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#156405 - 05/16/07 08:49 AM I'm new, need some help
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Hello, I'm new here and could use some help.

My name is Jesse, I am 20 years old and I'm a survivor of
physical and sexual abuse.

I've never spoken about it before, never had therapy, never been to a place like this, never even said (or typed) those words before. But I feel like I'm heading down a really bad path right now and need some help.

I don't know if this is the right place or not but I figured I had to start somewhere.

Thanks for any time anyone can give me.
Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

Top
#156411 - 05/16/07 09:10 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Hi, Jesse & welcome.

Take your time, read some of the collected wisdom stored here--lots of us have been through a lot of stuff.

If you feel comfortable posting more, we're here to help.

Sorry for the reasons you had to be here, but we're all in this together.

David


Top
#156414 - 05/16/07 09:13 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: MemoryVault]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Jess,
Yep, this is the right place. Welcome. Post your thoughts, feeling, fears, worries all of it here. Read lots of the old posts on here. Chances are you'll see yourself in a lot of them and realize you aren't alone.
welcome
Paul


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#156416 - 05/16/07 09:19 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: MemoryVault]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Thanks David and nice to meet you.

I have browsed some of the stuff here and honestly I'm finding it hard to believe this. For 20 years I've always felt like I was so alone in my pain. It hurts me to read a lot of this stuff, I hate that others have gone through it. In fact, I do wish I was the only one but at the same time I'm glad to find out that I'm not. Does that make me a bad person? I'd never wish this on my worst enemy but there's some comfort in knowing it's not just me.

My parents, who are both men and who one of which is my real father hated me. I was a bad kid, always in trouble, always looking and ready for a fight for any reason. Their idea of punishment and control was through beatings combined with sex and torture. I tried to be good I really did but always screwed up somehow.

I'll stop there, I'm not sure how much or how little I can say about it just yet. It's funny though how easily I can type this out here, I could never talk about it to anyone, always keep it a secret, but this is different... you don't know me. Also I'm typing but I don't really feel much about it. Almost like I'm talking about someone else and not me. I've just been numb to it for so long.

Thanks,
Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

Top
#156417 - 05/16/07 09:20 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Paul1959]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Thanks Paul

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

Top
#156421 - 05/16/07 09:43 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi, Jesse, and welcome to MS. You've found the right place here to talk about what you need to. And, no, it does not make you a bad person for being glad to find out that you are not alone in feeling like you do. I think that realization is the one that so many men here found to be the greater comfort. Breaking that feeling of isolation in all this is phenomenal.

Talk when you want to, as much as you want to. A lot of great guys here who will understand you and there is no judgment here.

_________________________
Eddie

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#156422 - 05/16/07 09:47 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: EGL]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Thanks Eddie,

Not so sure about the no judgement thing here.. I'll have to wait and see about that myself. People are judged all the time.

You're talking to someone who had a gay couple for parents so not only did I get it at home but I got it at school too just for the fact that I had two dads.

Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

Top
#156424 - 05/16/07 10:01 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Jess, take your time in this place,
welcome,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#156428 - 05/16/07 10:05 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: reality2k4]
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
jesse i like the korn doll
this place is a good place

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

Top
#156431 - 05/16/07 10:12 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: reality2k4]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
Welcome, Jess!

I wish you didn't need to be here on this site, but since you do, I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you found us. I am finding this a good place, with lots of caring people who understand what I've been through. That made so much difference to me. Quite honestly, nobody here will care about the fact that you have gay parents. What we will care about is that you were abused in the worst way by cruel and/or misguided people. We've all been there. Some of us have kept this secret for many, many years. It took me 36 years to talk about it! Getting rid of the secret is half the battle, imho.

The key here is just to find your own safety level here and to post only what and when you are ready to post. You will find that the support comes instantly and is sustained.

Best wishes on your journey to healing.

Your brother,
Joe

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#156432 - 05/16/07 10:17 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Trevor]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Thanks ste, thanks Trevor.

I have a question...
My real father was a mean drunk and his partner, well, he wasn't so bad. It was sort of like good cop bad cop at my house. Even though I knew in my heart it was wrong, dads partner was the one I would go too when things got too rough for me. He would start out being protective but somehow he'd always end up convincing me to do something with him... Ok, I know I was a kid and I knew it was wrong, so why did I continue to go back to him? If it was now, well I'd put a bullet in his brain. But then... I don't know...

Thanks,
Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

Top
#156436 - 05/16/07 10:20 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Chain Breaker]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11183
Loc: Denver, CO
Jesse,

Welcome to the board. As you can see, there's some cool folks on here who can relate to where you're coming from.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#156437 - 05/16/07 10:21 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Chain Breaker]
GWsurvives Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 251
Loc: Atlanta, and here, among othe...
Jess,
You ar ein the right place, as am I. The atrocitys of our childhoods scar us in way unimaginable ways. The good news is that healing is possible. It isn't always painless, but it does get better.

