Its not matter of them having the power, its the matter of the gut reaction and builtin reaction to sex in general, cause by being abused. I don't choose to be vulnerable...it F*&kin ingrained in me. Therapy is helping....thats all I can do know.

Honestly I have tried alot fo things like making the other person the vulnerable on but the "performance" aspect of it is deep rooted. I just wanna lose myself in sex!

Jarrad, I have to agree with you on this. I also feel that too many of us get swallowed up in the hard determinism that says, that's just the way I am and the way I'll always be. I believe all of us can change and grow. I also feel that way, however, about sexual orientation, which you probably disagree with. There are many factors that go into who we are. There are some we can have some control over and others we cannot. I think that people just disagree sometimes about which is which. What I sincerely believe, though, is that we can change a great deal about our psyche, including whether we ever feel up to having sex. I also believe we all can heal from previous wounds and be happy. In fact, you have a kind of contagious optimism that I admire. I hope others can learn from your example.

I still feel, though, that it's good to be understanding about where someone is now, emotionally. I understand all the concerns these guys have expressed, and I have, at times, shared some of them. I am perfectly ready to go back to having sex with my wife, but I can't. I have diabetes and high blood pressure, which are causing me some erectile dysfunction, and I'm on medication that causes ejaculatory dysfunction, so I can't really start or finish very well. We have other kinds of sexual intimacy, though. It's just all we can do until I get my body into better shape. I've had good success working on my mind; now it's time for me to start working on my body.

I've got plenty of issues to tackle. My stance on sex, right now, is a very low priority; it is most likely keeping me out of trouble and making my life a little less difficult in my current situation.

As my situation changes, so will my priorities - and perhaps one day I'll decide to change my mind about sex. Right now - other things are more important.

This is just me - I won't endorse this course of action for anyone else.

Hey Jarrad, I've always wanted to get back into having sex, it's not like I ever said, I'm giving up sex forever. Trust me it does a whole lot for my motivation to think that one day I will get to have sex again. I'm with melliferal just not a priority right now. If I look at the things I need to do for myself to heal, that comes in way down the list. Kind of like a to do list, once the priorities right now are taken care of then it will become the priority.

I wanted to say thanks as well for starting this string Jarrad, it has been wonderful to get everyones point's of view, yours too and I do see the optism in your posts, and yes, it is wonderful.

Stay strong everyone
Mike

Jarrad, I've not read how the others have responded but here is why *I* don't have sex, I can't find anyone that *I* find attractive. Now, am I some prize that women are supposed to fall over when they see me? No. But I'm sure as hell not gonna settle for a fat trailer-trash girl just because she's the only one that expresses interest in me. (that's happened more than a few times lol)

I'm 38 and ALL the good women are TAKEN I swear. I mean, if they're not wearing a ring, then they immediately say "boyfriend" when I happen to make small talk with them in the supermarket or library, etc.

I missed the boat.

Bty, I'm going on 12 years without any intimacy at ALL.

I was abused by a basketball coach when I was 12 years old. Since that time I have had many...to many to count sexual encounters. I had hetro and homosexual encounters. I used sex as a way to validate myself. I was trying to find intimacy through sex and I never did find it. Don't get me wrong, I had lots of pleasurable sex and off the wall encounters you name it I did it, I liked most of it but it never gave me a sense of fulfillment. I would shack up with someone for days, doint the unthinkable...male or female or both. I would leave there and go looking for others to hook up with. In my homo sexual encounters, I now know that I was trying to relive and make sense of the abuse that happend to me, and I never could. I have now put sex in its place in my life. I can't speak for others, but for me sex is just a part of my life, it is not my life. My libido left unchecked has me sexualizing everyone I meet immediately and only manipulating them to get them into bed. Everyone thing I used to say was positioning and posturing to enhance my chance of sex. That is not what I am about today. I have so much time for other things today. I will not let the abuse that happend to me continue to control my life. I now put faith in God and use my experience to help others who may in the same situation. Sex is just a part of my life....it is not my life.

Good Luck,

Guy D.

My difficulties with intimacy is one of the things that prompted me to re enter therapy.