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#15691 - 05/07/03 02:43 PM My So-Called Father
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Most of my writing about my perps & SA has been about my mother becuz she did most of it. I was with her, her surrogate husband, till I was 13. Also surrogate father to my younger brother.

My father was only around till I was 3-4 and after
that I never saw or heard from him again. Yet I'm recently realizing more & more the painfully profound impact he had on my life in that brief time. Quite literally.

My father used to shake me so badly as an infant that I now know myself to be a survivor of SIS (Shaken Infant Syndrome) which is probably what caused my brothers' "retardation" & early death.
\:\(
Recently I have recovered more detailed memories about this, especially in my neck, shoulders & back, always my worst pain areas anyway.

Thus I am getting more body therapy work done especially in these areas, trying to heal those bad body memories, with my massage T & chiro.

After I told my chiro about the last week, SIS, he mentioned an exercise for me to do called 70 x 7. I am to for the next week write out in longhand
"I forgive my father for everything" 70 times a day which will in a week equal 490 times. Then I can do the same with my mother or anyone else.

My chiro says he has done exercises like this as part of a group and found it very helpful for many
as simple & kinda silly as it sounds.

But as he says its not for my father its for me so I figure it can't hurt to try. I have heard of similar exercises helping people before.

This will be a lot harder now. Just today I came to the "realization" of something very obvious I've known but been in very heavy denial of & dissociation from in spite of the body memories I've had.

I have very little doubt that my father *nally abused me as an infant.
******************COULD TRIGGER FOR ABOVE*********
With his p*nis, with his finger, with both, I'm still not clear on that & maybe just as well. But
I know it wasn't just him shaking me that was making my back arch & snap. Or my head; I know there was *ral abuse as well. I remember being masturbated by him very early, with a finger up my *nus. I know my mother did this kind of stuff, even later on, as well.
****************END TRIGGER WARNING???************
Now I know the source of the sharp stabbing pains I get in my *nus! Tho I really knew all along.

And theycalledme a pain in the arse!

So yes I can try to forgive--for me!

But beyond that I would like to see justice & see the truth come out, especially on behalf of my brother.

With what happened to myself & my brother, I find it too conveniently coincidental that my nurse grandmother chose to work--with the premature babies, injured infants, etc--at the first hospital in the USA maybe the world to have such an intensive study on & put so much fresh info out on SIS and infant brain injury trauma. I learned this only recently about this hospital as I was doing net searches about SIS.

My grandparents are both dead. The only relative I know of as even alive to say anything if they could be found is my mother, who already denies everything, and much lesser stuff than that.

But I'm seriously considering digging up all the old records I can & trying to find out the truth
about why my brother was "retarded," when he was so dx'd (diagnosed), and what really killed him in the mental institution my mother put him in. Asthma attack my arse! So why couldn't I see his body? Why wasn't I told until well after he died? Why did we go to just a stupid short "memorial" service well after he died. Why wouldn't they answer any of my questions?
No wonder my father, if he is at the last address
I was able to find on him, has not responded to notes I sent a couple years ago.

But if I want the answers they sure can't stop me from finding them now!

OK Rant switch off.

But this ain't over yet!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#15692 - 05/08/03 07:27 PM Re: My So-Called Father
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
After I told my chiro last week about the SIS, he mentioned an exercise for me to do called 70 x 7. I am to for the next week write out in longhand "I forgive my father for everything" 70 times a day which will in a week equal 490 times. Then I can do the same with my mother or anyone else.
Well I finally tried for the first day the exercise. Painful in more ways than one as my wrist & hand kept hurting & going numb. Not the one I just hurt in the car wreck either. Weird. But I do think it will be therapeutic for me. As I keep doing it. Forgiving isn't easy. But for me holding a grudge is hell, it just keeps all the pain bottled up in me worse & worse & eats me alive. Six days to go.