Take your time here, read the posts. There is a book, "Victims No Longer", by Mike Lew that (IMO) you should read. There are other books, but that one is a great place to start.

You are on the path..

GW

_________________________
"Some times there just aren't enough rocks" Forrest Gump

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#156438 - 05/16/07 10:24 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: FormerTexan]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
You went back to him because he sometimes comforted you. For kids, even abusive attention sometimes feels better than no attention. And if he was often kind to you, that was reason enough to go back. You just understood that there was a price to pay for his kindness. No child should ever have to pay that price. Parental love and kindness should be free to every child. You did what you did to survive in an abusive and dysfunctional home.

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

Top
#156439 - 05/16/07 10:28 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: GWsurvives]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Thanks FormerTexan and thanks GW,

Yes, so far so good.

It's not that I'm afraid to heal from it, it's just that I never addressed the fact that I need to heal from it before. You just sort of go on with your life like nothing ever happened, but inside it hurts. So... when does it get better? Can anyone give me a time frame? A specific date and time would be great so I that I can schedule my work and life around it... (being sarcastic).

I'm really scared shit to do this, I don't like talking about it and I don't like being in this place. But what I don't like even more is waking up at someones apartment with no idea how I got there, no idea who the people are and no memory of what I did there all night.

Thanks,
Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

Top
#156442 - 05/16/07 10:34 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Chain Breaker]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
That makes sense CB, but I just don't understand why I'd go back the second time. Comfort or not, even young I knew it was wrong.

I knew that he didn't hate me as much as my father did. If he did he pretended not too. When I did something wrong or when I was bad, which was all the time, I'd always fess up to him first so that he could break it to my father.

God it's so sickening, don't realize just how sick and twisted it all is until you see it in writing like this.

Thanks,
Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

Top
#156448 - 05/16/07 10:54 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
I know how hard it is, and I feel your pain as I read this. The truth is, you can't ever make sense of it, because the situation did not make sense. This was an absurd situation that you thought called for an absurd response. You did what you had to in order to survive. What would have happened if you hadn't gone back to your father's partner again, or if you had just refused to be involved in any sexual behavior with him? Do you think he still would have been on your side and played the role of good cop for you? I don't know him, but I think the answer is no. I'm sorry, but he was using you. You know that by now, I'm sure. But as a kid, you couldn't really have understood that concept or, if you could, you would not have known how to get out of the situation.

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

Top
#156449 - 05/16/07 10:55 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Jess,
One of the hardest things to do in this whole process is to stop judging yourself for what you did as a little kid to survive. so many of us blame ourselves for what happened. You did what you did to survive, to cope, to find affection, to find kindness, you paid the price with sex. You needed and deserved all of those things for free. If you step back from yourself for a little bit, and pretend it was some other little kid. Would you tell him it was his fault? Would you tell him he wanted it to happen? probably not.
When my abuser was mean to me, teased me or pretended to not like me anymore, I offered myself to him to make him like me again. I was only 6. Believe it or not, I still blame myself..I struggle with it all the time. I look at a 6 year old and think, nothing this kid does would be his fault. For some reason I struggle with allowing the same sense of compassion for myself.
What you are feeling is common and normal, but not accurate. You were NOT responsible for going back. It wasn't your fault.
Paul


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#156450 - 05/16/07 11:10 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Chain Breaker]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
It didn't seem like I did what I had to do, I just did what I was told. I did try to refuse many times, the result of that was getting beaten to within inches of my life. So I learned to just keep my stupid little mouth shut and do as I was told.

This is hard to swallow. Yes I know he was using me, I know he could be just as bad as my father if I refused him. Part of me needed him. I was so afraid of my father... I still am.

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

Top
#156451 - 05/16/07 11:13 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Paul1959]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Paul, it's crazy that a 6 year old would have to do that, it's even crazier that I can relate. This is fucking horrible.

Thank you for saying it wasn't my fault. I know what you mean when you say you struggle with blaming yourself. When I think about the whole situation I can sum it up pretty easily - I was bad, ugly and stupid, always in the way, always getting into trouble and always screwing up. I deserved to get everything I got. Would I look at a little kid and think that same way? Of course not...

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

Top
#156453 - 05/16/07 11:30 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Originally Posted By: Jesse20
Thank you for saying it wasn't my fault. I know what you mean when you say you struggle with blaming yourself. When I think about the whole situation I can sum it up pretty easily - I was bad, ugly and stupid, always in the way, always getting into trouble and always screwing up. I deserved to get everything I got. Would I look at a little kid and think that same way? Of course not...


