I sought out someone to beat me and rape me. What gives me the right to complain about childhood abuse when I purposely set out last night to destroy myself. How dare I waste everyone's time and energy. I have failed. Not only in trying to be a survivor, but also being a good person. I am not a good person and I don't deserve a good life.
This is classic "acting out". What happens sometimes is that our pain and feelings become so difficult to cope with that we react to them by re-enacting them, almost like a "theater in real life". That is, we subject ourselves to new pain and suffering of our own creation. There are different reasons why a survivor would do that, depending on the individual case. In one case a guy may be in such great pain that it somehow makes him feel better if he causes himself new pain - he feels that at least this pain is under his control. Or, as seems to be what's happening in your case, he places himself in danger so as to confirm his feelings of shame and guilt.
Mack, one thing that will help you here is to bear in mind is that acting out is cyclical. That is, it's a vicious circle in which a guy feels bad, acts out, gains a sense of temporary relief, but then is overwhelmed by the bad feelings again and starts out on the cycle all over again. Some guys act out on a daily basis, bro. The fact that you were able to stay away from it for five years is a big plus! It suggests that you are just under enormous pressure right now.
Another thing to think about is that when we act out we are re-creating patterns of activity that serve to validate or confirm all the bad feelings we have about ourselves. All those terrible things you think about yourself are FEELINGS, Mack, not reality. I can tell you that as I have recovered I have been astonished at all the crap I was willing to believe about myself - for years!
For now, hang in there. And if you can, try to keep talking - it does help. In the longer term, dealing with all this stuff works out best with professional support. That's another thing that's typical of male survivors: a reluctance to ask for or accept the help we need. But try to think of it this way: the problem isn't that you are so fucked up, the problem is that sexual abuse is a terrible crime and confronts the survivor with an incredibly difficult and important challenge.
But it can be done. Lots of guys will tell you how far they have come and that recovery is possible. That's one of the really cool things about being here - we are in the midst of other guys who appreciate what we are going through, understand our fears and feelings, and can assure us that there really is a way forward.