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#156229 - 05/15/07 07:54 AM "You should take your walls down"
Soccer Kid Offline
Member

Registered: 10/22/04
Posts: 273
Loc: Missouri
"You should take your walls down"
she says to me as I cry in my hands.

"I wish you could see inside me,
"the demons that crawl in my body
"the cuts they leave on my soul.

"I wish you could see inside me,
"the blood running from the cuts
"the cuts that nearly kill me every day.

"I wish you could see inside me,
"the scabs that are left from the old wounds
"the scars underneath those scabs.

"I wish you could feel what I feel,
"the pain and the agony from the demons
"the demons that I let in.

"I wish you could feel what I feel,
"the pain from the cuts
"the pain from the scars.

"I wish you could feel what I feel,
"the burning in my throat and stomach
"the burning that comes from the demons inside me.

"But you can't...and so I won't."

_________________________
~Zach~
Deviant of Many Talents

"Reality is just an illusion."

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#156515 - 05/16/07 02:51 PM Re: "You should take your walls down" [Re: Soccer Kid]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
Hi SK,

I keep thinking about this and realizing that I have been where you are. That feeling of isolation in our pain is what keeps us penned in for years or even decades. We know that our suffering is unique -- that our pain is incomprehensible to anyone else. I know all about the walls. They held me captive for 36 years. But I found that when I learned that there were trustworthy people here, and that I could trust my T, I began to let my walls down. It has been hard, and I don't lower the walls for just anyone . . . only for people I trust.

I hope that you can find someone who can understand the cuts, scabs, scars, and demons.

If you let the demons in as a child or a teenager, you need not feel any guilt now for having done so. You were innocent, and you were trying to fulfill your needs. You are still innocent.

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#156550 - 05/16/07 10:56 PM Re: "You should take your walls down" [Re: Chain Breaker]
Soccer Kid Offline
Member

Registered: 10/22/04
Posts: 273
Loc: Missouri
Thank you.

_________________________
~Zach~
Deviant of Many Talents

"Reality is just an illusion."

Top
#156566 - 05/17/07 12:16 AM Re: "You should take your walls down" [Re: Soccer Kid]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
I am sure it must be incredibly hard to take your walls down to attempt to let anyone in to hear of or try to understand your pain, but isn't it also a great relief to do so when the person is accepting and believing of you? I would think it would feel really good to let some of it out, to tell someone.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#156591 - 05/17/07 03:21 AM Re: "You should take your walls down" [Re: Brokenhearted]
Soccer Kid Offline
Member

Registered: 10/22/04
Posts: 273
Loc: Missouri
I wouldn't know. I never talk because it seems like every time I do I get yelled at, not believed, or I end up pissing someone off.

I'll just keep to myself.

_________________________
~Zach~
Deviant of Many Talents

"Reality is just an illusion."

Top
#156634 - 05/17/07 10:34 AM Re: "You should take your walls down" [Re: Soccer Kid]
Nick_GA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 15
Loc: Atlanta, GA
Hey SK
I believe that only another survivor can understand how difficult it is to open up. Recently, I have confronted my sexual perps. Most of my family and friends have been supportive but I can tell I wear them down after a while after hearing about how severe I have been tortured. And what hurts the most are the people who I grew up around that don't believe me. Those who are saying that I made it all up.
take care,
Nick


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#156697 - 05/17/07 02:00 PM Re: "You should take your walls down" [Re: Nick_GA]
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
I can see inside you. I can feel what you feel, because we are the same. It is the loneliness more than anything else that causes the anguish. Pain will not leave unless it has somewhere to go. There are people who are willing to take yours from you. Your pain will not poison them, and they will be able to let it go. It is a long process, but it starts with finding one person to trust. That person may be here or may be somewhere else, but that person does exist. You can't see from where you are. The walls that you had to build for protection, keeping the awful things out, are now the very walls that keep you from healing, and letting the loving things in. To let someone help you heal is one of the most unselfish things you can do, because it is in losing ourselves in the pain of someone else that we suddenly find that our own pain is losing its hold on us. No matter how long it takes, don't give up. Someday you will be able to let somebody in, and it will be a whole new beginning. It took me several years, but it was worth every ounce of struggle it took to tear down those walls.....me from the inside out, and those who would not give up on me from the outside in. You are loved by many just because you are and because we can see inside you, and we can feel what you feel. Don't give up.

Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#156729 - 05/17/07 04:36 PM Re: "You should take your walls down" [Re: Bobby]
Soccer Kid Offline
Member

Registered: 10/22/04
Posts: 273
Loc: Missouri
My family believes me. What really hurts is that a friend of mine who was abused with me doesn't. Makes me question the whole thing.

Trust? You know I thought I knew what that meant. Understanding...it's all just an illusion, a show put on for the cameras.

_________________________
~Zach~
Deviant of Many Talents

"Reality is just an illusion."

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#156737 - 05/17/07 04:53 PM Re: "You should take your walls down" [Re: Soccer Kid]
froggy12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 527
Loc: Marlboro, MA 01752
Some people are petrified to admit it happened. Denial is a drug that clouds or distorts reality. What is important is not what he thinks or says, but for you to get all the crap out of you. Fear also is a great drug for us because we had all our trust ripped out of us now are not sure about much of anything or anybody. But trust has to be re-established, slowly, and go from there. Healing is a reality not a myth.

froggy

_________________________
??

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#156740 - 05/17/07 05:11 PM Re: "You should take your walls down" [Re: froggy12]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Childhood castration ia a bit vulgar, but it fits the element of
abuse to any child who suffers abuse, Yes.

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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