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#15701 - 05/09/03 07:46 PM Re: My So-Called Father
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Bob ( Ernie )

Quote:
Why Me!!! There is no excuse under God's blue sky to abuse anyone especially a child.
Ain't that the truth, there's NO excuse.

But why does knowing that still leave us all with the question "why me ?"

"Why" - because the abusers are weak - it's not us as kid's that are weak - it's them.
They pick on someone they can trick with a show of 'love and trust' and the easiest people to trick are those that are close, their own children, younger family, pupils, choir boys or any kid they can lure away from the people who wanted to protect us.

I can't think of many guys who have been on this site since I've been here that were dragged off by a stranger and raped, they're here I know and I'm not diminishing their pain at all, but most of us fell prey to someone we trusted or loved.
The hard fact is that if it wasn't us then it would almost certainly been someone else.

"Why me ?" is something we all ask, no matter what the circumstances were, and it isn't our question - it's the abusers question.
It's the question they have to live with.

For us to try to answer that question for ourselves is, I believe, feeding our sense of guilt and shame. And our energy is far better spent asking "where next ?"

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#15702 - 05/10/03 05:55 AM Re: My So-Called Father
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Dave you are absolutely right, where next, where do I gather the strength to say at 58 it is OK to try to start over. That it is ok to drag this middle age body out on a football field and learn the game. Not to be ashamed of my body that "it is different" because of what happened to me. I wish it were like a book, turn the page start anew. That is what I am desperately trying to do now, make up for lost time hopefully with my wife who will also gain understanding. The hurt all this has caused everyone close to me in awful. My where next is to take everyday as it is. All the books say you can't take back yesterday but you can improve tomorrow. That is my goal
Thanks
Bob

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#15703 - 05/10/03 10:24 AM Re: My So-Called Father
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
Bob ( Ernie )

Quote:
Why Me!!! There is no excuse under God's blue sky to abuse anyone especially a child.
Ain't that the truth, there's NO excuse.

But why does knowing that still leave us all with the question "why me ?"
Good question. One my T periodically asks me. I have this obsessive compulsion (I do after all have OCD :p !) to know why. But no matter what the reason for my SA it's still wrong & beyond excuse.

If one of my perps tried to explain to me why, it would probably piss me off all the more anyway. I'm already more than pissed off enuf.

Quote:
"Why" - because the abusers are weak -it's not us as kid's that are weak - it's them.
They pick on someone they can trick with a show of 'love and trust' and the easiest people to trick are those that are close, their own children, younger family, pupils, choir boys or any kid they can lure away from the people who wanted to protect us.
Dave, this is a very profound "answer" to "why" and a very profound thot as well.

We talk & hear so much about how our perps were in a position of strength & power over us, it's easy to forget that they were really the weak ones
so weak they can only have power over vulnerable small trusting children.

Even then we were stronger than them becuz we survived what they in their pathetic weakness did to us!

Quote:
"Why me ?" is something we all ask, no matter what the circumstances were, and it isn't our question - it's the abusers question.
It's the question they have to live with.
Damn right bro! It's not a question I need to have
eating away at me anymore. It was their abuse, and
it is their question! To live with if they can, to die with as they will...

Quote:
For us to try to answer that question for ourselves is, I believe, feeding our sense of guilt and shame. And our energy is far better spent asking "where next ?"

Dave
Dave my stars brother that is another really deep & powerful point! No wonder my T keeps leading me back to not asking "why" so much the way I do.

Yes, "where next" is a much better question.

There may be facts related to the "why" that can help me get to the "where next." Beyond that it's not a question I find much good use for anymore.

Their abuse, their question, their problem...

Thanks Dave!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#15704 - 05/10/03 10:41 AM Re: My So-Called Father
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
I wish it were like a book, turn the page start anew. That is what I am desperately trying to do now, make up for lost time hopefully with my wife who will also gain understanding.
Bob, here's some words on this from another Bob:

"you walk into a restaraunt,
strung out from the road;
and you feel the eyes opon you,
as your shaking off the cold.
you pretend it doesn't bother you,
but you just want to explode."

"sometimes you hear 'em talkin',
other times you can't:
all the same 'ole cliche's
'is that a woman or a man'.
and you always seem outnumbered,
you dare not make a stand."

"but here I am, on the road again
here I am, up on the stage
here I go, playing the star again
there I go, turn the page"...

(from "Turn the Page" by Bob Seger)

Bob what we can do is write new pages new chapters
heck even new books. I hope your wife will understand & help you write one together!

Quote:
The hurt all this has caused everyone close to me in awful. My where next is to take everyday as it is. All the books say you can't take back yesterday but you can improve tomorrow. That is my goal
Thanks
Bob
Thank you Bob. Sharing your goal encourages me becuz that's my goal too, my where next. That's always been hard for me and it's gotten very difficult again lately. With the accident & being laid up I'm again feeling a lot of guilt & shame about the hurt & work I'm causing those close to me especially my dear wife. But I can't give up on taking one day at a time & trying to improve our tomorrows. Thanks again bro.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#15705 - 05/10/03 05:08 PM Re: My So-Called Father
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
It's HISTORY.

Our abuse is history, I know we won't forget it, we're deeply affected by it but the only thing I do with history is find MY place in it and learn from it.

I can't change it - nobody can. Especially the facts of what happened to ME at their hands. Why should I waste time wondering why they did it, why pick on me, did I do something wrong ?
Whatever the answers to those questions are; do they change anything for ME. I don't think so.

