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#157241 - 05/21/07 12:02 AM lonely
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
Hey Guys,

I don't want to complain, but right now i'm just lonely. I've been trying to figure it out as i've sort of gone introspective and such. I just graduated on Friday. I am starting the clean up my apartment process where I get rid of tons of things. Perhaps its the move halfway around the world? Or perhaps its something deeper?

My whole life i've been the "good boy" - i'm the guy who does what he is supposed to, when he is supposed to - if not earlier. i'm bisexual. People don't get this and often pressure me to be either gay or straight. sometimes i find myself questioning this and i hate that, b/c when i step back and examine. I know I am.

I want someone who gets me. I'm scared of relationships b/c I don't wanna be hurt. I've read many of you alls posts. It is a risk, I want to take it, but am I ready? I hate the people who have used me in vial ways - who have taken advantage of me at vulnerable moments. Are there decent guys out there? Or will they all just try to use me. will anyone understand? Am I going to put my future spouse through hell b/c i'm messed up in the brain?

Ugh - I just want to cry.

_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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#157247 - 05/21/07 12:24 AM Re: lonely [Re: Nate]
bisulatino Offline
Member

Registered: 03/11/03
Posts: 70
Loc: San Diego, CA
Nate,

Congrats on graduating! I just graduated last May. 5 years of college with a 1 year break in between was really hard for me, so I know how big of an accomplishment that is. It was definitely worth it though, as I'm sure you will soon see.

You are not alone in feeling lonely. If you have some good friends, seek them out to do something fun together. If you don't have good friends to hang out with, start looking for people you might enjoy hanging out with. You could look for social groups/clubs involved in things you are interested in or look on myspace or some other social network to meet people.

If you feel like you want a boyfriend/girlfriend, then start looking for people to date much in the same way you would look for friends. Don't worry about all the issues when you start dating either, just take the time to get to know each other. If it's the right person for you, things will work. Don't be afraid, just take things one day at a time.

I tend to panic about the same issues you have. I spend all this time thinking about how all my issues are going to doom me to a lifetime of tragic loneliness, but I've also had experiences that have shown me that this is hardly the case. It's a tough fight against myself, but with enough time and rational thought I usually win. I also find it helpful to read books or articles on the internet. Nothing is better for the "this isn't going to work" attitude than reading something by someone else that says "90% of the time this does work!"

Anyways, start reaching out and meeting new people and enjoying the wonderful relationships that you create. Even if there is some pain along the way, I'm sure you can handle it (you did survive college!) and there almost always are more good times than bad.


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#157523 - 05/22/07 02:45 PM Re: lonely [Re: bisulatino]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Nate,

First of all, congratulations on your graduation! That's a big step in your life, one that is bound to bring up a lot of issues that any guy in your position would feel. Where do I go from here? Will I succeed in life? Will I be happy? And so on.

This is just my own view, bro, but it seems to me that the key to solving the loneliness problem is always to be true to yourself. Never pretend or chase after the goal of meeting others' expectations. Let them see you as you really are, and the guys you attract will be people who have an idea what to expect from you. That may not happen right away, but so say we all - regardless of whether we are straight or gay or whether we have CSA issues or not. Sometimes life is pretty cool, and sometimes it's a total bea-ch.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#157531 - 05/22/07 03:04 PM Re: lonely [Re: roadrunner]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
" Are there decent guys out there? Or will they all just try to use me. will anyone understand? Am I going to put my future spouse through hell b/c i'm messed up in the brain?"

Wow thats a tough one...first off congrats on graduating...that is an awesome milestone!

Yes, there are decent guys out there but there are also ones who will just use you. I think that the best way to go about it is, when you decide to start a relationship, to try to leave the complications of sex out ofit. Weither it be Male or female....Find out if they like you for you.

I don't know about others here but for a long time I confused sex with love. So I leave it out at the beginning....if the person truely cares for you they will understand. And if they truely care for you they will take the time to understand your issues. (We also all understand!!!) Also, you are not messed up in the brain, you have issues and an understanding partner will help you through them. Will it be hell, no not if you are both willing to put forth the effort. Will it be a bed of roses...well it hardly ever is.

I am sorry you are lonely, thats a tough place to be, it seems like alot of us are there. I felt lonely as a kid because I thought I was alone in my abuse, coming here helped. Whatever you do don't rush into a bad relationship just to have a relationship, take your time, you have friends here who can help.

Peace,
Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#160285 - 06/06/07 05:39 PM Re: lonely [Re: pain4ever]
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
thanks guys

_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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#160752 - 06/08/07 08:31 PM Re: lonely [Re: Nate]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Nate,

Looking back on your post made me recall something that I can't believe didn't come to mind the last time around. I remember packing up when I graduated from college, and man, did I ever feel lonely and isolated. College had been a higher-level version of high school for me, with a lot more freedom and work involved. But I was still going home to visit my parents all the time, I still had my room in the house, dragged my laundry back on occasion, spent all the holidays at home, and so on. But now - this was it. I was graduating and heading into a cool summer job, and then in the fall I would be off to the Middle East for grad school.

Looking back, Nate, I can see that the loneliness was partly a feeling of isolation. From now on I really WOULD be making all my own decisions, plotting the course of my life all on my own, etc. The thought of all this scared me. I felt like my parents had suddenly stepped into the background and here I was, all alone in the world.

It was just a transition, of course, and one that frightened me and made me feel insecure. I think it's that way for everyone at some point, as we confront the reality of being genuinely independent.

I don't mean to suggest that the other factors you name aren't just as important, but this other perspective may also help you understand how you feel at this big transition point in your life. All the very best of luck to you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#160789 - 06/08/07 10:50 PM Re: lonely [Re: roadrunner]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Nate, yep moving half way across the world would make you lonely, especially if you won't know anyone when you get there. For me it takes about three months before I start to get comfortable again. And it seems like every time I rush a new friendship, I find someone who just wants to be nice to me so that I will let my guard down, then they stab me in the back. So I have learned to take my time, making new friends.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#160791 - 06/08/07 10:55 PM Re: lonely [Re: lostcowboy]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
omg i totally know the depression after college. it was pretty intense for me. i felt completely alone. we are here for you \:\)


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#160792 - 06/08/07 10:55 PM Re: lonely [Re: lostcowboy]
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
sounds like we've had similar experiences clifford - just seems i always meet guys who want in my pants... ugh... therefore my trust is a bit lacking -- takes a while to build.

- nate

_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

Top
#160816 - 06/09/07 06:18 AM Re: lonely [Re: Nate]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jarrad,

Your profile pic, especially the old version where we could see your eyes, says a lot about this as well. At first it feels so euphoric - I'm done! No more term papers, no more exams! No more all-nighters! Yay!

But then reality hits. I don't know about you, but I was totally unprepared for that. I had no idea where the future would take me or who I would meet along the way. I felt so small, weak and lonely.

It's funny how feelings can ambush us even at a moment of triumph. I'm glad you are holding on to your big moment with that pic. It's really important.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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