up at small thing

but - it's good your talking about it -

i think it's time maybe to decide what you can really 'stand' - and what you can't



Edited by markgreyblue (05/26/07 01:59 PM)
_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#158304 - 05/26/07 01:57 PM Re: Trying to make this relationship work. *trigge [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
and have that talk -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#158305 - 05/26/07 02:05 PM Re: Trying to make this relationship work. *trigge [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
sorry - all these things are coming back

from therapy and who i heard talking - this is a good thread -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#158306 - 05/26/07 02:13 PM Re: Trying to make this relationship work. *trigge [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
some guys - 'play together' to keep it a 'safe thing' -

again - it's individual - we all have our tolerance of ...

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#158307 - 05/26/07 02:16 PM Re: Trying to make this relationship work. *trigge [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
and then the couple owners of the B & B in Ptown said -

about relationships "I don't get that - our life is really about each other and life we make together"

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#158309 - 05/26/07 03:02 PM Re: Trying to make this relationship work. *trigge [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
sorry i took this post over -

apologies

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#158310 - 05/26/07 03:17 PM Re: Trying to make this relationship work. *trigge [Re: markgreyblue]
bisulatino Offline
Member

Registered: 03/11/03
Posts: 70
Loc: San Diego, CA
Originally Posted By: lostcowboy
Hi bisulatino, How are you doing? I was hoping some of the other guys would have answered you by now. You may remember me, I am the straight guy who was talking to you about crushes a while back. Is this the same guy, not important, just wondering. How is the couples therapy going? It sounds like you still have unresolved anger at him. Not even sure you should be having sex with him right now. Your relationship with him has had a major set back, maybe he needs to start over from square one, in other words date you all over again.


Hey Clifford. It's not the same guy. This guy (Brandon) I have been dating for ~6 months. I do have unresolved anger towards him, along with the hurt from the cheating. The terrible part for me is that he keeps wanting the protect the third party (George) because it is his best friend. This issue came to a head this week, when George came back to visit.

The situation is awful in that Brandon's roommate is George's best friend and so there was an understanding that George would get to stay there while he was in town. I have fought with Brandon over this issue when it comes up, as I ask him to either not stay at his place during that duration and come stay at mine or if he is going to be around George then not to have any conversation with him at all besides "hi," to just ignore him. Brandon has been infuriated by this request a couple times, saying it is unreasonable, that he doesn't want George to feel uncomfortable, that he doesn't want George to think that he blames George for what happened, he wants to accept all the responsibility without hurting anyone else. Unfortunately, I do not feel comfortable at all around George and I feel abandoned if the solution is just for me not to be there when George and Brandon are together. Brandon has implied before that if I can't handle being around George that I am choosing to be that way and therefore should just not be there with him. Basically, when George comes into play we are no longer a couple who supports each other, we become two separate people. The therapist has brought this up and specifically mentioned "if you are like this in front of George, what kind of message is that going to send him?"

For now Brandon has agreed to suspend all contact with George, to essential "ignore" him as I asked. This at least allows us to not focus on this issue and instead continue to create new good memories and restrengthen the relationship a bit. We will continue couples therapy and have serious talks when needed to work on issues like my anger and Brandon's commitment to me. I have been reading a book "Not Just Friends" and much of the stuff it talks about in it is going on right now in our relationship. Specifically, this back and forth ambivalence and indecision on both our parts.


Originally Posted By: lostcowboy
Quote:
He prefers to sweep things under to rug

In my relationship with my wife, I was the one who cheated, three of the times were only fondling under the influence of lots of alcohol, and one was a affair with a gay guy. I would like to sweep them under the table, or discuss them with her, but the only thing she wants to do is yell and scream about it. She only knows about two of them, the first one in 1985 and the last one with the gay guy in 1995. I am going to cut this short before I take your thread over.

Take care,
Clifford


I sympathize with your wife. Being cheated on sucks, I think it is one of the worst things that can happen to a person in their life. You are lucky to have someone who sticks with you, even if they do yell and scream, after all that has happened to them. From my experience so far, the most important thing that you can do is be honest. Once you are being honest, the second most important thing you can do is commit to working on the relationship to make it better. Go to couples therapy so that you can both deal with your issues, read books and articles about infidelity to understand what is going on the relationship (patterns). Do your best to support your spouse, because even if you may not understand why all she wants to do is yell and scream if you love her you will still support her. It is hard, but it is a way for you to accept responsibility for what you have done. Of course, she has to support you back eventually and show a willingness to work on her own issues. How long all of this takes is not definite though and that is the hard part, how long should we keep trying until we should throw in the towel? All my therapist told me in response to this was, "when/if it is time you will know."

