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#156453 - 05/16/07 11:30 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Originally Posted By: Jesse20
Thank you for saying it wasn't my fault. I know what you mean when you say you struggle with blaming yourself. When I think about the whole situation I can sum it up pretty easily - I was bad, ugly and stupid, always in the way, always getting into trouble and always screwing up. I deserved to get everything I got. Would I look at a little kid and think that same way? Of course not...


Jesse - That is something that is so hard for many of us to get a handle on. Using the analogy of it being someone else and asking if we would think the same of them is a good way to see how it could in no way be our fault. I think we find it so easy to club ourselves over the head for what we went through with the abuse, but IT IS NEVER THE BOY'S FAULT! Not ever, no way, never. The problem is that we try to use our current maturity level to judge ourselves back then. A little kid just doesn't have that ability to comprehend what is really going on, and even if he could, he is physically in no position to refuse.

_________________________
Eddie

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#156458 - 05/16/07 11:53 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: EGL]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
I can't argue with that Eddie. Physically and mentally a little kid just doesn't think or react the same way an adult does.

Maybe it is just about brainwashing? Years and years of being told "it's your fault" and "this is what happens when you're bad". After a while you just begin to believe it? Which brings me to another thought... I didn't realize it then but now I can see that they really went out of there way to make sure I was under their control. There would be nights where they'd make me just stand in the corner of the room while they'd sit there and just batter me with insults about my body. I can't write much about this now because it's too painful to get into it but as a result I'd do anything and I mean anything for anyone who gave me a compliment. For that matter I'd do anything for them for a compliment or just to make them stop making fun of me. So was that something that was planned out to make me react in a certain way? I mean did they actually know this would effect me years later? Or were they just downright evil? And... if everything was my fault and I had no sense of what an appropriate punishment was for some of the things I did, how could I know any different? If I had a kid and he broke a glass would I beat him with a belt? no. If I had a kid and he forgot to take out the trash would I torture the fuck out of him for it and make him wish he was dead? Fuck no! But if that kid was me back then? well it seemed just and right.
It's so crazy...

Thanks,
Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

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#156461 - 05/16/07 12:14 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jess,

Welcome to the site, and I can assure you that you won't be judged here - I saw earlier in the thread that this is a concern for you.

One thing that happens to a boy who is being abused, Jess, is that he begins to wonder why is all this happening to me? It doesn't seem to be happening to other boys, and he doesn't like it but can't see how to make it stop. As the abuse continues, he feels more and lore lost and hopeless, and pretty soon he begins to belive all the bad feelings he has - especially the bad feelings about himself. That becomes his explanation - I am not worth any more than this, and this is what I deserve.

ALL of these bad feelings are false, bro. Gradually we learn that, but it doesn't come easy. You are not bad, or ugly or stupid; and probably you were no more of a troublemaker than any other boy.

I see from your posts here on this thread that you are nervous and a bit scared. That's normal. You are talking about really horrible stuff for the first time, and you have every right to wonder if you are safe in doing so.

If you need to, Jess, slow down a bit and let yourself get comfortable here. Find your own pace. There's lots to talk about here, and whatever is on your mind, just let it out.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#156468 - 05/16/07 12:33 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: roadrunner]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Hi Larry, thanks for this. That is exactly how it was... feeling like I just didn't deserve any better. I probably wasn't the only one going through it but it seemed that way at the time.

You can pick that up from here huh? Well you're right I am nervous and scared to death. One of my problems is that I want everything to happen overnight. Everything should just be systematic in a way.. just like it was. I think because my father and his partner went out of their way to establish a system for the way everything was done. Rules and steps that had to be followed to a T. Also they had to be overly masculine I think so that no one could accuse them of being "fags". Not my word but theirs. So men don't cry and men don't get scared and they don't complain and if they do there's consequenses to pay and even those consequenses follow rules and protocol and it's just an insane way to live for fuck sake.

You're right, I think I need to back off a bit because I'm feeling strange but I'm on a roll here for the first time so I don't want to stop.

Thanks,
Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

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#156470 - 05/16/07 12:36 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
And I am sorry if I sound like an idiot here or if I'm rambling or talking too much.

Thanks,
Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

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#156471 - 05/16/07 12:38 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jess,

I know what you mean. And for the record, men DO cry, and they DO get scared and complain, and they even have stuffed animals! Part of healing, as you will come to see, is learning that so many cool possibilities are open to us that we never thought would ever be ours. ALL of those old screwed up ways of thinking we develop from abuse can be discarded and replaced by new ways that allow us to be whole, thinking and feeling guys again.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#156474 - 05/16/07 12:51 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: roadrunner]
GWsurvives Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 251
Loc: Atlanta, and here, among othe...
Jess,
you don't sound like an idiot, you sound like a suvivor!! And, rambling is allowed here. Also, there is no word count machine, or timer. Talk all you want.. we will listen and try to help.

GW

_________________________
"Some times there just aren't enough rocks" Forrest Gump

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#156476 - 05/16/07 01:01 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: roadrunner]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Stuffed animals? What are those? lol sorry there's my sarcasm again. I wasn't allowed much of anything like that, I'm sure a lot of people here weren't. It just wasn't worth having any toys, they'd get taken away anyway so better off not to enjoy having them in the first place.

Thanks,
Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

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#156477 - 05/16/07 01:01 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: GWsurvives]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Thanks GW, I appreciate it.

Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

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#156518 - 05/16/07 03:59 PM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Jess,

Welcome. You have certainly come to the right place. I am relatively new here, (March) and early in my recovery. I think the best thing you'll find here is that there is no judgment, there is complete understanding by everyone, and there is a lot of unconditional love.

Recovery is a process, it takes a lot of strength. The men here are about the strongest people you can imagine. They have offered me so much. I wouldn't be where I am today without them.

Take your time. There is no pressure here, there is only compassion and friendship.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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