Most of my writing about my perps & SA has been about my mother becuz she did most of it. I was with her, her surrogate husband, till I was 13. Also surrogate father to my younger brother.
My father was only around till I was 3-4 and after
that I never saw or heard from him again. Yet I'm recently realizing more & more the painfully profound impact he had on my life in that brief time. Quite literally.
My father used to shake me so badly as an infant that I now know myself to be a survivor of SIS (Shaken Infant Syndrome) which is probably what caused my brothers' "retardation" & early death.
Recently I have recovered more detailed memories about this, especially in my neck, shoulders & back, always my worst pain areas anyway.
Thus I am getting more body therapy work done especially in these areas, trying to heal those bad body memories, with my massage T & chiro.
After I told my chiro about the last week, SIS, he mentioned an exercise for me to do called 70 x 7. I am to for the next week write out in longhand
"I forgive my father for everything" 70 times a day which will in a week equal 490 times. Then I can do the same with my mother or anyone else.
My chiro says he has done exercises like this as part of a group and found it very helpful for many
as simple & kinda silly as it sounds.
But as he says its not for my father its for me so I figure it can't hurt to try. I have heard of similar exercises helping people before.
This will be a lot harder now. Just today I came to the "realization" of something very obvious I've known but been in very heavy denial of & dissociation from in spite of the body memories I've had.
I have very little doubt that my father *nally abused me as an infant.
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With his p*nis, with his finger, with both, I'm still not clear on that & maybe just as well. But
I know it wasn't just him shaking me that was making my back arch & snap. Or my head; I know there was *ral abuse as well. I remember being masturbated by him very early, with a finger up my *nus. I know my mother did this kind of stuff, even later on, as well.
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Now I know the source of the sharp stabbing pains I get in my *nus! Tho I really knew all along.
a pain in the arse!
So yes I can try to forgive--for me!
But beyond that I would like to see justice & see the truth come out, especially on behalf of my brother.
With what happened to myself & my brother, I find it too conveniently coincidental that my nurse grandmother chose to work--with the premature babies, injured infants, etc--at the first hospital in the USA maybe the world to have such an intensive study on & put so much fresh info out on SIS and infant brain injury trauma. I learned this only recently about this hospital as I was doing net searches about SIS.
My grandparents are both dead. The only relative I know of as even alive to say anything if they could be found is my mother, who already denies everything, and much lesser stuff than that.
But I'm seriously considering digging up all the old records I can & trying to find out the truth
about why my brother was "retarded," when he was so dx'd (diagnosed), and what really killed him in the mental institution my mother put him in. Asthma attack my arse! So why couldn't I see his body? Why wasn't I told until well after he died? Why did we go to just a stupid short "memorial" service well after he died. Why wouldn't they answer any of my questions?
No wonder my father, if he is at the last address
I was able to find on him, has not responded to notes I sent a couple years ago.
But if I want the answers they sure can't stop me from finding them now!
Rant switch off.
But this ain't over yet!