I know that after a few months I will have an answer, as all my thoughts and emotions as the result of my self-exploration and Brandon's actions and input will eventually settle and I will know what is best for me.



Edited by bisulatino (05/26/07 03:53 PM)

Top
#158311 - 05/26/07 03:25 PM Re: Trying to make this relationship work. *trigge [Re: Jarrad]
bisulatino Offline
Member

Registered: 03/11/03
Posts: 70
Loc: San Diego, CA
Originally Posted By: Jarrad
not to be mean, but most of that just sounds like typical gay drama. (we are higher strung then our straight conterparts) yeah, we all have bad sex experiences and hold grudges about it. i dont know you at all, nor your boyfriend, but gay guys are notrious for cheating on each other. i think its almost a prerequisit. im gathering there are issues of abuse that come up when someone talks down to you but he probably didnt mean anything by it when he was commenting on your dry skin issue. he might have even thought he was helping. (and lotion is a great thing for foreplay.) so i think next time a situation like that happens, just stop and think his motives behind the comments. i doubt it is to hurt you.


I disagree this is a gay thing. I think that if a gay man thinks "it is typical for gay men to cheat" then they are setting themselves up to cheat or be cheated on, their belief in the idea makes it more likely to manifest in their own lives. I believe it is a relationship thing and in fact I have read that infidelity has become increasingly more common in heterosexual relationships in the last decade.

My mistake was not communicating to him how that moment made me feel. I get criticized a lot by his sister and he can tend to do it once and a while, especially regarding this whole cheating thing. "You have to learn to forgive" he tells me a lot, as if the fact that I am still dealing with the cheating a month later is because I still haven't learned to forgive, that a good mature person would have been over the whole thing after only a couple of weeks. I know that's not true, based on a lot of the articles I have read (and I ask him to read some of them with me) you have couples who have had cheating in their relationship still dealing with the issue 3 years later.



Edited by bisulatino (05/26/07 03:26 PM)

Top
#158312 - 05/26/07 03:36 PM Re: Trying to make this relationship work. *trigge [Re: markgreyblue]
bisulatino Offline
Member

Registered: 03/11/03
Posts: 70
Loc: San Diego, CA
Originally Posted By: markgreyblue
sorry i took this post over -

apologies


No worries MGB. I know I want a monogamous relationship. I have thought about polyamorous and open relationships, even studied them a bit, but I came to the conclusion that those relationships are not a fit for me. I want to put my energy into one primary relationship and many secondary less intimate friendships and family relationship. Just yesterday I met a couple who has an open relationship and I noticed something different about the way they were with each other than the way my boyfriend and I were with each other. They seemed a bit more distant than my boyfriend and I, less a couple or a unit and more like two really good friends. I could not be in that situation, I want that sense of intense intimacy when I am in a relationship otherwise I don't think I could be happy.


Top
#158325 - 05/26/07 05:28 PM Re: Trying to make this relationship work. *trigge [Re: bisulatino]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
i agree -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#158328 - 05/26/07 05:46 PM Re: Trying to make this relationship work. *trigge [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
i mean - i do not totally agree about the intensity -

i kind just know what i want - an honest caring - relationship wth someone i love and am attracted to -

the intensity thing - some people want



Edited by markgreyblue (05/26/07 05:51 PM)
_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#158331 - 05/26/07 05:49 PM Re: Trying to make this relationship work. *trigge [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
we all tailor our relationships to us.

i have different things in mind

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#158560 - 05/27/07 07:36 PM Re: Trying to make this relationship work. *trigge [Re: markgreyblue]
cat lover Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/05
Posts: 89
Loc: Denver, Colorado
Hey guy. Thanks for taking the time to make your post and share with us. I also want to chime in on the side that not all gay men are cheaters. I'm not. I've never cheated on a boyfriend. One cheated on me, also the perp, and eventually I had to sever all ties with him when I figured out what had happened and became willing to name it. One thing that helped me which may help you is a book called "Back from Betrayal." I forget who wrote it. Some of the exercises weren't relevant to me because I'd ended the relationship, but if you're still trying to make yours work, maybe more of them will be relevant to you.


Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.