Jesse - That is something that is so hard for many of us to get a handle on. Using the analogy of it being someone else and asking if we would think the same of them is a good way to see how it could in no way be our fault. I think we find it so easy to club ourselves over the head for what we went through with the abuse, but IT IS NEVER THE BOY'S FAULT! Not ever, no way, never. The problem is that we try to use our current maturity level to judge ourselves back then. A little kid just doesn't have that ability to comprehend what is really going on, and even if he could, he is physically in no position to refuse.

_________________________
Eddie

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#156458 - 05/16/07 11:53 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: EGL]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
I can't argue with that Eddie. Physically and mentally a little kid just doesn't think or react the same way an adult does.

Maybe it is just about brainwashing? Years and years of being told "it's your fault" and "this is what happens when you're bad". After a while you just begin to believe it? Which brings me to another thought... I didn't realize it then but now I can see that they really went out of there way to make sure I was under their control. There would be nights where they'd make me just stand in the corner of the room while they'd sit there and just batter me with insults about my body. I can't write much about this now because it's too painful to get into it but as a result I'd do anything and I mean anything for anyone who gave me a compliment. For that matter I'd do anything for them for a compliment or just to make them stop making fun of me. So was that something that was planned out to make me react in a certain way? I mean did they actually know this would effect me years later? Or were they just downright evil? And... if everything was my fault and I had no sense of what an appropriate punishment was for some of the things I did, how could I know any different? If I had a kid and he broke a glass would I beat him with a belt? no. If I had a kid and he forgot to take out the trash would I torture the fuck out of him for it and make him wish he was dead? Fuck no! But if that kid was me back then? well it seemed just and right.
It's so crazy...

Thanks,
Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

Top
#156461 - 05/16/07 12:14 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jess,

Welcome to the site, and I can assure you that you won't be judged here - I saw earlier in the thread that this is a concern for you.

One thing that happens to a boy who is being abused, Jess, is that he begins to wonder why is all this happening to me? It doesn't seem to be happening to other boys, and he doesn't like it but can't see how to make it stop. As the abuse continues, he feels more and lore lost and hopeless, and pretty soon he begins to belive all the bad feelings he has - especially the bad feelings about himself. That becomes his explanation - I am not worth any more than this, and this is what I deserve.

ALL of these bad feelings are false, bro. Gradually we learn that, but it doesn't come easy. You are not bad, or ugly or stupid; and probably you were no more of a troublemaker than any other boy.

I see from your posts here on this thread that you are nervous and a bit scared. That's normal. You are talking about really horrible stuff for the first time, and you have every right to wonder if you are safe in doing so.

If you need to, Jess, slow down a bit and let yourself get comfortable here. Find your own pace. There's lots to talk about here, and whatever is on your mind, just let it out.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#156468 - 05/16/07 12:33 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: roadrunner]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Hi Larry, thanks for this. That is exactly how it was... feeling like I just didn't deserve any better. I probably wasn't the only one going through it but it seemed that way at the time.

You can pick that up from here huh? Well you're right I am nervous and scared to death. One of my problems is that I want everything to happen overnight. Everything should just be systematic in a way.. just like it was. I think because my father and his partner went out of their way to establish a system for the way everything was done. Rules and steps that had to be followed to a T. Also they had to be overly masculine I think so that no one could accuse them of being "fags". Not my word but theirs. So men don't cry and men don't get scared and they don't complain and if they do there's consequenses to pay and even those consequenses follow rules and protocol and it's just an insane way to live for fuck sake.

You're right, I think I need to back off a bit because I'm feeling strange but I'm on a roll here for the first time so I don't want to stop.

Thanks,
Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

Top
#156470 - 05/16/07 12:36 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
And I am sorry if I sound like an idiot here or if I'm rambling or talking too much.

Thanks,
Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

Top
#156471 - 05/16/07 12:38 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jess,

I know what you mean. And for the record, men DO cry, and they DO get scared and complain, and they even have stuffed animals! Part of healing, as you will come to see, is learning that so many cool possibilities are open to us that we never thought would ever be ours. ALL of those old screwed up ways of thinking we develop from abuse can be discarded and replaced by new ways that allow us to be whole, thinking and feeling guys again.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#156474 - 05/16/07 12:51 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: roadrunner]
GWsurvives Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 251
Loc: Atlanta, and here, among othe...
Jess,
you don't sound like an idiot, you sound like a suvivor!! And, rambling is allowed here. Also, there is no word count machine, or timer. Talk all you want.. we will listen and try to help.

GW

_________________________
"Some times there just aren't enough rocks" Forrest Gump

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#156476 - 05/16/07 01:01 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: roadrunner]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Stuffed animals? What are those? lol sorry there's my sarcasm again. I wasn't allowed much of anything like that, I'm sure a lot of people here weren't. It just wasn't worth having any toys, they'd get taken away anyway so better off not to enjoy having them in the first place.

Thanks,
Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

Top
#156477 - 05/16/07 01:01 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: GWsurvives]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Thanks GW, I appreciate it.

Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

Top
#156518 - 05/16/07 03:59 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Jess,

Welcome. You have certainly come to the right place. I am relatively new here, (March) and early in my recovery. I think the best thing you'll find here is that there is no judgment, there is complete understanding by everyone, and there is a lot of unconditional love.

Recovery is a process, it takes a lot of strength. The men here are about the strongest people you can imagine. They have offered me so much. I wouldn't be where I am today without them.

Take your time. There is no pressure here, there is only compassion and friendship.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#156560 - 05/16/07 11:43 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: dannym]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Jess,

I see you've received a lot of input already so I'll just say Welcome! and tell you one more time that you are soooo not alone. You've found a place where compassion, understanding, and healing are possible.

I think at some point, when you feel you have the courage, it would be good to seek some local help in the form of a therapist who specializes in males that have been sexually abused as children. Yeah, I know. That's a hell of a step. I put it off for a long time before finally giving in. I've never regretted it. It's been a hard road but a good one because I've been able to gain an understanding of how the abuse affected every area of my life from my ability to make friends to my perception of my looks, and on and on. The "T" has helped me negotiate the pitfalls of recovery.

Healing is possible, My Friend.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#156607 - 05/17/07 08:26 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: WalkingSouth]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Thanks John and nice to meet you.

I've been thinking about finding a therapist but like you say it's a hell of a step. I have every intention of making the call and getting an appointment... just can't make myself do it yet.

When you say perception of looks, can you explain that further?

Thanks,
Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

Top
#156618 - 05/17/07 09:13 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jess,

You might want to start a new thread and talk on your feelings about seeing a T. I can tell you that many of us - perhaps the majority - have been in or are now in therapy, and I would bet that ALL of us have been through the same anxieties you are feeling now.

But as John says, working with a T is a step you won't regret. The issues of sexual abuse can get very complicated and your T will help you make your way along without a lot of new pain and trauma.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#156626 - 05/17/07 09:35 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: roadrunner]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Yes but how do I live my life without pain and trauma being a part of it? Like the song says I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.

Thanks,
Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

Top
#156630 - 05/17/07 09:54 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jess,

Originally Posted By: Jesse20
How do I live my life without pain and trauma being a part of it? Like the song says I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.


Therapy and sharing our problems with other safe people help us to regain our ability to feel and become whole emotional guys again, but without collapsing into self-loathing and negative feelings about ourselves when challenges relating to our abuse issues arise. We will still be vulnerable to pain and suffering where other matters of concerned, simply because some things in really hurt. What we seek isn't a live without pain, then, but a live where the pain from the past is no longer able to disrupt our lives in the present and hijack our future.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#156644 - 05/17/07 11:20 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Chain Breaker]
Nick_GA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 15
Loc: Atlanta, GA
Hey Jess,
My name is Nick. I am 27 and began dealing with my physical and sexual abuse soon after moving out of my parent's home when I was 19. Recently I have confronted my parent's or the physical abuse and some of my sexual perps.It really hurts when people do not believe you. Or they believe you and get scared and recant. I grew up in a very strict home where religion became fanatical. I think the fact you are starting to confront this at a young age is wonderful. Recovery can be a lon g road. I have found that writing about my past has been most helpful. I think it makes it so much worse when a parent or caretaker is the perp.
you have my support,
Nick

I have a story posted under male survivors it is on about the 4 th page. It is called The Body of Christ, Broken posted by Nick_GA.


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#156662 - 05/17/07 12:19 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Nick_GA]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Thank you Nick.

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

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#156758 - 05/17/07 08:59 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Quote:
When you say perception of looks, can you explain that further?


Simply put, Jess, I thought I was butt ugly! I've recently come to the knowledge that although I was no Adonis, I wasn't butt ugly either! I've gone back through some of my childhood and teen pictures, and in truth, I was kinda cute!

My perception was that I was ugly, I hated myself, had no sense of self worth, couldn't do anything right, on an on. My therapist and I talked about this and he pointed out that the abuses I experienced left me with a sense of shame that colored every attitude I could take toward myself. He explained to me that this is the case with most if not all abuse cases. Not only does the abuse rob us of our innocence, but it robs us of our self love as well.

There is hope, and it can only be found on the road to recovery. We're right there with you, Jess, shoulder to shoulder. Some of us are a bit further along on the path, but we're standing with you none the less.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#156812 - 05/18/07 10:00 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: WalkingSouth]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Thank you for explaining.

I can't say that I feel like I'm ugly but I always feel like I'm not good enough. That sort of the same thing I guess.

Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

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#156890 - 05/18/07 10:57 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jess,

That feeling of "I'm not good enough" comes from the abuse as well. A boy who can't even protect his own body from harm will come to some pretty bad (and false) conclusions about his worth as a person and his place in the world.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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