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#1565 - 03/17/06 02:40 PM New here...
JGag78 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/17/06
Posts: 4
Loc: VA
Hi, I'm new to the boards here.

When I was a kid, I remember being molested by this older kid from church. It happened at a birthday slumber party for one of my other friends.

I don't remember too much about it, except that it happened, and I never thought about it much. Here I am now, almost thirty, I have no real friends and I don't date. I never date, even though high school and I've never bothered to pursue much of a relationship with anyone.

I'm not totally alone as I have a disabled father to take care of (and his dog), but once he's gone I feel like I'll be free in a sense and am kind of looking forward to it. I don't know if I necessarily enjoy being alone all the time, but it's what I'm most comfortable with. It's easy, I get to do what I want, plus I would look forward to not having to worry about anyone else.

Sometimes I feel like getting help, but at the same time, I feel like I'm a piece of damaged merchandise and no what matter what gets patched up, the fact always remains. I feel like I'd rather just live alone and eventually die alone, be less fuss that way.

I just wanted to get this off my chest.


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#1566 - 03/17/06 02:59 PM Re: New here...
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
JGag78,

Welcome to Male Survivor. I'm glad you took the big step of posting here and I hope you will continue. It really does help. When I first started here, my first reaction was Oh my God, I'm not alone!

Just get used to things at your own pace. There's no pressure on you here, and just post about whatever you want to.

Just to comment briefly on your first post: Your feelings about yourself are absolutely normal for survivors and they arise from what happened to you. Everything you say makes perfect sense to me in that context. Just remember that none of this was your fault. It can NEVER be the victim's fault.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#1567 - 03/17/06 03:38 PM Re: New here...
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
welcome.

i think you will find that feeling that you arent worthy or are damaged directly ties into the abuse. if you get that help, and hang in there, you can find your self-worth and value as a person. who knows, when you are coming from a better place, you might even decide being alone isnt so great after all. i hope you keep coming and reading here. i think you'll see there are a lot of us out there, and that you can overcome it.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#1568 - 03/17/06 03:57 PM Re: New here...
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
JGag78,
Welcome to Male Survivor. Lots of good people here and help. Lots of great info here for moving forward to a new life that can be filled with love. If you have the time go back and read some of the old post. Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#1569 - 03/17/06 04:54 PM Re: New here...
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
JGag78,

Welcome here with us.

We are all alone amongst each other to find who we are, but if we trust ourselves to share who we are with those around us we will find that we are not alone at all.

Best wishes to your father and his dog, they are truly lucky to have you with there for them.

Good luck on your journey.

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#1570 - 03/17/06 06:56 PM Re: New here...
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
JGag78,

Welcome. As others have already said, you are not alone; and that is good news. Here, we stand together, we are survivors and it is our goal to become thrivors. It can be done!

Love ya

Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#1572 - 03/18/06 01:10 PM Re: New here...
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
JGag78,

Welcome to MS. I lived most of my adult life feeling like you described, when I got married I had to deal with another person and it took that feeling of peace away but after years of therapy and my wifes help I now enjoy people. I still think about being alone and how peaceful it was but I always remember the movie Parenthood, the grandmother told the story about the amusement park rides, some poeple like the marry-go-round but it just goes around, not very exciting. She said that she preferred the Rollercoster, it made her scared but it was also making her feel excited and thrilled. I agree with her and my life has been a rollercoster ride and sometimes it came of the track and I got injured but in all I would rather have lived and experienced than to have not. "It is better to have loved and lossed, than to have never loved at all." Replace the word love with lived and you can get a good idea about why I am happy to have put my cards on the table, however that does not mean that it is for everyone. Happy you are here, welcome to the brotherhood.

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#1573 - 03/19/06 02:34 PM Re: New here...
JGag78 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/17/06
Posts: 4
Loc: VA
I just don't know where to start or what to do. I've tried to get involved with others, to start a relationship, but I end up just cutting it off and withdrawing, probably leaving them to wonder what happened to me. I never get beyond the talking and getting to know you part. Even if I did, I don't know how I would handle intimacy since I've never experienced it. And that's another thing, I'm embarassed by the fact that I'm almost thirty years old without having experienced any of this. It really does make you feel like damaged merchandise that nobody would want to bother with.