I don't give a flying fuck about my abusers motives, or even what they did to a certain degree.
It happened.
The only importance I can attach to those questions gives me the single answer "IT WASN'T MY FAULT"

The energy I would use searching for those answers is far better used to seek the answers to my important question. How can I get past the results of their abuse ?

That's a simplistic view that I take about my abuse, a selfish one maybe. But it's focused on ME and MY recovery.

As I've moved on however I do consider those questions, but it's in a broader context of helping others by fully understanding the bigger picture. And I'm doing at a time when I'm safer from the upset and worry that the search for those answers would have caused maybe four or five years ago.

I believe we have to gain a certain amount of strength before we go there. ( and I'm not denying it can be a relevent question then )

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#15706 - 05/10/03 06:03 PM Re: My So-Called Father
chuck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 97
Loc: mid atlantic
What is most frustrating for me is I have flashbacks but my memeory is foggy. The SA happened when I was 10 and beyond but the incidents are extremely foggy. I have the evidence in my body. The rape was so bad that my tail bone is gone and I remember going to my mother asking her why I am bleeding from my rectum. I was never taken to the hospital or the doctor. She gave some ointment and it stopped. But the memory of the actual event is not there or the times after. The only one I remember was when I was 20 and then I view it as movie happening to someone else who looks like me by my father. \:\( Chuck


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#15707 - 05/10/03 06:04 PM Re: My So-Called Father
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Thank you Victor and Dave. Abuse is such a powerful thing, can destroy a good person, can influence a mind that knows better and effect the most important thing in the world, a wife and family. I'm working like a bastard to get through this, your words, support and encouragement are so important right now. I would like to get on the tallest building in Portland and yell out, there is help, get it before it is too late. Abuse puts a whole new meaning to the "Cleaver Family, the Walton Family and for that matter the Munsters. In each case, the boys didn't get abused, time for a reality check at least in this household, the uncle was a depraved pervert, phoney, drunk and all that went with it. Thanks for letting me vent. You are in my prayers.
Bob

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

Top
#15708 - 05/10/03 08:08 PM Re: My So-Called Father
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
Our abuse is history, I know we won't forget it, we're deeply affected by it but the only thing I do with history is find MY place in it and learn from it.
Yeah Dave, kinda like making my own history instead of letting history make me!

Quote:
I can't change it - nobody can. Especially the facts of what happened to ME at their hands. Why should I waste time wondering why they did it, why pick on me, did I do something wrong ?
Whatever the answers to those questions are; do they change anything for ME. I don't think so.
Just what my T keeps telling me and it makes good sense, bro. This just continues to give those arseholes power over me they dont' deserve. Power that is mine.

Quote:
I don't give a flying fuck about my abusers motives, or even what they did to a certain degree.
I'm trying to get to that point. Sounds like a good place to be. And why should I care?

Quote:
It happened.
The only importance I can attach to those questions gives me the single answer "IT WASN'T MY FAULT"
Bingo!

Quote:
The energy I would use searching for those answers is far better used to seek the answers to my important question. How can I get past the results of their abuse ?
Yes. Life, and my energy, are too short as it is.

Quote:
That's a simplistic view that I take about my abuse, a selfish one maybe. But it's focused on ME and MY recovery.
Simplistic perhaps, if selfish then by necessity & in a good way, I think.

Quote:
As I've moved on however I do consider those questions, but it's in a broader context of helping others by fully understanding the bigger picture. And I'm doing at a time when I'm safer from the upset and worry that the search for those answers would have caused maybe four or five years ago.
That's what I'm trying to do I guess, but I'm probably not at that point yet...

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#15709 - 05/11/03 01:29 AM Re: My So-Called Father
bowman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/19/03
Posts: 72
Originally posted by Lloydy:

"Why" - because the abusers are weak - it's not us as kid's that are weak - it's them.
They pick on someone they can trick with a show of 'love and trust' and the easiest people to trick are those that are close, their own children...


I know this is true for sure. Neither of my parents are particularly aggressive people. In fact they are both pretty weak and timid around other adults. They don' hold management positions in their jobs, etc. and yet they were able to use me to take out their needs. My father only abused me when I was young, five and under. The only reason he could push me around was because I was so small. My mother was able to use her weakness and patheticness (pretend its a real word) to manipulate me, sice I always felt like an a**hole if I tried to resist her emotional needs.

I still have a hard time with the difference of how harmless and timid they seem now versus how they were then. The abuse from them actually came up a few years ago in some thereapy I was getting then for an incident of non-familial abuse, but I just couldn't reconcile the contradiction, and shelved the whole issue. I thought my perceptions were full of crap.

Kids don't have control over who is in their family. Kids, unfortunately, are born small. They are at the mercy of anyone who is larger or more mentally sophisticated than they are. They should be protected by their parents, that's how the system is supposed to work. Parents are supposed to be on the alert for predators. It makes me sick that they do this to us and then have us hating ourselves for it. That is the ultimate mindf**k. They do this to us, and then they criticise us for the consequences that show up in our adult lives. Huh.


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#15710 - 05/11/03 06:46 AM Re: My So-Called Father
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
The best defense we have to stop the maddness is to learn from what happened to us and provide a good environment for our own children. One of support, encouragement. Not be so wrapped up in ourselves and our needs that history repeats itself. Be strong, be glad you have recognized the abuse, it is an uphill battle but, it can be won.
Bob

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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