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#156432 - 05/16/07 10:17 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Trevor]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Thanks ste, thanks Trevor.

I have a question...
My real father was a mean drunk and his partner, well, he wasn't so bad. It was sort of like good cop bad cop at my house. Even though I knew in my heart it was wrong, dads partner was the one I would go too when things got too rough for me. He would start out being protective but somehow he'd always end up convincing me to do something with him... Ok, I know I was a kid and I knew it was wrong, so why did I continue to go back to him? If it was now, well I'd put a bullet in his brain. But then... I don't know...

Thanks,
Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

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#156436 - 05/16/07 10:20 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Chain Breaker]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 10948
Loc: Denver, CO
Jesse,

Welcome to the board. As you can see, there's some cool folks on here who can relate to where you're coming from.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#156437 - 05/16/07 10:21 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Chain Breaker]
GWsurvives Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 251
Loc: Atlanta, and here, among othe...
Jess,
You ar ein the right place, as am I. The atrocitys of our childhoods scar us in way unimaginable ways. The good news is that healing is possible. It isn't always painless, but it does get better.

Take your time here, read the posts. There is a book, "Victims No Longer", by Mike Lew that (IMO) you should read. There are other books, but that one is a great place to start.

You are on the path..

GW

_________________________
"Some times there just aren't enough rocks" Forrest Gump

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#156438 - 05/16/07 10:24 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: FormerTexan]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
You went back to him because he sometimes comforted you. For kids, even abusive attention sometimes feels better than no attention. And if he was often kind to you, that was reason enough to go back. You just understood that there was a price to pay for his kindness. No child should ever have to pay that price. Parental love and kindness should be free to every child. You did what you did to survive in an abusive and dysfunctional home.

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#156439 - 05/16/07 10:28 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: GWsurvives]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Thanks FormerTexan and thanks GW,

Yes, so far so good.

It's not that I'm afraid to heal from it, it's just that I never addressed the fact that I need to heal from it before. You just sort of go on with your life like nothing ever happened, but inside it hurts. So... when does it get better? Can anyone give me a time frame? A specific date and time would be great so I that I can schedule my work and life around it... (being sarcastic).

I'm really scared shit to do this, I don't like talking about it and I don't like being in this place. But what I don't like even more is waking up at someones apartment with no idea how I got there, no idea who the people are and no memory of what I did there all night.

Thanks,
Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

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#156442 - 05/16/07 10:34 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Chain Breaker]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
That makes sense CB, but I just don't understand why I'd go back the second time. Comfort or not, even young I knew it was wrong.

I knew that he didn't hate me as much as my father did. If he did he pretended not too. When I did something wrong or when I was bad, which was all the time, I'd always fess up to him first so that he could break it to my father.

God it's so sickening, don't realize just how sick and twisted it all is until you see it in writing like this.

Thanks,
Jess

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

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#156448 - 05/16/07 10:54 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
I know how hard it is, and I feel your pain as I read this. The truth is, you can't ever make sense of it, because the situation did not make sense. This was an absurd situation that you thought called for an absurd response. You did what you had to in order to survive. What would have happened if you hadn't gone back to your father's partner again, or if you had just refused to be involved in any sexual behavior with him? Do you think he still would have been on your side and played the role of good cop for you? I don't know him, but I think the answer is no. I'm sorry, but he was using you. You know that by now, I'm sure. But as a kid, you couldn't really have understood that concept or, if you could, you would not have known how to get out of the situation.

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#156449 - 05/16/07 10:55 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Jesse20]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Jess,
One of the hardest things to do in this whole process is to stop judging yourself for what you did as a little kid to survive. so many of us blame ourselves for what happened. You did what you did to survive, to cope, to find affection, to find kindness, you paid the price with sex. You needed and deserved all of those things for free. If you step back from yourself for a little bit, and pretend it was some other little kid. Would you tell him it was his fault? Would you tell him he wanted it to happen? probably not.
When my abuser was mean to me, teased me or pretended to not like me anymore, I offered myself to him to make him like me again. I was only 6. Believe it or not, I still blame myself..I struggle with it all the time. I look at a 6 year old and think, nothing this kid does would be his fault. For some reason I struggle with allowing the same sense of compassion for myself.
What you are feeling is common and normal, but not accurate. You were NOT responsible for going back. It wasn't your fault.
Paul


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#156450 - 05/16/07 11:10 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Chain Breaker]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
It didn't seem like I did what I had to do, I just did what I was told. I did try to refuse many times, the result of that was getting beaten to within inches of my life. So I learned to just keep my stupid little mouth shut and do as I was told.

This is hard to swallow. Yes I know he was using me, I know he could be just as bad as my father if I refused him. Part of me needed him. I was so afraid of my father... I still am.

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

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#156451 - 05/16/07 11:13 AM Re: I'm new, need some help [Re: Paul1959]
Jesse20 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 52
Paul, it's crazy that a 6 year old would have to do that, it's even crazier that I can relate. This is fucking horrible.

Thank you for saying it wasn't my fault. I know what you mean when you say you struggle with blaming yourself. When I think about the whole situation I can sum it up pretty easily - I was bad, ugly and stupid, always in the way, always getting into trouble and always screwing up. I deserved to get everything I got. Would I look at a little kid and think that same way? Of course not...

_________________________
What's so funny about peace love and understanding?

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