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#1574 - 03/19/06 05:17 PM Re: New here...
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
JGag78,

Quote:
And that's another thing, I'm embarassed by the fact that I'm almost thirty years old without having experienced any of this.
You are just fine bro. Any animal can "do it", and sexual experience or "prowess" simply has nothing to do with your value as a person or as a man.

Last year I started a thread here called "virginity" (I think) that got some interesting replies. I'll see if I can dive down and find it in the archive and you can have a look. A lot of guys become sexually active past their 20s, and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#1575 - 03/19/06 08:56 PM Re: New here...
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
JGag78 - have you watched the film, The 40 Year Old Virgin? It takes a humorous look at this issue, but the 40 year old comes out on top in the end (pun not intended).

Best wishes ..Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#212512 - 03/23/08 03:34 PM Re: New here... [Re: JGag78]
JGag78 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/17/06
Posts: 4
Loc: VA
Almost two years ago, I posted this and things have gotten a little better since then.

Everything in my life is working well, except for the relationship and love aspect. I still haven't made much progress there, but I am trying. I have opened up to others more and now have friends I hang out with on a regular basis. I even contacted a few old friends online and keep in touch with them regularly as well. I've recently started a new career and I have a clear plan of what do with my artwork on the side. Also, I'm sticking with a diet/exercise regiment to try to get back into shape (lost ten pounds in the first week so far).

I've also come out of the closet regarding my foot fetish. I never mentioned it the first time I posted because I felt weird about it. I started being more open about it and I actually got a few compliments from friends. Even better, this one girl I am currently talking to doesn't mind, and in fact seems interested. I still don't discuss my abuse outside of this forum though. I haven't worked up the courage to do that yet.

Do any of you guys think I should bring up the subject of abuse to friends and openly discuss it with them? Some of my friends aren't shy about discussing hardships in their life, so I think it might be a good idea to talk about it. I just wanted to get some feedback if you thought this was a good idea or how I should go about doing it.


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#212522 - 03/23/08 04:06 PM Re: New here... [Re: JGag78]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
JGag78,
I am glad to hear your getting out more and making friends. That is a good sign. Isolation tends to make everything worse somehow. When a kid is abused sexually for any reason the chemicals released in the pleasure center can attach os to all kinds of fetishes. If it is harmless and enjoyable and doesn't cause you anxiety the I don't see any problem. Your girlfriend sounds pretty cool with it. As for being a virgin I congratualate you. Saving your self so that you can bond th your wife cleanly is a great gift to her and she will appreciate it.
As for disclosure, I wold say that is up to you. You choose who and when and why. It can bring friends closer that open up to each other the lives and the struggles thay endure and bring more understanding and respect. Don't do it just to be doing it but know why your telling and tell only what your confortable with. From you post I would say your doing ok guy and your healing journey is coming along fine. Glad your here. Thank you for usdates. And let us know how your doing from time to time.


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#212559 - 03/23/08 06:49 PM Re: New here... [Re: Freedom49]
JGag78 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/17/06
Posts: 4
Loc: VA
I'm not 100% sure but I think I was attracted to feet long before my abuse. In any case, I was embarassed by it, but am now more comfortable with it.

The girl I'm talking to is just a friend for the time being, and I'm not actually saving myself for marriage. I've just been isolated from any sort of intimacy all my life. On top of that I'm shy and overweight (working on both).

I don't want to disclose what happened to me just for the sake of doing it. The only reason I bring it up is because a certain friend of mine trusted me enough to disclose information about her abusive ex-husband. I feel I can trust her enough to tell what I've gone through as well. She has also hinted that her husband had gone through a "rough childhood" that may have included some abuse as well. If so, he's someone else I could talk to about this. To sum it up, they are open-minded, understanding people so I think their insight would be helpful.


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