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#156979 - 05/19/07 12:07 PM sex
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
so i have been hanging around here for a while now and i have noticed a lot of things about the people here. and somethings i can understand and some things i cant really wrap my head around. one of those things is sex. a lot of you guys refrain from having sex. some of you repress the homosexual urges, some of you refrain from hetro stuff as well. what i dont understand is why? dont you realize that if you supress something it only makes you want it more? so you are setting yourself up failure in a cycle you can't break. and then you "act out" as you all call it, and have sex and then feel like shit out about. sex is normal and natural. its at the core of our instincts. you can't just "stop" because you want to. nature kicks in. we were made to mate. thats really like our only purpose. to eat. and to mate. so i get that because of abuse things got a little fucked up. but you all have to realize that no matter how much you dont wnat to do it, your body and brain are programed to do it. and you cant do anything about it. you can repress all you want but you will just explode at one point or another. thats my two cents.


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#156985 - 05/19/07 12:17 PM Re: sex [Re: Jarrad]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11055
Loc: Denver, CO
Jarrad,

It really depends on the issues people are dealing with. For some people sex has been associated with some awfully painful experiences, and is safer to avoid than partake. Some people might refer to it as sexual anorexia. I know in my case, I can't yet feel safe approaching a woman on sexual terms since I still have some level of disgust towards that thanks to things I had to see as a child.

It's gonna be different for everyone, and that in my mind has to be acceptable in this environment especially, whether it's clear or not what the issue is. If you are curious and would like more information about how I tick in regards to this, I'll be happy to share more with you. Everyone here has to have some level of faith and acceptance that viewpoints on sex are going to be very different from each other for a reason.


I edited this a little because I felt I was pressing you too hard on this. I apologize for that.



Edited by FormerTexan (05/19/07 12:31 PM)
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#156994 - 05/19/07 01:28 PM Re: sex [Re: FormerTexan]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
yeah i get that sex brings back abuse issues. but im not talking about people who dont want to have sex. thats fine. i get that. some people arent ready for it or dont want it. but im talking about the people who want it. have desires for it, and dont act on because they think sex is wrong and dirty or whatever. thats where the problem is. thats when they are represssing. or are you saying that you, for example, you want to have sex but when you do, it brings up abuse issues when you do, so you avoid it. i can get that. but wouldnt it get easier the more you do it? so by avoiding you are doing a diservice to your mental health over all?


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#156996 - 05/19/07 02:01 PM Re: sex [Re: Jarrad]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Hey, Jarrad --

I can only speak for myself here.

I'm single, gay, living by NYC--sex is pretty much available. I have a few ongoing relationships. I also believe in sexual liberation as a matter of principle, and I've fought long and hard throughout my life to enjoy my sexuality.

Sometimes, I have sex because I'm feeling good, and I just want to have a great experience with someone. But I'm also realizing that sometimes, I do it on autopilot--the real reason is that there's something I don't want to feel and sex will distract me. Or I'm not feeling good about myself, and I need the attention and affirmation for a temporary fix. That's when I'm "acting out."

I'm not trying to stop having sex, but I am trying to do it only when it's what I actually want and need. I'm learning not to use it...
  • to block me from feeling the things I need to feel (lonely, depressed, abuse memories, worried)
  • to lose people I actually want to get close to in the crowd
  • to convince me I'm attractive
  • or just to fill up an empty evening.

Hope that makes some sense,

David



Edited by MemoryVault (05/19/07 02:06 PM)

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#156999 - 05/19/07 02:47 PM Re: sex [Re: MemoryVault]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I have abstained for a long time now, 16 years. It's not that I don't want to, but why do something that literally causes you pain. I'm all for sex, but not sex as I see it now. One of my goals for my healing is to be able to be intimate. Not the guilt ridden, anxiety filled activity that it is now. In fact I think it would do more damage to my healing if I partook now because it would just reinforce those feelings that go with it with me. Masterbation relieves the pressure now, it's still filled with those same feelings but nothing compared to how intense those feelings hit me if I was being judged about them by another person, realisticly or not. Judgement is a trigger for me. 16 years and no explosion \:\)

One day, and when I'm healed it will be great.

Stay strong
Mike

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#157005 - 05/19/07 03:26 PM Re: sex [Re: mogigo]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
memory, yeah that makes sense. i know i have sex for the wrong reasons but i dont think of it as "acting out." acting out to me is something a person does in response to the abuse. i think people who have not been abused can have sex for the wrong reasons too. im a big homo too and i have talked about sex with my other gay friends (those of whom, to my knowledge, have not been abused) and they too have had sex to feel better about themselves. or to have a connection with another person. maybe its a gay thing not an abuse thing. this is kinda of getting off the topic but i feel that the only diffrence between gay and straight people is how we have sex. so i think that within the gay community, there is so much emphasis on it that if we arent having it, we almsot are "less gay." not that im speaking from experience because we all know im a slut, but i think for the gay community being slutty is normal. and you have to wonder about those who aren't.


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#157006 - 05/19/07 03:32 PM Re: sex [Re: Jarrad]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
mogigo, im so glad you havn't exploded yet. okay so you havnt had sex because it causes you pain. i understand that. how do you get over that pain tho? i would think it would be have more sex and eventually you will not associate sex with abuse but sex with the connection of other people. if you dont face that issue then you would never get over it right? im not syaing you arent facing it, but it seems to me you closed that door so tight that even the possibibly of you ever having a "normal" assocation with sex impossible. im not trying to be mean. im just trying to understand. maybe i dont get it because sex doeesnt cause me pain...


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#157008 - 05/19/07 03:34 PM Re: sex [Re: Jarrad]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I viewed all sex as evil from age 14ish to 30. So i had NONE!

There was no getting around that view. So I avoided that perceived evil. I was quite easly to do in some ways.

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#157027 - 05/19/07 05:01 PM Re: sex [Re: Still]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
sex isnt evil tho. abuse is evil.


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#157032 - 05/19/07 05:45 PM Re: sex [Re: Jarrad]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
I think of sex as an intense connection between people. It amplifies what's already there:

Loving sex is VERY loving
Abusive sex is VERY abusive
Manipulative sex is VERY manipulative
Indifferent sex...and so on.

The connection between abuse and sex for me is a need to feel like I'm in control--I'm much more comfortable if I'm the one who takes the initiative. I'm also only half "there"--often I don't remember too many details afterwards. But in a way, it seems better that I was attacked, rather than seduced, and that I was young enough that my own sexuality didn't get too tangled up in the pain and the memories. I ended up more afraid of violence than sex. I did grow up afraid of men (including the one I was turning into) and it took me a long time to work through that.


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