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#156554 - 05/16/07 11:06 PM Not sure where I belong
searching66 Offline
New Here

Registered: 05/06/07
Posts: 5
Since this is the only forum that I have ever registered with - I guess I'll stay here for now. Although, I could be on a Al-Anon or a infidelity forum too.

I posted a little over a week ago about my story - New Here...

Since then - he shared more details about his childhood rape - then proceeded to flea my house and get really drunk. He wanted to come home, but I just didn't feel like the reasons were right... I felt like he was looking for a life raft and not a wife. In the past week - he did take the initiative and move out of his apartment and home with his mother. He's not feeling very good about himself for being 40 and living with his mother - but I knew that he couldn't live with me and our girls in his current state. I have taken the advice I got here to heart about ultimatums - and I don't want to put them on him. The big one is leaving public office. He agreed to do it - but then of course he started back peddling on it. I just don't know how I could live with him if he continues to do it. Every politician I know puts political life above everything else in their life - including their family. I just know that I don't want to live like that anymore. During the week while he is in session, he is always too tired to deal with me or the children - he always defers all conversations to the weekend. Since he has been in public office I have watched him spend his campaign funds on drugs and sleep with the main lobbyist for the committee that he chairs. I have no respect for the office that he holds. I see it as a place that a man who suffers from such extreme self-loathing is surrounded by people that are paid to be nice to him - they actually fear him. I just don't know how I could continue to be married to him if he kept working with his girlfriend ( hence, why maybe I should be on the infidelity forum) - it makes me a nervous wreck while he is session - I guess it doesn't help that since he has wanted to come home, he has not professed his undying love for me - it's just the children that he is going to die if he doesn't live with them again. Anyway - I guess I feel like one of us will resent the other in either situation.

I feel like he is sinking quickly before my eyes, but I do know that I can not save him - but it doesn't make it any easier. He told me tonight that the head of the treatment center that he was in last year gave him a 5% chance of making it..... We had basically had no contact for the past 8 months, my friends and acquaintance had remarked to me on many occasions that they were so proud of how far I had come. ( I had become a regular member of church, gotten very involved with my kids school, applied to graduate school for the fall...) Now since we have begun speaking again - I have had numerous people come up to me and tell me I look like crap and was everything all right. I can't believe that I am back in the place again. My heart really goes out to him with all that he has shared in the past couple of weeks. I told him tonight - "I feel like you opened the door and let me see inside, and then you slammed it shut again...." He left me tonight telling me he would never stay if the roles were reversed and he didn't know why I was. I feel like he wants me to be the bad guy. I have already been the bad guy - he told me so many times that he wanted a divorce, but he never did anything, so I filed, now I feel like I'm in the same situation.


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#156604 - 05/17/07 07:20 AM Re: Not sure where I belong [Re: searching66]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi searching66, It's late so I am only going to give you a link to a web page for now. Facts about Men and Rape I'll try to come back tomorrow and post some more to you. I was raped when I was 11 in 1968 by a stranger in a park. My rape story has more graphic details in it than most so you may not want to read it, but it will let you know some of the thoughts that go through a boy's head during a rape. You can find it in the link in my signature. I am sure your husband did not tell you of the rape to try and save his marriage. It is much more likely that he thinks that he has already lost you, and he is convinced that he now has nothing to lose by keeping it a secret. One of the distorted thoughts that go through your head is if she knew about it she would instantly leave me. That's why he fled from you, so he would not see the look of disgust in your face, that's why he got very drunk. I haven't been in therapy myself so I could still have distorted thoughts. I'll give you a list of books to think about reading, and the name of a treatment center next post.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#156797 - 05/18/07 04:04 AM Re: Not sure where I belong [Re: lostcowboy]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi searching66, I am back again. I wanted to introduce you to Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. He has written quite a few books about types of sexual addictions, I have been reading them to see if they apply to me and some friends of mine. Anyway I think two of the books could apply to you and your husband. The first he wrote in 1991 called, "Don't call it love, Recovery from Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., The other is, "In the Shadows of the Net by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., David L. Delmonico, Ph.D., Elizabeth Griffin, M.A. with Joseph M. Moriarity.

Dr. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. has a web site, http://www.sexhelp.com/ . If you can't find his books anywhere else you can go to http://www.gentlepath.com/index.cfm for them.
The treatment center where he works at is http://www.pinegrovetreatment.com/gentle-path.html

One of the girls posted this link a while back, you may find it useful. http://www.recoverynation.com/

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#156834 - 05/18/07 12:47 PM Re: Not sure where I belong [Re: lostcowboy]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi searching66, I just found out that the links in my page are bad so I will have to fix them. Here is the link to my rape story if you feel the need to read it to help you understand some of what went through your husband's mind that day. Again I remind everyone that the link goes to a very graphic story, and will likely trigger any bad memory's that you yourself may have. Long Graphic Story, BIG BIG Triggers!

Take care,
Clifford



Edited by lostcowboy (05/18/07 12:48 PM)
_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#156910 - 05/18/07 11:42 PM Re: Not sure where I belong [Re: lostcowboy]
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Quote:
It is much more likely that he thinks that he has already lost you, and he is convinced that he now has nothing to lose by keeping it a secret.


This is very possible. My partner only disclosed to me after he thought I was leaving him. He told me that he had wanted to tell *someone,* but there was no one else in his life that he wanted to tell, and also he was afraid to tell me earlier b/c of his acting out online. So once I knew about the acting out online and he thought I might be getting out of his life, he disclosed.

I would not live with someone who worked with their affair partner either. That being said, it sounds like you are asking him to turn his back on something that is a huge part of his identity. There are men who have a hard time retiring from extremely low profile and mundane jobs because it impacts on their identity so much. I'm not saying that asking him to leave office is the wrong thing to do, but it must sound to him like you're asking him to step off a cliff into thin air. Maybe it is only half of a plan-- maybe it should not just be a request to leave office, but a request to leave office and do (fill in the blank) instead.

Have you looked at Al-Anon? It may be helpful to you (although I hope you stay here, too).

SAR


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