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#156504 - 05/16/07 02:06 PM Friend/would-be lover...help?
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Hi, Guys --

I need advice...or at least some perspective.

I've had a close friend for about ten years—we've hung out together 2-3 times a week for a long time. I suppose we act like an old married couple-people mistake us for lovers. Early on, I knew that he wanted us to be more than friends, and that I didn't feel the same way, but neither of us could get up the nerve to have "the conversation." I just assumed that we'd settled into a pattern we'd both made peace with.

But recently, he came out and told me that he wanted our friendship to "move to another level" (code for sex), and I told him that I loved him as a friend, but that was as far as we could go. It's gotten ugly—he cried, stormed off, and he isn’t returning calls, and I understand that, but I'm going around in circles:

Have I been using him all this time, because I knew all along how he felt and didn't say anything?

In the last year, I’ve opened up to him more than I ever did, including my experience as a survivor, and we've gotten closer in many ways. Is he telling me that our friendship has been a waste of time if I don't end up in bed with him?

How do you comfort a friend who has a problem, when you're the problem? How can I be giving without giving in to a sexual experience I don't want?

Am I just reacting to my own issues and getting paranoid?

I feel guilty and angry at the same time.

David


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#156517 - 05/16/07 03:25 PM Re: Friend/would-be lover...help? [Re: MemoryVault]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
David,

That is a very interesting dilemma. I find it very sweet and encouraging to hear how you feel pain from this outcome as well. "Hetero" guys tend to be clueless about this sort of thing and often just abandon the situation, as well as the friend.

The first thing that comes to mind is the idea of whether or not he can still be your friend now that he has revealed his deeper desire. This is something to consider because if he says he cannot continue the friendship, his desires may be misguided or based on a perception of you that is somewhat unrealistic. Given that you have known each other so many years, this is not likely to be the case, but it's worth considering.

I try refrain from suggesting what anyone "should do", but I will tell you that if it were me, I would make an extra effort to maintain the friendship exactly as it was before his announcement. This sends a very genuine and sincere message to your friend who might be regretting telling you at all. It should help him to get over it with minimal drama.

Hope this helps.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#156601 - 05/17/07 06:32 AM Re: Friend/would-be lover...help? [Re: cbfull]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Thanks for the suggestion, Craig --

Still waiting to see when he and I can get back in touch. I'd like things to be more or less the way they were, with better honesty and communication.

David


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#156606 - 05/17/07 08:24 AM Re: Friend/would-be lover...help? [Re: MemoryVault]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
David,

honestly if you have such a chemistry with him - and you like him a lot but just don't want sex -

maybe the code word isn't just 'sex' - if people are mistaking you for lovers - than a. your way to emotionally connected to each other to be just friends emotionally. you know what i mean?

he should be that way with his lover - as should you?

and why don't you have a lover and he as well?

10 years 2 to 3 times a week that is a lovers' pattern.

the next level he might be suggesting - (sex is kind of extreme)

just some kind of disccussion of what you think of each other -
your feelings - or some kind of idea of just 'where are we going with this?' 10 years is a long time -

and perhaps it's time to bleep or get off the pot -?

in another light -

you say you don't want it - but could you be willing to open up to his maybe just 'holding your hand' while you go for a walk.

he sounds your best friend - a really valuable person - in your life -

why throw the baby out with the bath water? communicate -

and maybe find a girlfriend - if you feel that strongly about it -

maybe a revisting of boundaries or a look at your pattern together and really think - What do you want here? where are you going with this -



Edited by markgreyblue (05/17/07 08:26 AM)
_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#156608 - 05/17/07 08:27 AM Re: Friend/would-be lover...help? [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
and look at the title of this post

not "friend/ wants to be lover" you wrote

friend/would be lover -

that's maybe saying you kind of are starting to think about.?

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#156609 - 05/17/07 08:28 AM Re: Friend/would-be lover...help? [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
he sounds a great match - i would love to have such a constant friend. who i get on with so well.

good luck with all this! you're lucky in my view to have someone

who thinks so much of you \:\) - be good

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#156611 - 05/17/07 08:38 AM Re: Friend/would-be lover...help? [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
sorry i got kind of involved here -
i am still figuring life out too.

all i got to say is you've got to do what is right for you

both of you are going to have to negotiate this relationship

so that both of you are happy -

as you sort of said above

you got to do what's right for both - sorry - good luck






Edited by markgreyblue (05/17/07 09:58 AM)
_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#156659 - 05/17/07 12:11 PM Re: Friend/would-be lover...help? [Re: markgreyblue]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Hey, Mark --

Thanks for your thoughts...

Quote:
maybe the code word isn't just 'sex' - if people are mistaking you for lovers - than a. your way to emotionally connected to each other to be just friends emotionally. you know what i mean?


I think so. We sort of got used to being "fixtures" in each others' lives. Like a place-holder where a lover would be. I don't know why the chemistry for being lovers isn't there for me, except that even as friends, I find myself holding him back--defending my space and free time. It can be pretty triggering.

Quote:
you say you don't want it - but could you be willing to open up to his maybe just 'holding your hand' while you go for a walk.


I guess I've always been afraid that I'd be creating more expectations and setting him up to get hurt if I let us blur the line between friends and lovers. I've always been the one maintaining the boundaries.

Quote:
and maybe find a girlfriend - if you feel that strongly about it


I don't think that'll be happening anytime soon! \:\)

Quote:
maybe a revisting of boundaries or a look at your pattern together and really think - What do you want here? where are you going with this


I hope that's what we've started. I really hope we can keep the friendship we have, but be free to find what we need in our lives.

David


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#156681 - 05/17/07 01:05 PM Re: Friend/would-be lover...help? [Re: MemoryVault]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
so no girlfriend means you are gay?

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#156682 - 05/17/07 01:09 PM Re: Friend/would-be lover...help? [Re: markgreyblue]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Oh, yeah. Didn't mean to be confusing about that.


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