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#156683 - 05/17/07 01:13 PM Re: Friend/would-be lover...help? [Re: MemoryVault]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
well, you were very misguiding about that - and I think purposefully so

you have come off - as incredbily deceitful - and to me it shows this relationship

was only about you getting what YOU needed. I think this friend - was never your friend. He ought to know that - and probably will figure it out shortly -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#156699 - 05/17/07 02:13 PM Re: Friend/would-be lover...help? [Re: markgreyblue]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
That hurts, Mark. But I have been worried about the same things.

I don't think I ever led him on or lied, but I did avoid the issue. I never wanted to, or tried to, block him from finding a real partner--I always encouraged him to. But we should have talked about where we were a long time ago. It's only now that I'm learning how to let people know how I really feel, and it's really hard for me.

I've been open about my sexuality here--never occured to me that someone would think I was straight because I have a friend I love, but am not attracted to.


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#156700 - 05/17/07 02:15 PM Re: Friend/would-be lover...help? [Re: MemoryVault]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
Again, You were not clear about that at all. I think we all have friends gay or straight we love - and your comments are very manipulative.

So - I think again - this is characteristic of your style.

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#156701 - 05/17/07 02:15 PM Re: Friend/would-be lover...help? [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
You really need to be more careful here.

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#156704 - 05/17/07 02:17 PM Re: Friend/would-be lover...help? [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
if you look at cfbull's response - he was also mistaken - but you made no mention of it.

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#156800 - 05/18/07 05:27 AM Re: Friend/would-be lover...help? [Re: markgreyblue]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Mark, I am sorry that you were hurt. I just wanted you to know that both you and cfbull gave some good advice. I am straight,(95% anyway, was attracted to one gay guy who I had a affair with). The gay guy was doing subtle things that were telling me that he was interested in me. Problem was it was freaking me out. I wrote him a letter talking about my rape and homophobic feelings, he backed off from making the advances on me and just became my friend. About six months later I developed sexual feeling towards him. Maybe if I had gotten a divorce before acting on the feeling things would have ended up better.

To MemoryVault, I think I would give him a week to sort out his feelings, and then invite him over and have a heart to heart conversation. Who knows, maybe he has been doing little things that have been shutting your sexual feelings down, and if he backs off for a while it will let your sexual feeling to develop.

Take care,
Clifford
PS: if you want to read more about that affair, go to the link below, the gay affair is about two thirds of the way down the page.



Edited by lostcowboy (05/18/07 05:52 AM)
_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#156815 - 05/18/07 10:37 AM Re: Friend/would-be lover...help? [Re: lostcowboy]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Thanks for sharing this, Clifford. The links in "Pretty much my life" are just pointing to the MS homepage. Is there any other way to get to them?

I'll try to reach out to my friend this weekend, at least to open the door to talking if he wants to.

Just feeling really confused and down.


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#156831 - 05/18/07 12:21 PM Re: Friend/would-be lover...help? [Re: MemoryVault]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi MemoryVault, I just caught and fixed the link problem in the signature last night. Thanks for the heads up on the rest of the links it will take a while to fix them. Here is the one about the gay affair. How Ug the caveman got confused by a gay guy! You should be able to find the rest by searching on my name. That's what I will have to do to fix all those links. Edit: the links should be working now.

Take care,
Clifford



Edited by lostcowboy (05/20/07 12:15 AM)
_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#157065 - 05/19/07 09:04 PM Re: Friend/would-be lover...help? [Re: MemoryVault]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
David,

It seems to me that either of you - not just you - could have initiated the conversation that would have brought out the differences in what you wanted. In any case, couldn't he have detected some hints just in body language and so on? I don't think you should beat yourself up over this.

But at the same time it sounds like he's a good friend who probably feels embarrassed and disappointed. I guess all you can do is keep expressing your hopes that your friendship will continue, but the reality may be that he is intensely attracted to you and can't face continuing as "just friends" when he feels that way.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#157163 - 05/20/07 03:15 PM Re: Friend/would-be lover...help? [Re: roadrunner]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
David,

It seems to me you delineated the boundaries quite well when the subject matter was raised. Could or should you have done so sooner? One can never know the answer to that question for sure, but I'd say you did what was needed at the time it was needed. He could just as easily have brought up his feelings long ago as now, so I don't personally believe you were manipulative in any wan any more than he was.

Relationship stuff is very difficult to negotiate under the best of circumstances and for those of us who were abused it compounds exponentially. I'd say rest easy and continue to try reaching out to him in friendship on occasion, after giving him some breathing room, if you'd like to maintain what you once had with him. He'll let you know soon enough if your attentions are unwanted.

I wish you well.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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