Then on to my mother I think…

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#15693 - 05/09/03 06:56 AM Re: My So-Called Father
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
brojer to brovic

i'm so sad you're having to find this shit in your young past. i know even though our experiences as children are very different we've got some common ground.

this kind of abuse that goes all the way back to infantcy is at least for me the hardest, most painful work i've been doing the past couple of months.

now i know you know more about my journey victor. i take comfort knowing i'm not alone with this.

all i can say is what my t keeps telling me... there is an end to pain after going through all it needs to express.

jer


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#15694 - 05/09/03 08:44 AM Re: My So-Called Father
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Victor, as usual you bring out so many things that are so painful to most everyone here. My heart bleeds for you and the pain you experienced. I recently was able to recal after much anquish and denial that I too had been raped by my uncle. The bastard is dead thank God and cannot hurt anyone else. The hardest part of this journey is trying to understand, why me. What could I possible have done to deserve this.
He screwed up my childhood with his rape to the point that I was afraid to go to gym class for fear it would be noticed that "I was Different". Man would my dad get mad when he saw how many times I missed Gym! I instead of learning to play football which I really wanted to do, played in "the Girlie Band" as my dad stated.
I am so incredibly grateful that in raising my own children that they did the things they enjoyed without fear of being humiliated by a parent. That I was there to listen to them and help with their problems when I could. Had I had this available to me, I could have stopped my uncle from distroying anyone elses childhood and what should have been the happiest times of my youth. Instead, I lived in shame and humiliation. Just as you must have
Why Me!!! There is no excuse under God's blue sky to abuse anyone especially a child. You are incredibly strong Victor to have gone through all of this and beable to offer to everyone here the insite that you do. My hat is off to you. Stay strong
ernie (Bob)----(not of the Walton family)

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#15695 - 05/09/03 09:39 AM Re: My So-Called Father
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Jer thanks for your empathy bro.

Quote:
all i can say is what my t keeps telling me... there is an end to pain after going through all it needs to express.

jer
My friend I'm gonna try to hold onto that.


Ernie (Bob):

Thank you also brother for your empathy.

Ernie, I am so sorry for what you went thru & have recalled so recently. \:\( I remember when I remembered, less than 2 years ago, and it is horrible. But for me not like the hell of not remembering, feeling like a freak & not even knowing why.

My friend I wonder did you try to tell anyone like
your father about what your uncle did? Or maybe you had buried it right away, or were just too scared too? Either way, whether your father knew or not, his betrayal of you was also abusive I think.

I felt betrayed that my mother did nothing & seemed to have known nothing about the gay couple that raped me. Then I recalled that she had sold me to them!

Ernie you are right there is absolutely no excuse for abuse & there can be no justification for the abuser.

My friend you are also incredibly strong being here & sharing what you share with your brothers here like you are right now. Thank you. Men like you help me keep strong. You keep strong too bro.

Good night, Ernie-Bob ;\) \:D

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#15696 - 05/09/03 11:02 AM Re: My So-Called Father
randy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/02
Posts: 30
Loc: Pittsburgh, Pa
The worst two things that can happen to a child.
1) an abusive father.
2) an abscent father, because statistics have shown that children not in their fathers home and care are much more likely to be abused.
Victor I never saw my father( even though he was alive and lived near by ) but I feel his weakness
opened the door for his childrens abuse.
Lord better help any sob touched my kids cause I would just ))(*^R%%$%$* till the cows came home.


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#15697 - 05/09/03 01:14 PM Re: My So-Called Father
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
Lord better help any sob touched my kids cause I would just ))(*^R%%$%$* till the cows came home.
Randy, I'm so sorry for what you went thru.

You are a good father & the cycle of abuse is being broken with your family of creation as with my own.

A couple month's ago an acquaintance got into my daughter's room with her, drunk, and at first refused to leave, tho he never touched her.

If he had, my wife--and my whole town of about 700--would not have been able to restrain me from what I almost did anyway, which was drive up the hour to her college and hunt that lion down and by the time I was done he would never want to even think about anyone or anything sexually ever again!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#15698 - 05/09/03 01:33 PM Re: My So-Called Father
JonathanKhonsu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/18/03
Posts: 72
Loc: PA
I truely hope things go better for you. I'm sorry you had to live with that pain. (I know this sounds week, but its all I can offer.)

_________________________
"Ave atque Vale"

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#15699 - 05/09/03 01:47 PM Re: My So-Called Father
randy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/02
Posts: 30
Loc: Pittsburgh, Pa
Although I should add that having read what some of my litter mates here have taught me, being abused by Mom aint no laughing matter either.


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#15700 - 05/09/03 02:38 PM Re: My So-Called Father
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
I truely hope things go better for you. I'm sorry you had to live with that pain. (I know this sounds week, but its all I can offer.)
No Johnathan it's not weak. I find it very strengthening. Thank you. \:\)

Quote:
Although I should add that having read what some of my litter mates here have taught me, being abused by Mom aint no laughing matter either.
Randy, bottom line is it's all hell.

But we don't have to stay there either.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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